Wife won’t let me call her bisexual??

[Anonymous]

My wife (F40) and I (F48) have been married 4 years. We have a 4yo son & her 7yo daughter from a marriage that concluded before baby was born; both kids consider us their moms (though dad is still in the picture). In other words, my wife has had 6 years of a relationship with a woman to understand that people perceive her as a woman in a relationship with a woman, [i.e. a lesbian/bi/pan/queer]. [/i] But when I make the kinds of lesbian jokes that I make about myself (and she makes about me) at her, she gets pissed off and tells me she isn’t gay. When I substitute the word “bisexual” (b/c the comments in question are about having crushes on women, wearing certain clothes, etc., not the question of her attraction to men, which I understand), she’s still upset. When I make references to the LGBT+ community, she acts like she’s not involved and she just “happens to be married to a woman” — but that woman is an out and proud lesbian! Our marriage is overall great and our sex life is still off the charts which I understand is an achievement with kids this age, but it’s hard not to read this discomfort as a repudiation of me and what I/our marriage mean for her identity. I would’ve understood that five years ago, but she proposed, for God’s sake! It was her idea to have a second kid together! How do I deal with what I know is her insecurity without resenting her/how much is it appropriate for me to let her know this hurts my feelings?

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to her about this? Seriously, not with jokes. It might be that she doesn’t self identify as LGBTQ+, in which case she should know how uncomfortable that makes you, or it might just be that she’s never really been part of “the community” and doesn’t find the jokes funny, in which case you just need to tone it down with the jokes. Bisexuals, especially those who are married to men or otherwise straight passing often either never spent a lot of time in queer spaces or were explicitly rejected from queer spaces so what feels like funny in-jokes to you might feel like hurtful stereotypes or unkind teasing to her.

[Anonymous]

I'd think it warrants a conversation, calmly, not judgmentally and without jokes.
"Hey - when you say you don't like to be called gay, that makes me feel XYZ"

[Anonymous]

Stop making fun of your wife since you know she doesn't like it.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible that this stems from internalized homophobia and internalized biphobia?

There's also the fact that a lot of people that weren't out and proud for a long time might feel like they aren't queer enough. That's a really common thing.

Combine these two together and it can be really difficult for some people. I don't know how you broach this gently but I do think a therapist that specializes in LGBTQ+ people and our specific traumas could help (again, I'm not sure how you broach this subject).

[Anonymous]

She probably has negative associations with the communities you describe, and just wants to be herself, with you. Not one bisexual person married to a lesbian. It's NOT a rejection of YOU.

Does she have conservative views? Maybe she doesn't like the general perception that LGBTQ+ are often lefty, loud, vulgar, sexually promiscuous and do things like Pride... throwing all the worst connotations at you, OP

Anyway. I wouldn't force anything. She's conflicted, and pushing the matter won't make it better.

[Anonymous]

Seems like a conversation that would have happened before getting married.

Good luck, OP. At least it sounds like there is no question that you love each other and want to be together. That's the most important thing.