How to talk about desire for marriage

[Anonymous]

My first marriage was terrible almost the entire time. Although I had a bad marriage, ultimately I truly believe in the institution of marriage.

There are a lot of people at this stage who are just over marriage. They are looking to date but never remarry.

I’ve been seeing my BF for several months. In the beginning I shared that ideally I’d like to remarry. he shared that he is gun shy but that remarrying isn’t out of the question.

We now have very strong feelings for one another and he seems very happy. Worry he is happy to keep things just as they are indefinitely. I absolutely want to live together and remarry however. How do I bring this up in a way that doesn’t sound needy or pushy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first marriage was terrible almost the entire time. Although I had a bad marriage, ultimately I truly believe in the institution of marriage.

There are a lot of people at this stage who are just over marriage. They are looking to date but never remarry.

I’ve been seeing my BF for several months. In the beginning I shared that ideally I’d like to remarry. he shared that he is gun shy but that remarrying isn’t out of the question.

We now have very strong feelings for one another and he seems very happy. Worry he is happy to keep things just as they are indefinitely. I absolutely want to live together and remarry however. How do I bring this up in a way that doesn’t sound needy or pushy?

You don't. It's only been "several months" and you say you already mentioned it. Your first marriage was, as you put it, "terrible" -- I think you need to chill for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Serious question - are you looking to have kids?

That would be the only reason to bring it up at any point in the near future. If not, just let it go for a while. Give it at least a year to see how it feels. You already had one not good marriage because you focused on a ring. If this guy is right for you and for the long run, he’ll still be the right guy a year from now or two years from now.

[Anonymous]

^agree

Take it slow

[Anonymous]

It’s only been how long? You said at the beginning that’s what you were looking for, you can say so again, but it’s way too early to do much else than: I like how things are going, it’s feeling serious to me.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just enjoy a nice thing? Why are you trying to eff it all up?

[Anonymous]

Give it at least one year, maybe two if you are not planning to have kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here. To be clear I do not want to quickly marry. I want to take my time and get to know my partner. But I don’t want to waste years dating someone who doesn’t want to be married. I could be using that time to find someone who is looking for marriage.

[Anonymous]

People will just lie so I'd be careful about asking him. I think you just need to talk casually and state what you want. Why is it necessary to marry? What is your goal? State that more than the act of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To be clear I do not want to quickly marry. I want to take my time and get to know my partner. But I don’t want to waste years dating someone who doesn’t want to be married. I could be using that time to find someone who is looking for marriage.

Well, he already said, according to you, that he is "gun shy" but not putting it totally out of the question at some point in the future. What on earth do you think you are going to accomplish by asking him again? Do you think his feelings about it are magically going to change? After only "several months"? He has the right to feel the way he feels about it. If you are so desperate to remarry that you can't live with his ambiguity, then move on. But God Speed, lol -- my unmarried divorced friends tell me it is rough out there. He'll move on from you soon enough anyway if he discovers that an archaic institution and whatever you think is going to come with it this time around even though you made a disaster of it the first time is more important to you than actual connection and finding love with the right person.