Teenage daughter's BF steals

[Anonymous]

My 16-year-old daughter is dating a boy who told her straight out, he steals things. She told my DH while I was not home and all he said was "that's not good". Now he's on a work trip for a week and a half. She just started spending time with him and they have been seeing a lot of each other.

My gut tells me I need to tell her she's making poor decisions and that she needs to end it. Also she'll ruin her reputation by hanging out with someone who steals, and she could get arrested if she's ever with him when he does it.

I'm nervous she'll completely rebel if I force her to stop seeing him. UGH. HELP

[Anonymous]

You can't force her to stop seeing him. It won't work, it'll backfire, and she'll stop telling you or your DH things that bother her.

You can - and should - talk to her about her values, what she thinks makes a good person, whether she wants to surround herself with people who make choices like that. You can say all the things you are worried about - her getting in trouble by association, etc. Walk her through the consequences. It's her decision, but you still have a role in helping her figure it out.

[Anonymous]

What a bum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't force her to stop seeing him. It won't work, it'll backfire, and she'll stop telling you or your DH things that bother her.

You can - and should - talk to her about her values, what she thinks makes a good person, whether she wants to surround herself with people who make choices like that. You can say all the things you are worried about - her getting in trouble by association, etc. Walk her through the consequences. It's her decision, but you still have a role in helping her figure it out.

Thanks - this has been my battle. I know I tend to react emotionally. And this is a delicate situation so I need to handle it right. She's a smart girl so I'm just shocked at her choices and very disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Our neighbor kid got ... not really arrested, but taken to the security office and had to call her parents to pick her up ... when her friend swiped makeup at a department store. Hearing from the neighbor kid how scary and unfair it was convinced my daughter to stop hanging out with girls who shoplift. She actually walked away from them and came home.

Not sure that would work when a boy is involved, and also, my daughter is kind of a scaredy cat.

Also, upvoting what PP said about values.

[Anonymous]

What does he steal, gum from the store? TVs? Is he her age?

Shoplifting is pretty common in teens. Tell her he can be in real trouble for this and she’ll only continue to see him if he stops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 16-year-old daughter is dating a boy who told her straight out, he steals things. She told my DH while I was not home and all he said was "that's not good". Now he's on a work trip for a week and a half. She just started spending time with him and they have been seeing a lot of each other.

My gut tells me I need to tell her she's making poor decisions and that she needs to end it. Also she'll ruin her reputation by hanging out with someone who steals, and she could get arrested if she's ever with him when he does it.

I'm nervous she'll completely rebel if I force her to stop seeing him. UGH. HELP

I am glad you said "also," because that is indeed secondary.
Sorry you are going through this.
Can you ask what she thinks about the guy and let the conversation go from there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he steal, gum from the store? TVs? Is he her age?

Shoplifting is pretty common in teens. Tell her he can be in real trouble for this and she’ll only continue to see him if he stops.

Not sure entirely - but I know she broke a few nails (tips) and he stole nail glue for her, LOL.

They are both 16. He has an older brother, 21, who lives at home. And I don't know the parents at all. I'm just a worried/concerned mom.

[Anonymous]

Aside- he told her straight out he steals, so I don't know what he's stealing

[Anonymous]

"Since your boyfriend steals, I'm sure you understand why I can't allow him in this house. And again, since he steals, I'm sure you can understand that I can't allow you to go to any stores or restaurants with him so you won't get arrested as an accomplice when he gets caught, which eventually he will."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he steal, gum from the store? TVs? Is he her age?

Shoplifting is pretty common in teens. Tell her he can be in real trouble for this and she’ll only continue to see him if he stops.

Not sure entirely - but I know she broke a few nails (tips) and he stole nail glue for her, LOL.

They are both 16. He has an older brother, 21, who lives at home. And I don't know the parents at all. I'm just a worried/concerned mom.

Call them and introduce yourself. I’ve had plenty of mothers call me when their teen started hanging out with my teens. Don’t mention stealing just get an idea of what they might be like.

And don’t worry about reputation, she isn’t doing anything wrong. Not many teens would admit their new nail glue was stolen even though quite a few teens have some makeup or whatever that was not paid for.

[Anonymous]

Untrustworthy people are untrustworthy. And people who steal are untrustworthy. She should steer clear, but you can't tell her that. I mean, you can and should, but she won't hear it. She'll probably need to figure it out on her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Untrustworthy people are untrustworthy. And people who steal are untrustworthy. She should steer clear, but you can't tell her that. I mean, you can and should, but she won't hear it. She'll probably need to figure it out on her own.

You trust people in your life who shoplifted as teens. You just don’t know it. Almost all teens stop after high school anyway.

It doesn’t mean it’s ok but keep it in perspective. OP should not allow her daughter to keep stolen items. And monitor any new items she has. Her daughter will be fine.

[Anonymous]

I shoplifted at that age and so did almost all of my friends. And one by one they got caught and we all stopped. I was an honor roll student and up to literally nothing else rebellious of note.

Unfortunately it’s even more prolific now with teens it seems like the rules are so liability based that few kids get caught anymore. One of my daughter’s friends did get arrested and hauled to juvie for four hours and I don’t think she’s a terrible kid.

The reality is, is that all of this teen stupidity has always happened and with regular kids. The difference is, that parents never used to know about any of it. The fact that she told her parent is kinda wild - gives you a chance to have some serious conversations with her about it. If you ban this boy, it’ll be the last time she tells you much. And she will still find ways to see him but just away from under your eyes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does he steal, gum from the store? TVs? Is he her age?

Shoplifting is pretty common in teens. Tell her he can be in real trouble for this and she’ll only continue to see him if he stops.

This is only relevant in determining the scale of the theft/damage.
It is not, however, irrelevant in determining his values in OP’s discussion with her DD about whether their values align.

I don’t know how many teens PP knows, but I can assure you, OP, that the kind of teens I know (and that our DD makes it a point to associate with) do NOT shoplift as a common behavior. Do not excuse this.
It’s ethically wrong.