Recently widowed, grieving spouse support advice

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this is the right forum, so apologies in advance.

My wife passed away very recently and unexpectedly this year, and it’s me (husband) and two kids now - one in middle and one in high school.

I was looking to see if folks had advice on dealing with grief, dealing with the logistics of being a single parent, the emotional ups and downs, balancing work when it feels minuscule in the grand scheme of things but necessary, and filling in as a mom to the kids.

I am planning on getting all of us in therapy, but any advice in general as a grieving spouse and esp. on filling in for my kids mom would be appreciated. My wife used to active here and trusted dcumd a lot. Apologies if it’s little too broad of a question.

Thanks in advance!

[Anonymous]

I still come to dcum for advice and banter and I moved a few years ago big hugs to you and your family, just hang in there you’re doing all the things, that’s enough. I am sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss, OP.

Obviously therapy is important for all of you, but otherwise just get through one day at a time.

Re:logistics, I’m sure your kids’ friends parents would be happy to help.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for your loss, OP. I agree that your kid's friends parents will want to help. Many times, people who are not close to you don't really know what to do, so you may just need to tell/ask them.

I've heard great things about the Wendt Center if you are seeking grief counseling.

[Anonymous]

Your wife I bet would be proud of you for reaching out and also focusing on your kids and how to help you and them navigate your new life. I am so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

You might try an in-person widower/widow support group. Worked out well for a widower I knew. I am not in DMV.

[Anonymous]

You’re doing great, Dad.

My spouse has struggled with serious, life-threatening health issues for years. We also have two kids. I don’t know what it’s like to be a widow, but I have some experience navigating my own grief over our family’s loss of “normal.”

I found it helpful to get outside and to get moving. When I could run, I ran. When I didn’t feel up to running, I walked. Some days, I walked for miles. Other days, I walked for a few minutes, and that was fine, too.

I read a book called Wintering that I also found helpful. It’s about rest and retreat as you deal with grief — it gave me permission to pull into my shell for a time. I did have family come in and stay with my kids while I went in a retreat, and I’m so glad I did.

I have a wonderful therapist, and I also found my family practitioner a surprisingly helpful resource. I had a panic attack in the middle of this stretch, and got onto medication as I navigated this journey.

You’ve gotten great advice on this thread so far. I am sorry for your loss, and I wish you peace and healing.

[Anonymous]

May I suggest that you have an explicit weekly family meeting at a regular time each week to check-in on everyone's feelings, plan the upcoming weekly logistics, and ask each other for support? You may need to find a way to spin this so it works for your family (decide what reasons your kids will find palatable). But it could help you stay organized.

Also, it's possible that you may want to shift some of your spending to online and delivery services to save time. Perhaps (and this is an if), your older child might take an interest in Amazon shopping, grocery shopping online, or clothes shopping for self and younger. The goal would be to find some tasks that build autonomy and adult skills without asking the older to be a substitute parent. In the face of your loss, it might really help to find ways to pitch in together and stay connected.

Also, can you find a few things for all 3 of you to enjoy a change of scene (weekend trip to the ocean on a warm weekend, evening out of the house to go to a funny movie)? (Mom role is typically distract and cheer up kids to give them a bit of a mental break.) And make sure your kids are getting enough sleep. Some parents have kids put devices at the charging station each night at a fairly early time. Sleep is important for mental health and recovery.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely join a support group.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for your loss, OP. I have no advice but wanted to send my warmest thoughts to you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so so sorry. There is a blog called "DC Widow" that you might find helpful. It was written by a woman who lost her husband, but I think a lot of her experiences will resonate with you. She stopped writing the blog last year after she remarried, but the website is still up and you can start reading her posts from the first one on.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for your and your kids' loss. I lost my husband a year ago and have two little kids. I'm still figuring it out. My older one is in therapy. I do some therapy too. I did a grief group through hospice and it was very hard but so good. When people ask if there is something they can help you with-give them ideas of what they can do. Although, I find that often neither side knows what that could be. My kids and I have a memory box where we put letters, pictures, or anything else that reminds us of dh. We celebrate his Birthday. Holidays are hard. I find it helpful to leave home during holidays. Doing things and being busy help. As for single parenting-I haven't figured it out yet. My kids are still pretty young. It is hard. I need to make sure I have time for myself-otherwise it is not pretty. And grief comes in waves for me. Sometimes you can anticipate it, but othertimes it just crashes you down when you dont expect it. For me the hardest is to see my kids grieve. There are some organizations that help: "Caring Matters", Camp Erin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this is the right forum, so apologies in advance.

My wife passed away very recently and unexpectedly this year, and it’s me (husband) and two kids now - one in middle and one in high school.

I was looking to see if folks had advice on dealing with grief, dealing with the logistics of being a single parent, the emotional ups and downs, balancing work when it feels minuscule in the grand scheme of things but necessary, and filling in as a mom to the kids.

I am planning on getting all of us in therapy, but any advice in general as a grieving spouse and esp. on filling in for my kids mom would be appreciated. My wife used to active here and trusted dcumd a lot. Apologies if it’s little too broad of a question.

Thanks in advance!

FYI, Hospice offers both grief classes and support groups

[Anonymous]

Apologies for the late reply, and before I say anything else... Thank you for the kind words and advice. Also thank you for sharing your experiences as well, I do appreciate it.

Ill take a look at "Wintering" book, thank you

My general doctors have been amazing and have checked up on me a few times personally. I feel i'm fortunate in that respect. We are starting therapy, but therapists are in demand, so it's taking a little bit to get setup. We got recommendations for a few groups, and some like Wendt bubbled to the top in addition to some 1-1 grief therapists. Caring Matters was also recommended, thank you for mentioning that as well. I'm very skeptical of group support groups but should suspend my disbelief and try it.

The kids friends' parents have been great.. we've known many for over 14 years since the kids were in diapers together. I main issue I have (which is likely a me issue), at what point am I going to over-ask for help.... I mean, they have families and lives, and before this happened, i knew they were busy, so I don't want to impose, and also want to understand how to be self-sufficient and work through the changes we may need to do as a family. Not rushing to make any changes as that may shock the kids but need to know and not pass my welcome with friends.

The family weekly check in a great idea. I started a dinner routine with the kids... come home from school, ok run away to do homework or ger personal time, but then come for dinner - no devices, maybe on the patio, talk, and then go for a walk.... and after... they run away, but then come back down to hang out before going to bed... alternating family vs personal time to not make them feel they have to hang out with only dad now. So far seems to be working and they share ok. I haven't done a weekly checking in, will try that. Esp. with mothers day coming up.

I have also started looking at online delivery for food and groceries - good recommendation, my sister mentioned that too..... but its honestly.... unimpressed for the options i need. Giant does delivery and pick up so is easy. Trader Joes was a big part of our lives and none of the apps, or perhaps, trader joes does not allow shoppers, so im doing that once in a while. Honestly its nice to do that, i take the kids, and i get our more. Costco is its own beast.... we have a membership but the amount of time it takes... and no one delivers Costco... Someone recommended Shipt...while they do support costco not for my location

Thanks for the suggestion on developing autonomy with the kids, the older child (14 girl) is starting to do that, the younger (12 boy) is still whimsical but also very thoughtful and responsible... but not in a grocery/chores kind of way. More like gets me food cause i know likely missed the meal way.

Thanks for the tip on https://dcwidow.com/, will take a look.

Appreciate the memory box suggestion. My younger kid wants to make a memorial... but in practice its hard for them to get started ... memory box seems like a easier thing to have them start.

Leaving home or being busy is my self-defense mechanism, but i think it perhaps makes me not do my responsibilities.... I find any excuse to leave the house since being home, everything reminds me of my wife and it gets hard, esp. when kids doing their thing which they should , and im by myself.

Perhaps the trickiest bit is the last one... loneliness without feeling like I have to distract myself constantly. And, sleep. Thats a mess but improving.

Thank so much to everyone for sharing, appreciate it a lot

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry OP.
My DH died last year after a long illness.
I have 3 teenagers. Each of them deals with grief in different ways. Only one (the oldest) sees a mental health counselor regularly. I saw one when he was first diagnosed for a few months but I didn’t find it helpful.
There are no rules here- each person deals with it differently and that’s ok. I found with children especially they didn’t verbalize that they were upset about their dad but it would come out in different ways. For instance, irrational anger at things like not having snacks in the house. It wasn’t about the snacks. I checked in with my mom, teachers and other parents about their observations about my kids because my mom pointed out they did not want to add to my grief. Family dinner and weekend breakfasts are important. My kids needed the structure and comfort. They needed reassurance, as much as I could give it, that I’m not going anywhere. I encouraged them to be with friends as much as possible. Sleepovers at home with pancakes in the morning were a big hit.
It’s important to me that my children have happy lives. Every day counts. Don’t wait for the big vacation. Go out for ice cream tonight.
Most people will bend over backward to help you. Some will say they will then they won’t. Some people will avoid you. Roll with it. Keep your sense of humor.
It’s going to be ok OP. Despite the awfulness and grief it’s ok to have happy times now too. Your children deserve it.