siblings think that my mom, a good driver, should stop driving

[Anonymous]

My mother is in her nineties and is slowing down. She doesn't hear well, and goes to bed early. Fine. Lives independently--and drives herself to the store, to friends' houses, out for coffee.
My three siblings say she must stop driving because of her age. Suppose something happens? Take the keys! Sell the car! (do we even have a right to do that?) There's Lyft and Uber!
I'm furious at them. Let mom drive. Let her be independent for as long as she can. For what it's worth, it's the tone of the arguments that get to me--as if we kids are suddenly in charge of her life and I'm a fool for "letting her drive." If she were infirm, or in assisted living, that's another matter. I've never gotten along well with my three siblings, so that doesn't help.
Your views welcome.

[Anonymous]

Furious? Calm down

[Anonymous]

21:49 again. It is unreasonable to think there is a *perfect* time. Opinions other than yours are not done with cruel intent. A year or two, on either side of this decision is similar and in her nineties is OLD. Very, very (I'd add another "very") or no drivers who are in their nineties should be on the road.

[Anonymous]

They are right

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who is 90 and drives just fine, no problems, lucky for her her three adult kids aren't trying to run her life for her yet.

I have another friend who is 83, she had a minor accident at the Trader Joe's that was her fault, the state was having her retest to see if she should be driving, she thought the tests were too hard and gave up her license voluntarily.

It is a very individual thing despite age. I'm with you, it is not appropriate to infantalize an adult because of your opinion rather than based on facts.

[Anonymous]

For most elderly (not all) at least that I know, they are uncomfortable with ride services. They don't mind taking one somewhere, but don't want to be brought home alone to a house where they live by themselves. The app can also be difficult. And if your mom lives alone, then she has to be able to get around.

Are your siblings willing to drive her around? Probably not.

Also, the longer she can live at home and be mostly self-sufficient the more likely she will be able to afford care closer to the end.

I think you need to approach the issue holistically. Are people willing to drive her around? Do you understand her finances and what she can and cannot afford? Are they willing to accept that the minute they take her car away and leave her alone her home, they are hastening her demise.

[Anonymous]

You better start working harder at getting along with your siblings. It sounds like you are The Problem. It's reasonable that they would think Mom should stop driving. A different view is just a different view.

[Anonymous]

When it is I turn 80, I've told my kids ... it's your decision. Take my keys, whatever. You will know better than I.

The elderly have to adjust - sorry.

[Anonymous]

My mom just turned 90 and the state made her go through testing to renew her license. She passed with flying colors.

As already stated, it varies from person to person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When it is I turn 80, I've told my kids ... it's your decision. Take my keys, whatever. You will know better than I.

The elderly have to adjust - sorry.

Get back to us when you're 80.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You better start working harder at getting along with your siblings. It sounds like you are The Problem. It's reasonable that they would think Mom should stop driving. A different view is just a different view.

Wow. Glad I'm not your parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You better start working harder at getting along with your siblings. It sounds like you are The Problem. It's reasonable that they would think Mom should stop driving. A different view is just a different view.

This is a harsh but accurate assessment of what's going on. OP, not everything is about you and your emotions. Try to see the big picture here.

[Anonymous]

Have there been any instances where she was confused while driving, lacked reflexes, or couldn't see well? For example, maybe she drives too slowly, lots of elderly people do that, and it's actually dangerous.

All this is moot if there is no plan for the future: what is your mother supposed to do if she can't drive to buy food? Get it delivered? How will she socialize, Uber? If your siblings don't have a solution she can accept, this is going to be a difficult conversation, like almost all of them are... which doesn't mean it won't have to be done at some point.

One last point: stop being furious and acting all contrary. You know full well that your mother is getting up there and very soon, things will need to change.

[Anonymous]

So she has hearing troubles—that's not great for driving. How is her vision? Her mobility for looking behind her? Her reflexes?

How often do you ride in her car? Is she driving as fast as the other cars? Does she feel confident driving?

[Anonymous]

Several of the learn to drive programs for teenagers also do assessments of elderly people. For example, I think “I drive smart” does those.

Perhaps getting an independent assessment of her driving ability from one of those types of places would be a reasonable way to decide if you or your siblings are correct about your mom’s driving ability.