Deleted my post about my kid at Columbia?

[Anonymous]

Hi Jeff,

I had stepped away, but did my post go sideways? The last I read of it, everything was fine and I was in the middle of replying to a post and it said it didn't exist? What did I miss.

I really wanted the perspective of other parents with kids involved in these protests.

What did I miss?

[jsteele]

There were two threads about Columbia in the college forum and one in the political forum. All three were political. So I removed the two in the college forum. Both had quite a few inappropriate posts so I am surprised that you missed them.

[Anonymous]

jsteele wrote:There were two threads about Columbia in the college forum and one in the political forum. All three were political. So I removed the two in the college forum. Both had quite a few inappropriate posts so I am surprised that you missed them.

I had stepped away for about an hour, and was drafting a reply that was taking was taking a long time because of distractions. I didn’t think my post was politically inclined even though others may have directed it that way. I wanted assistance from a parent perspective of a college kids embroiled in all of this.

But if it went sideways, that wasn’t my intention.

This was the reply I was working on.

Op here. Thank you for this.

DD said she knows what the protesting guidelines are and is adhering to them. She is clear about the what she can and can not do. She’s not in an encampment or getting in the faces of LEOs.

My DD has a mind of her own. She is a tenacious critical thinker. I trust her to make good decisions, hell, I didn’t even know she was applying to Columbia until she was accepted. But as many posters have pointed out, and I agree, I think she is being naive about how all of this has escalated. I am not and will never be ashamed of my DD to stand for what she believes in. I would not be ashamed to tell anyone that she’s is a peaceful protester. She is my child and I know her heart and intentions. She is not an anti-Semite. Her best friend at Columbia is Jewish and protesting right beside her. From her perspective, she is separating the actions of Israel’s military/Netanyahu from the right of Israel to defend itself against a devastating, violent attack and how the people of Palestine are being treated.

I am trying to give the best advice I can, but honestly, this I feel like I’m in an untenable situation.That gray area between being a kid (my kid) and adulthood is giving me pause. I told her that this isn’t like HS. She is an adult now. There are repercussions to the decisions we make, mom and dad can’t clean up the fallout, or rather we won’t cleanup the fallout, when you know the rules.

As a side note, DD actually does quite a bit of volunteering. She actually volunteers at a homeless shelter once a week, Planned Parenthood twice a month and distributes Narcan with some other volunteer group.


I do appreciate all of the responses and perspectives. Definitely want to get as much advice as I can, because I’ve decided to take a trip to NYC myself tomorrow morning. I’m landing my helicopter right in front of John J. Hall.

[Anonymous]

I think Jeff might have saved some lives deleting that thread. We'd have all died of boredom reading that post.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wrote a long reply with questions you might want to ask your daughter, based on my experience with nonviolent civil disobedience. Did you see it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wrote a long reply with questions you might want to ask your daughter, based on my experience with nonviolent civil disobedience. Did you see it?

I didn’t.

[jsteele]

I commend your daughter for standing up for her principles. My advice, free and worth every penny, is that you not worry too much or at least not make her aware of your concerns. Your role is to show support and be there to help pick up the pieces in the very rare chance that things go wrong. I spent much of my college time demonstrating in a very similar manner, though back then we were protesting Apartheid in South Africa. Those are experiences that I look back on proudly now. The idealism of youth should not be crushed. They believe in a better world and we should not stand in their way while they try to create one.

[Anonymous]

jsteele wrote:I commend your daughter for standing up for her principles. My advice, free and worth every penny, is that you not worry too much or at least not make her aware of your concerns. Your role is to show support and be there to help pick up the pieces in the very rare chance that things go wrong. I spent much of my college time demonstrating in a very similar manner, though back then we were protesting Apartheid in South Africa. Those are experiences that I look back on proudly now. The idealism of youth should not be crushed. They believe in a better world and we should not stand in their way while they try to create one.

Thanks Jeff. Your advice is appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wrote a long reply with questions you might want to ask your daughter, based on my experience with nonviolent civil disobedience. Did you see it?

I didn’t.

Ugh, sorry you missed it.

Jeff, can you still see the thread and copy and paste my post here for the OP to see? It's the post with the set of questions in bold. It was respectful and didn't violate any rules.

[jsteele]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wrote a long reply with questions you might want to ask your daughter, based on my experience with nonviolent civil disobedience. Did you see it?

I didn’t.

Ugh, sorry you missed it.

Jeff, can you still see the thread and copy and paste my post here for the OP to see? It's the post with the set of questions in bold. It was respectful and didn't violate any rules.

I don't think I got that far into the thread myself before I deleted it. So I don't know to which post you refer. Nevertheless, once a thread has been deleted I have no way to view it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wrote a long reply with questions you might want to ask your daughter, based on my experience with nonviolent civil disobedience. Did you see it?

I didn’t.

Is there another place I can get similar questions you posed?

[Anonymous]

jsteele wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wrote a long reply with questions you might want to ask your daughter, based on my experience with nonviolent civil disobedience. Did you see it?

I didn’t.

Ugh, sorry you missed it.

Jeff, can you still see the thread and copy and paste my post here for the OP to see? It's the post with the set of questions in bold. It was respectful and didn't violate any rules.

I don't think I got that far into the thread myself before I deleted it. So I don't know to which post you refer. Nevertheless, once a thread has been deleted I have no way to view it again.

Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I wrote a long reply with questions you might want to ask your daughter, based on my experience with nonviolent civil disobedience. Did you see it?

I didn’t.

Ugh, sorry you missed it.

Jeff, can you still see the thread and copy and paste my post here for the OP to see? It's the post with the set of questions in bold. It was respectful and didn't violate any rules.

Not OP. I read it. It was good. Another person posted to say that they wanted to save the info for use with their child - maybe they did?

[Anonymous]

OP, I’ll try to remember what I wrote…

I want to try to answer your questions based on my own activism and advocacy for Palestinian rights and as a mother of college students. It’s natural for worry about their involvement in this. I’ve told my kids that they need to be more cautious than I am because they are at the start of their careers and I am nearing the end of mine.

If I had a daughter at Columbia involved in the protest, or in any protest, I would ask her these questions:

1. Why do you feel personally called to be involved in this particular action at this time? You don’t have to respond to every opportunity. Some times I am the one getting arrested, some times I can only offer support, like transport, food, etc. Some times I’m too busy and have to skip it. As a parent, I would try to listen without asking questions, even if my kid articulated their thoughts in a less than sophisticated way, in order to get them to open up to answering my other questions.

2. What is the purpose of this campaign and what is the plan? The lay of the land has changed at Columbia so it makes sense for your daughter to step back and reassess her involvement.

3. Do the organizers have a commitment to nonviolent civil disobedience, and have they required participants to agree to that? This is very important to me. My kids know that I have left protests when participants have started to use violent words or actions, usually yelling at or throwing things at police. You can read about the six principles of nonviolence here https://thekingcenter.org/about-tkc/the-king-philosophy/

4. Do the organizers have advice from an attorney, and do you know how to contact the attorney? Whenever risking arrest, or in this case, also the possibility of school discipline, you need to be fully informed what the level of risk is for each level of participation. I never risk arrest without knowing first what the charges would be and who to call if I need an attorney to help me.

5. Does this protest fit with your personal goals in like? You expressed worry that her grades or financial aid might be affected. She needs to be aware of your worries and take them into consideration. Also, I ask my kids “do you hope to have an internship or job at an organization that won’t like your involvement in this?” The World Bank asks all job applicants if they have ever been arrested. Some faith-based organizations search the social media accounts of job applicants for connects to causes they don’t support. And the defense industry doesn’t like this kind of thing. Is your daughter ok with taking herself out of the running for these kind of jobs? I certainly don’t have problem with it 😊 but your daughter should be aware so she can decide.

One more comment – you said something about you and your DH being from the hood and knowing how to take care of yourselves and feeling like your daughter lives in a bubble. I think you feel scared because your daughter is entering a world where you don’t know how to take care of her but that doesn’t mean she is doing a poor job caring for herself. Even if she can’t answer these questions immediately, asking them would help her to discern and grow. And that’s all we parents of young adults can do. Hope that helps. All the best to you and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ll try to remember what I wrote…

I want to try to answer your questions based on my own activism and advocacy for Palestinian rights and as a mother of college students. It’s natural for worry about their involvement in this. I’ve told my kids that they need to be more cautious than I am because they are at the start of their careers and I am nearing the end of mine.

If I had a daughter at Columbia involved in the protest, or in any protest, I would ask her these questions:

1. Why do you feel personally called to be involved in this particular action at this time? You don’t have to respond to every opportunity. Some times I am the one getting arrested, some times I can only offer support, like transport, food, etc. Some times I’m too busy and have to skip it. As a parent, I would try to listen without asking questions, even if my kid articulated their thoughts in a less than sophisticated way, in order to get them to open up to answering my other questions.

2. What is the purpose of this campaign and what is the plan? The lay of the land has changed at Columbia so it makes sense for your daughter to step back and reassess her involvement.

3. Do the organizers have a commitment to nonviolent civil disobedience, and have they required participants to agree to that? This is very important to me. My kids know that I have left protests when participants have started to use violent words or actions, usually yelling at or throwing things at police. You can read about the six principles of nonviolence here https://thekingcenter.org/about-tkc/the-king-philosophy/

4. Do the organizers have advice from an attorney, and do you know how to contact the attorney? Whenever risking arrest, or in this case, also the possibility of school discipline, you need to be fully informed what the level of risk is for each level of participation. I never risk arrest without knowing first what the charges would be and who to call if I need an attorney to help me.

5. Does this protest fit with your personal goals in like? You expressed worry that her grades or financial aid might be affected. She needs to be aware of your worries and take them into consideration. Also, I ask my kids “do you hope to have an internship or job at an organization that won’t like your involvement in this?” The World Bank asks all job applicants if they have ever been arrested. Some faith-based organizations search the social media accounts of job applicants for connects to causes they don’t support. And the defense industry doesn’t like this kind of thing. Is your daughter ok with taking herself out of the running for these kind of jobs? I certainly don’t have problem with it 😊 but your daughter should be aware so she can decide.

One more comment – you said something about you and your DH being from the hood and knowing how to take care of yourselves and feeling like your daughter lives in a bubble. I think you feel scared because your daughter is entering a world where you don’t know how to take care of her but that doesn’t mean she is doing a poor job caring for herself. Even if she can’t answer these questions immediately, asking them would help her to discern and grow. And that’s all we parents of young adults can do. Hope that helps. All the best to you and your daughter.

Op here. Thank you so much for posting this. I think these questions are exactly the information I need from her and great discussion points we can have as a family. I’m copying this information right now.

I really do thank you.


Again, Jeff it was not my intention to make a political post.