What’s the key to having a big family? How does it work? What’s needed?

[Anonymous]

Asking as an only child with an only child grandmother and grandfather who had siblings without children. I did not grow up with a large family. Despite my grandmother having 5 children — only one, my mother, had a child. Her mother passed and nearly all of my relatives were of her generation or older so it seems my family lineage is dying out. My great aunts are 80+ and their grandchildren are distant but no one is under 30.

My husband has a small family as well - no cousins or relatives close in age.

I see the families that vacation together there’s aunts and uncles and cousins. They get the beach houses or take the flights to Europe, tropical places, etc and just seem to be having the best time.

Whats the core thing needed to make these types of families work? Is it that people are close in age?

All had children? All get along?

[Anonymous]

It's a variety of factors.

Personality would be the biggest one. Meaning, the types of people who enjoy kids, have them, and then also enjoy nurturing family bonds.

Then there is luck too. Because for every big family who gets along and loves each other, there is also a big family who is a MESS.

[Anonymous]

Money is the key. I grew up with 8 kids in my family. Dreadful. Not enough attention, connection to parents. Had to pay own college tuition. Bus to local state u. Still have PTSD. Unless you are super rich, please do not do.

[Anonymous]

For a big family you need to be very good at behavior management, otherwise your life will be chaos. You will need lots of money to pay for needs and extras like lessons, camp, sports, etc. Traveling will be difficult for many reasons including expense. Hotel rooms are generally made to accommodate 4 people. Be prepared not to be invited places because of the size of your family. People who throw parties aren’t prepared to invite large families over. Your children will not be able to get the attention they would get in a smaller family as your precious time will be divided among your children. Then there’s college…. Some schools are charging $100,000 a year. State schools are an option and some schools give merit scholarships, but your kids will need excellent grades in high school to qualify for those. These are just some of the things to consider.

[Anonymous]

Money. My husband’s family of origin is wealthy so his parents pay for big vacations - beach, skiing, private planes, etc. He and his siblings don’t really like each other but as long as the parents are paying everyone is happy to go. I think when the parents pass and all of the money is divided this will end.

[Anonymous]

A lot of it is luck.

I married into a big family. On the surface, it looks happy and vibrant. But there're lots of problems underneath. Some siblings don't get along well. Users and takers. Entitlement. Poor financial management. The list goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Money. My husband’s family of origin is wealthy so his parents pay for big vacations - beach, skiing, private planes, etc. He and his siblings don’t really like each other but as long as the parents are paying everyone is happy to go. I think when the parents pass and all of the money is divided this will end.

Also money = control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see the families that vacation together there’s aunts and uncles and cousins. They get the beach houses or take the flights to Europe, tropical places, etc and just seem to be having the best time.

I don't think this is very common. My parents and ILs both have many siblings, so there are many cousins on both sides. Both families grew up poor, which is not unconnected: kids are expensive and moms stayed home to care for them. I saw local cousins often but did not vacation with them, and actually the fact my parents could afford vacations was a point of friction. At the counsin generation, people are doing better financially but also having fewer kids. All the adult cousins are scattered geographically so we see each other rarely and our kids don't really know each other. We get together for a Christmas party about once every other year -- and it's really fun! But not the level of connectedness you are describing.

If you want travel buddies, make friends with same-age kids and similar incomes/interests. Travel with them.

If you want close cousin relationships I think the keys are geographic proximity and adult siblings getting along very well. Your chances are way better if the adult siblings are sisters rather than brothers: of course men can prioritize extended family, but culturally it's less likely and so the default is to see the mom's family.

[Anonymous]

Money and usually one person who acts as the glue.
My paternal grandparents had 6 children including my dad, my mom’s parents had a total of 5 children. I grew up with 30 first cousins and the type of family where we would gather for Sunday dinner at the grandparents every week. But once my grandparents were gone everyone went their own way. There are no estrangements but we are also not close with relatives outside our nuclear families anymore.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of money, and it flows downhill, plus strong family values. I have a friend with six kids. They have a ton of money. They always fly private for family vacations (six kids + two adults). They have two nannies and a housekeeper, and she doesn't work but is involved in philanthropy. She is 100% devoted to her kids, but as there are six of them, she needs help. They have a chef prepare several meals that can just be reheated. The family is active in their religion, which seems to unite them in many things, including the importance of family relationships and the sanctity of marriage. I never wanted to have a lot of kids, but I do sometimes envy her life.

[Anonymous]

Money. Good health of all parents and kids, or at least manageable health. Fertility, obviously, and starting when you're pretty young. A husband who's very much into the idea of a large family. A willingness to be a career SAHM and never have a significant job, ever.

You have to accept a certain level of noise, and that your kids are not going to get the 1:1 attention that many people think is beneficial. You will not be able to micromanage any of your kids academically or socially. If any serious problem crops up, the rest of the kids will feel pretty under-attended-to for a while. The older kids will sort of separate from the family in high school to avoid being pressed into a babysitter role with the little ones. When your younger ones launch, you will become a grandma-- there will never be much of a break from having little kids in your life.

If this all sounds great to you, I think it can be a beautiful way of life.

[Anonymous]

I think it's two things:

1) The personality type that can handle a lot of chaos
2) Money


I know a lot of people will say family help, and I definitely think that plays a factor, but that only goes so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's two things:

1) The personality type that can handle a lot of chaos
2) Money


I know a lot of people will say family help, and I definitely think that plays a factor, but that only goes so far.

Number one is a good point, and it is the only thing that kept me from wanting a big family. I don't do well with chaos and noise. People who run a large family well seem to be more patient and more comfortable with chaos.

[Anonymous]

Money-- specifically a willingness to pay for those who can't afford it, or to plan things that work for everyone. SAHMs, early retirement, and jobs that allow remote or a lot of time off.

Cultural similarity within the family and those who marry in, or at least a lot of tolerance for differences of lifestyle and opinion. Not a lot of divorces or other family difficulties that can cause stress or tension. No visible addictions or disruptive mental illnesses. Not having some outlier person that everyone dislikes. No teens or stepkids being difficult or not wanting to be there.

My DH's family does this, and it happens because his mom plans it and figures it all out, and because his sister has a lake house and she's nice enough to invite everyone there. All the adults want it to work, and all the kids are well-behaved and get along, so it works. But it's very easy to see how little it takes to make this not work.

[Anonymous]

Money, or at least a family vacation home in a somewhat convenient location, or everyone has to be super down with the idea of budget vacationing.

An older person who people want to see or feel obligated to see. Such as a grandma.

For the super-rich, they're also going to have a family business meeting led by their family office staff, and none of the adult children wants to miss it.