AlAnon for this specific situation

[Anonymous]

I am looking for support targetted to what it's like to be the good friend of an alcoholic who has been to rehab several times.

I am aware of Al Anon, but those meetings seem more appropriate for people who have grown up with an alcoholic mother or are married to an alcoholic etc. Yes, I suspect many of the principles are the same but I am really seeking info on a much lesser (and quicker, frankly) level, e.g. related to setting boundaries, lying, what to do when friend falls off the wagon again, etc.

Any resources appreciated

[Anonymous]

Grown up with an alcoholic mother is Adult Children of Alcoholics. Al Anon is what you want.

[Anonymous]

Yes, Al-Anon can provide solutions to the issues you are dealing with. And you don't have to have a spouse or family member with a drinking problem in order to be welcomed into the meeting rooms of Al-Anon.

I went to Al-Anon meetings twice a week for 16 years. (I only left because I got a new job that kept me super busy and something had to go.)
Al-Anon is for anyone who is concerned about another person's drinking.

In my opinion, however, Al-Anon will not provide people with a quick fix. We don't have a magic potion that we will sell you for $29.95 that will make you and the alcoholic in your life live happily ever after every day of your lives forevermore.
In my opinion, it takes sitting in on about 20 meetings before it starts to sink in what Al-Anon is all about and how it can help you.

[Anonymous]

I think Al-anon might be helpful. You may have to shop around some. Meetings vary. Some unfortunately are dominated by one or two “black belt” control freaks. Others are very honest, open and direct. The bottom line is that you didn’t cause your friend’s disease, you can’t control it and you can’t change it.

Good luck. It is hard to have a friend with substance issues.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, I really appreciate all this.
I understand there is no quick fix and that my presense wouldn't be inappropriate.

To be clear, however, the scope of the impact and problem for me is not something that warrants a weekly, 1 hour support session.

Maybe what I need to better ask for is something that is, say, a book I can read or a list of tips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, I really appreciate all this.
I understand there is no quick fix and that my presense wouldn't be inappropriate.

To be clear, however, the scope of the impact and problem for me is not something that warrants a weekly, 1 hour support session.

Maybe what I need to better ask for is something that is, say, a book I can read or a list of tips?

And to add, I know it's not a 29.99 solution, I just... frankly, am not at the point time wise or problem wise where I am going to "sitting in on about 20 meetings before it starts to sink in what Al-Anon is all about and how it can help you" (as a prior poster said). I am sure it could be transformational, but there must be something between Al Anon and nothing?

[Anonymous]

Are you looking for a script/game plan if something happens in the future? You are OK with the idea of a boundary but you want practical help with what exactly to do or say if this thing that has happened before happens again?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend to whom Al-Anon was recommended when she was struggling with her sister's (non-alcohol-induced) mental health issues. She went, and she found it helpful. The bottom line message, as I understand it, is that you can't change other people's behavior, you can only change how you respond. And that's helpful regardless of the relationship.

Good luck. You sound like a good friend.

[Anonymous]

I suggest therapy for you, OP. I get not wanting to sit through weekly Al Anon meetings, but I don't think reading a book is going to help all that much (although there are plenty of books on this topic).

Therapy is great for a lot of reasons, and you don't have to go every week for the rest of your life, but getting a therapist who has experience with those dealing with addicts can be very, very helpful. It will be much better for you to be able to state your feelings and get feedback tailored to you than just reading a book that might fall flat. Addicts aren't all the same, although clearly some basic principles can usually be applied. There are a lot of nuances that are really helpful to talk through with someone, especially as things evolve over time.

Is there a reason you wouldn't be willing to do therapy? You ought to be able to find someone who does it virtually as well, so it would just be the time for the appointment, not the driving back and forth if time is an issue.

[Anonymous]

Maybe read "Co-Dependent No More"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, I really appreciate all this.
I understand there is no quick fix and that my presense wouldn't be inappropriate.

To be clear, however, the scope of the impact and problem for me is not something that warrants a weekly, 1 hour support session.

Maybe what I need to better ask for is something that is, say, a book I can read or a list of tips?

I'd try your question at r/alanon

[Anonymous]

OP, with what you’ve said, the “Co-dependent No More” Book might be worth a look. Beyond that you have to decide what boundaries you want and then enforce them, realizing that it may cost you the friendship.

Some possibilities:

1. No financial or other help available except to promote recovery (e.g., a ride to a meeting).

2. No association when the person is under the influence or hung over.

3. No discussion of the problem (i.e., “leakage from the recovery program where such matters should be addressed).

4. Zero tolerance for alcoholic behavior (lying, blaming, controlling, mooching, raging, big emotional outbursts, etc.)

It is helpful to remember that once/when the disease is in charge, you’re dealing with the disease, not the friend who formerly inhabited a certain body.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all of these ideas!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suggest therapy for you, OP. I get not wanting to sit through weekly Al Anon meetings, but I don't think reading a book is going to help all that much (although there are plenty of books on this topic).

Therapy is great for a lot of reasons, and you don't have to go every week for the rest of your life, but getting a therapist who has experience with those dealing with addicts can be very, very helpful. It will be much better for you to be able to state your feelings and get feedback tailored to you than just reading a book that might fall flat. Addicts aren't all the same, although clearly some basic principles can usually be applied. There are a lot of nuances that are really helpful to talk through with someone, especially as things evolve over time.

Is there a reason you wouldn't be willing to do therapy? You ought to be able to find someone who does it virtually as well, so it would just be the time for the appointment, not the driving back and forth if time is an issue.

I am willing to go to therapy in general, and do. I think I may have overshot by asking here, though, as I don't want to spend more than a session or two on this, or frankly all that more than I already have with my therapist. I was just looking for a book of tips and tools or general advice on dealing with alcoholics. It's not to say I don't care but I have to admit it's not something that has had the impact on my life as it would if I had a parent or spouse who was an alcoholic. I hear that may come across as denial, but really --

This is a good friend who live sin a different state who has an alcohol problem and has been in and out of rehab. I was just wondering if there were not very -intense ways of learning more.

[Anonymous]

If you want to understand more about alcoholism, the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous has a whole bunch of recovery stories that reveal a lot about alcoholic thinking and behavior.