Don't sacrifice everything for your children

[Anonymous]

Is it common to feel at times that you sacrificed too much of yourself, your resources, your health, your career, your hobbies, your other relationships for children who don't value it anymore than children of people who didn't?

[Anonymous]

Most parents want things a little better for their kids than they had it.

[Anonymous]

Yes, most parents make some effort but levels of parental efforts are widely varied.

[Anonymous]

Many of us consider the necessary sacrifices to be part and parcel of parenting- not something that requires recognition and gratitude. In my family, I model respect and care for my mother and my daughter (now that she is out of her solipsistic early twenties) responds to me in a similar way. I give lots of grace and try not to nag or shame behavior that is a little careless. Your adult children are probably a great deal mentally, financially and physically better off than their neglected peers- barring mental illness.

[Anonymous]

My oldest was born with special needs and I've made more sacrifices for that kid than I ever could have thought possible, starting with my career. Even though he made it to college, he still gets into situations and needs us to see him through them.

Sometimes it's exhausting, mentally and/or physically, but this is what a parent has to do. Parent his kid. It's no one's fault that a kid is born with higher needs. A parent has to step up, as much as they can, that's all.

If he can be financially independent and at some point be functional on his own, that's all I ask.

My other kids are more typical, thank goodness.

[Anonymous]

It’s better to set your life up in a way that you don’t *have* to sacrifice everything to have children. Make sure you’re at a place in your life and career and finances that you don’t look back and realize you have nothing. That will also make you a better parent if the kid doesn’t go through their life under the weight of expectations from your sacrifices.

[Anonymous]

Don't sacrifice your children.

[Anonymous]

For some parents, there comes a time to draw a line in the sand. It's extraordinarily difficult when there are extenuating circumstances. You certainly shouldn't sacrifice your health, financial stability, or safety for an adult child.

[Anonymous]

But many of us couldn't look in the mirror if we didn't give parenting 100%. If my kids aren't okay, neither am I. This isn't to say I'd sacrifice saving for retirement over funding 529 plans or work myself sick to buy them designer clothes. However, like everything in life, and perhaps more so, I'll continue to give my best effort to my children, regardless of the outcome. Unconditional love.

[Anonymous]

Mine come first. Why have kids if they don’t come first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For some parents, there comes a time to draw a line in the sand. It's extraordinarily difficult when there are extenuating circumstances. You certainly shouldn't sacrifice your health, financial stability, or safety for an adult child.

Not for an adult child. By then, the bulk of your job as a parent is done, and whatever help you want to provide is gratuitous. Parenting relationships must evolve and give children space to become who they are. If you've given it your best effort from infant to college graduation, you should have peace in knowing that you've done what you can.

[Anonymous]

I would die for my kids. But I also needed something for myself, so I kept my career, invested in my education, obtained certifications, and lived my life. I think balance is key.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what others are doing, but I'm sure not doing that. My kids are a part of my life. They're not my entire life.

[Anonymous]

Specifically, what sacrifices?

The biggest sacrifices I have made as a parent were giving up some of my career trajectory (but not my entire career) to be more present in my kids' lives when they were young, and making some compromises about where we lived to make sure they got a good education. I don't regret either of these.

There are things I could not have because I was a parent, but I don't view them as sacrifices. Like I never viewed it as a sacrifice that I couldn't go on boozy couples vacations, because we had kids. I did that before I had kids. With kids I could go on family vacations that were fun in a different way, and I couldn't have done that without kids. Same with many aspects of family life -- I gave up a lot of my social life in order to spend time with my family. But it wasn't a sacrifice because I enjoy time with my family and it is a fulfilling in a different way. I gave up some of my energy and time for hobbies to spend time reading to, playing with, or teaching my kids. Again, there's a loss there but also a gain. Not a sacrifice IMO.

To me, becoming a mom was a very conscious choice made because I wanted to have the experiences of parenting. I knew I'd give up aspects of my life before and was okay with that -- you often have to give up one thing to have another. That's life. I mostly feel lucky that I was able to have the experience of parenting, and have these relationships with my kids who I love in a way I don't love anyone else.

One choice my DH and I made was to just have two kids and have them close together. We also would have been happy with one, I think. I see people with 3 or more kids and I know that's not for me because it really extends how many years of your life you devote to your children, plus sucks up more financial/time/energy resources. I knew I wanted balance so I chose to stop having kids so that I could keep more of those resources for myself without feeling like I was short changing my kids.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I sacrificed everything and I watch my brother sacrifice nothing (like choosing a vacation instead of OT for his kid) and I don't know that it really matters, it is what it is. People do what they think and the kids turn out accordingly. People carry guilty resentment or carry nothing and that's that. Do whatever. See how it goes. I did what I did because at the time that's what I could live with.