Crap show continues
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Anonymous
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I have written before about my parents/sibling cross-country. Last I wrote, Dad had suddenly passed and Mom was forced to immediately sell house because they had long been out of cash. She could no longer live there, even with my sibling, because she was getting increasingly wheelchair-bound. Husband and I laid out $$ for my mother to move to assisted living. She loves it, but my sibling actually moved in with her and my mother covers all her costs. Their choice, though my mother, now that she's settled, would love my sister to move out, even gave her some $$ to move out, but she hasn't. It's clear from her behavior there is something mentally not right. Sibling's always been OCD and anxious and I suspect that's what's causing sib to not try for a better paying job to be able to afford 'adulting'.
Well, today my mother tried to get up with the assisted living caregivers' help (she needs two) to go to the bathroom and they are suspecting she fractured her knee. Xray soon. This new injury could easily make her 100% wheelchair-bound and, sadly, she might not be able to stay in that assisted living. There is a place much closer to me with a ton of family around that is self-pay (she can afford it). It's a lovely place and she would be equally happy there for sure. My sibling though, will FLIP out because (a) it's a change) and (be) sibling can't afford to support him/herself. There's a lot of anger towards me for not paying for sib's apartment, to the point where sib is actually getting rather scary. What now? Not sure anyone can answer me and not sure I really need one; it feels good to vent a bit I guess. |
Anonymous
| Wait, your sibling MOVED In to assisted living with your mother? Was that permitted? |
Anonymous
I thought the same. How is that even allowed? |
Anonymous
| I am shocked she could live there. I needed extra special permission to stay one night with my grandma when her usual caregiver was away. Is your sibling eating meals there? Going to activities? It seems like your mom's injury, though unfortunate, has a silver lining of allowing you to encourage a change. If your mom moves to a place without room for the sibling, sib will have to figure something else out. Be prepared for sib to pressure your mom into paying for their housing... |
Anonymous
| Therapy can help you deal with sibling/parent issues. It's ok to tell your sibling that if they threaten you or blame you, that you will not talk to them about this topic....or talk to them at all. If you truly feel in danger, a domestic violence org may have safety tips and know about protective order rules where you live. You can also get doorbell cameras. |
Anonymous
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Move your mother closer to self-pay place. Bonus if they don't allow guests to live there endlessly!
The sibling is scary: how scary? Can they be barred from the nursing home if they are violent or make threats? Unfortunately there's a very high bar in most states for an involuntary psychiatric hold... |
Anonymous
Yes, and it’s allowed. |
Anonymous
If sib gets what she wants, not scary |
Anonymous
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Xray showed fractured kneecap. They are taking her to the hospital. My kid is coming home from Asia for a week and a half - first time I'll see him in two years. If you think I'm getting on a plane and missing him, you're insane. I offered them so many (free) opportunities to move East and I was called all sorts of crap. I told them flying back and forth cross-country all the time is not something I'm going to do. I told my mother that if they will not take her back at assisted living, I am moving her East. Her response was "when your sibling moves out. I already told her I'm moving East when she finds a place to live". My mother is so worried about my sibling, who does work but deliberately keeps income low to take advantage of state insurance. So can't qualify for anything. OCD is to the point where if I let sib live in our beach place, sib will bar the doors and not let us in, so we don't contaminate the space. Will turn into an eviction nightmare and sib knows the law and knows how to work it. If sib medicates (currently refusing), things can change. But I won't lose my house.
I'll call, I'll be involved, and after my kid leaves and the roof is done, I will consider going out there for a bit. Husband was laid off for months, is now working. Taking time off is not going to happen for him so it's not going to be cheap or easy |
Anonymous
I am sorry you are dealing with this OP. I think you have a solid plan. No one wants to be heartless, but sibling sounds capable but not motivated. I'd help sibling get their own place just to get my mom closer to me. IF you have the ability to help sibling with rent for some period of time that might make it easier for your mother to leave. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| Tell your sister tough shit, and do what you gotta do. |
Anonymous
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You are doing what you can given the circumstances. And I applaud you for taking care of yourself first. I know there are some people on here who think our generation needs to put our own lives on hold for our elderly relatives who refuse to help themselves out of untenable situations.
Enjoy the time with your kid and see where the chips fall. Let your mom know you’ll move her closer as soon as she’s willing but for now she needs to rely on your sibling, as is her choice. Just because they have an incredibly unhealthy relationship doesn’t mean you need to. |
Anonymous
| Thank you all (OP here). There’s a huge difference between driving even 8 hours on the East coast to help relatives and assisted living with Mom and having to fly cross country. And there’s truly a village if she decides to go to MA or NY rather than here in VA. That’s where family is. If she was East Coast, I could see my kid, drive up, then spent a month there or more if she wanted me to. My father and my sister told me that it was my responsibility to relocate to the west coast. Very selfish when my mother wanted to come HOME to the East Coast. And now she’s trapping herself because of my sister. I guess it’s of her own doing. The good thing is she’s happy in that assisted living, has friends, etc, so if she stays, I’m ok with that. But my sister HAS to move out. I’m hoping this hospital stay exposes everything. The hospital has my number and has already called me and told them I am MORE than willing to get my mother and take her back East. |
Anonymous
| There is no way that would be allowed. |
Anonymous
I don't think that will improve the situation as a whole. Tell your mother you think your sib isn't going to jump; she needs a push. So not "I'm moving once you move out," but "I'm moving on [date]. You need to be out of here by then or other people will touch your stuff when they move it out." |