Relationships/kids will never be 50/50

[Anonymous]

I read somewhere that relationships will never be 50/50 and that resentment will build if you hold onto that logic.

I’m married to my husband and we have two young kids. We both work ( me less) and we both try to do our fair share of childcare/household tasks but it’s not always fair. Some weeks I do more and other weeks he does more. We are marriage first kind of people. We love our kids dearly but our marriage is a priority to us.

How do couples with young kids manage things?

[Anonymous]

I don't expect every day or even every week or month to be 50/50, but overall I'd say we have achieved that.

[Anonymous]

Whelp one good test is if one spouse is cleaning and tidying whilst the other one is usually sitting on the couch or napping or hiding in the bathroom it ain’t close to 50/50 and one is very self-centered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whelp one good test is if one spouse is cleaning and tidying whilst the other one is usually sitting on the couch or napping or hiding in the bathroom it ain’t close to 50/50 and one is very self-centered.

Yes this matters more to me. I like to compare who has more free time. Both Dh and I work very hard. We work nonstop at home, constantly helping with kids, cleaning, cooking. I would not feel appreciated if he were playing video games while I work. After 9 pm? Sure- that’s when there’s free time.

Dh and I never keep score. We do have spheres though. I do all the financies, I do all the laundry, he does most of the cooking. When we’re responsible for our sphere, it’s easy to make sure it gets done.

[Anonymous]

Spheres is the way to go. Then you're just balancing the big picture, rather than each task, and you don't have to think about the other person's tasks much at all.

This is why I've gone 12 years without making dinner.

[Anonymous]

I make meals, he does almost everything else. We are both happy with our spheres. I’m an amazing cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spheres is the way to go. Then you're just balancing the big picture, rather than each task, and you don't have to think about the other person's tasks much at all.

This is why I've gone 12 years without making dinner.

I’’ve never heard of this term, but this is what we do!
I don’t do Laundry, Grill, Pool maintenance, DH does that.
I do all finances, school related stuff. We share the grocery shopping and cooking.

[Anonymous]

Scorekeeping is a death knell of relationships including marriage. 50/50 is a popular form of scorekeeping but it’s unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whelp one good test is if one spouse is cleaning and tidying whilst the other one is usually sitting on the couch or napping or hiding in the bathroom it ain’t close to 50/50 and one is very self-centered.

+1 This is our rule: if one is working both are working. We might not accomplish exactly the same amount or do the same chores, but nobody gets to sit around like a prince/princess while the other partner is putting in effort. We get the same amount of free time, and neither of us is trying to get away with doing less, we're both just trying to keep the ship floating and pointed in the right direction.

Two things are true. 1) it's impossible to hit exactly 50/50 in any relationship, and 2) the person who calls any effort at trying to reach 50/50 "bean counting" or "scorekeeping" is definitely the freeloader in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

What if one is making 7 figures and the other mostly just tells the help what to do?

Anonymous wrote:Whelp one good test is if one spouse is cleaning and tidying whilst the other one is usually sitting on the couch or napping or hiding in the bathroom it ain’t close to 50/50 and one is very self-centered.

[Anonymous]

I make 7 figures and pay for help. I also do sports and drop offs for the kids. You will not see me doing any of the extra cleaning or housework when the staff is not around. No way. I do too much already.

[Anonymous]

OP: If my wife was like you she wouldn't be an ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make 7 figures and pay for help. I also do sports and drop offs for the kids. You will not see me doing any of the extra cleaning or housework when the staff is not around. No way. I do too much already.

My DH earns a seven figure income and helps drive kids to sports. He also helps clean and dishes and im a SAHM.

We were never equal. DH always did more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whelp one good test is if one spouse is cleaning and tidying whilst the other one is usually sitting on the couch or napping or hiding in the bathroom it ain’t close to 50/50 and one is very self-centered.

+1 This is our rule: if one is working both are working. We might not accomplish exactly the same amount or do the same chores, but nobody gets to sit around like a prince/princess while the other partner is putting in effort. We get the same amount of free time, and neither of us is trying to get away with doing less, we're both just trying to keep the ship floating and pointed in the right direction.

Two things are true. 1) it's impossible to hit exactly 50/50 in any relationship, and 2) the person who calls any effort at trying to reach 50/50 "bean counting" or "scorekeeping" is definitely the freeloader in the relationship.

Does supposedly working on Office work during the weekends or early mornings at home count as “working”?

Ie while one spouse does all kid and house stuff from 7-8 am the other claims to be “working in their home office”. Then they both go to work.

Same for weekend. If one wakes up early at 6am to “do office work@ from 6am to 10am and ignores the kids and other spouse or family schedule is that “working” while other parent spouse is managing everything else?

Then for the grand finale, the spouse who spends 15+ hours a day in office work needs to nap Saturday and Sunday a couple hours a pop after lunch out at the restaurant, due to “working.”

Kosher? Great relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make 7 figures and pay for help. I also do sports and drop offs for the kids. You will not see me doing any of the extra cleaning or housework when the staff is not around. No way. I do too much already.

Like what?

Tutor your kid? Coach a team? Build a treehouse? Plant some flowers?