I slept with another man and am consumed with guilt

[Anonymous]

I am a man, and I'm leaning towards it being better if she doesn't tell, as long as she has a high degree of certainty that it won't come back to bite her.

But, you should be extra nice and grateful to your husband, who you now could lose, along with your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to take care of your alcohol problem. Find a therapist as soon as you get home.

Yes, OP, I think you should review whether you have a problem with drinking generally that gets you into trouble or if this a one-time mistake.

PP here who said don't tell spouse.

I had this thought too. I admit I'm not a drinker, so the idea of a grown woman getting s**t-faced with a colleague seems inappropriate to me.. Regardless, if OP regularly gets terribly drunk then she needs to get some help. And I also agree that being drunk isn't an excuse - it doesn't sound like OP was in a blackout.

drinker does not equal cheater.

+ 100

I've always been a party girl/drinker--I've never cheated on anyone. 19-years married.

[Anonymous]

Man here,

Having been in your husband's position, I have to say that the idea of not telling him disgusts me. The only thing that bothers me more than the act, was the fact that she concealed it for so long and put on a front like everything was fine. I could understand a mistake, but I couldn't understand deliberately concealing it. I can't completely accept the explanation that she was trying to protect my feelings, because I know that a large part of it was her trying to keep what she had. Once I found out, I was hurt by the action, but I was driven to a point of anger that I've never been before solely because the only thing on my mind was how she managed to smile in my face every single day and how believable it was. I couldn't be married to someone who could lie that well. I realized that I could never trust her again. I moved out, and filed for divorce as soon as the separation requirement was met.

It's been two years and I'm still messed up in the head/heart over it. I've tried counseling and I'm getting better, but I have a long way to go. Being aware of my own feelings, I can understand why you wouldn't want to hurt someone by revealing the truth. The problem is that you have to hold this for the rest of your life, and if he EVER finds out. You're gonna do more damage than if you just told him in the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relevant.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEBjNv5M784

I love Brené Brown. Such a smart woman.

So, this still doesn't change my opinion that OP should not share this with her husband. Best friend, therapist, her mother, yes. Not her husband.

I strongly disagree. Do tell a therapist. Do NOT tell your friends or your mother if you are not going to tell your husband. They did nothing wrong, and making them complicit in keeping YOUR secret makes you a shitty friend in addition to the cheating making you a shitty wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here,

Having been in your husband's position, I have to say that the idea of not telling him disgusts me. The only thing that bothers me more than the act, was the fact that she concealed it for so long and put on a front like everything was fine. I could understand a mistake, but I couldn't understand deliberately concealing it. I can't completely accept the explanation that she was trying to protect my feelings, because I know that a large part of it was her trying to keep what she had. Once I found out, I was hurt by the action, but I was driven to a point of anger that I've never been before solely because the only thing on my mind was how she managed to smile in my face every single day and how believable it was. I couldn't be married to someone who could lie that well. I realized that I could never trust her again. I moved out, and filed for divorce as soon as the separation requirement was met.

It's been two years and I'm still messed up in the head/heart over it. I've tried counseling and I'm getting better, but I have a long way to go. Being aware of my own feelings, I can understand why you wouldn't want to hurt someone by revealing the truth. The problem is that you have to hold this for the rest of your life, and if he EVER finds out. You're gonna do more damage than if you just told him in the beginning.

Did your wife have an affair, or did she have sex one time with another man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here,

Having been in your husband's position, I have to say that the idea of not telling him disgusts me. The only thing that bothers me more than the act, was the fact that she concealed it for so long and put on a front like everything was fine. I could understand a mistake, but I couldn't understand deliberately concealing it. I can't completely accept the explanation that she was trying to protect my feelings, because I know that a large part of it was her trying to keep what she had. Once I found out, I was hurt by the action, but I was driven to a point of anger that I've never been before solely because the only thing on my mind was how she managed to smile in my face every single day and how believable it was. I couldn't be married to someone who could lie that well. I realized that I could never trust her again. I moved out, and filed for divorce as soon as the separation requirement was met.

It's been two years and I'm still messed up in the head/heart over it. I've tried counseling and I'm getting better, but I have a long way to go. Being aware of my own feelings, I can understand why you wouldn't want to hurt someone by revealing the truth. The problem is that you have to hold this for the rest of your life, and if he EVER finds out. You're gonna do more damage than if you just told him in the beginning.

^ excellent case for not telling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here,

Having been in your husband's position, I have to say that the idea of not telling him disgusts me. The only thing that bothers me more than the act, was the fact that she concealed it for so long and put on a front like everything was fine. I could understand a mistake, but I couldn't understand deliberately concealing it. I can't completely accept the explanation that she was trying to protect my feelings, because I know that a large part of it was her trying to keep what she had. Once I found out, I was hurt by the action, but I was driven to a point of anger that I've never been before solely because the only thing on my mind was how she managed to smile in my face every single day and how believable it was. I couldn't be married to someone who could lie that well. I realized that I could never trust her again. I moved out, and filed for divorce as soon as the separation requirement was met.

It's been two years and I'm still messed up in the head/heart over it. I've tried counseling and I'm getting better, but I have a long way to go. Being aware of my own feelings, I can understand why you wouldn't want to hurt someone by revealing the truth. The problem is that you have to hold this for the rest of your life, and if he EVER finds out. You're gonna do more damage than if you just told him in the beginning.

^ excellent case for not telling

+1. This is why you do not tell.

[Anonymous]

I used to travel a lot and these were my favorite; the supposed neglected woman. Get a few drinks in her and all you have to do is shut up & listen. She's away from everything for a while and suddenly she's back in college.
It makes for awkward mornings, but they scamper out quickly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Once I found out, I was hurt by the action, but I was driven to a point of anger that I've never been before solely because the only thing on my mind was how she managed to smile in my face every single day and how believable it was.

But HOW did you find out???

[Anonymous]

OP, dtf?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell. Do get tested and go talk to someone about why you did it. There are reasons why we do things. See if those reasons can be worked on.

Unfortunately stds can take a while to show on a test

[Anonymous]

DH here: if you were my DW I would want you to tell me. I would think I had a right to know and to make my own decision about whether or not the marriage should continue. This is obviously going to affect your marriage significantly whether you tell him or not, and leaving him in the dark about why just compounds the unfairness of the situation to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a man, and I'm leaning towards it being better if she doesn't tell, as long as she has a high degree of certainty that it won't come back to bite her.

But, you should be extra nice and grateful to your husband, who you now could lose, along with your marriage.

I think this is impractical. It is much more likely the guilt makes her treat her husband worse rather than better, and who knows what it is going to do to their sex life, I suspect it will significantly affect that part of their marriage as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man, and I'm leaning towards it being better if she doesn't tell, as long as she has a high degree of certainty that it won't come back to bite her.

But, you should be extra nice and grateful to your husband, who you now could lose, along with your marriage.

I think this is impractical. It is much more likely the guilt makes her treat her husband worse rather than better, and who knows what it is going to do to their sex life, I suspect it will significantly affect that part of their marriage as well.

Not my experience. Quite the opposite.

[Anonymous]

You wanted to fuck the other guy and in the end you don't really care for your husband. I hate it when people use alcohol as a crutch and blame "being really waisted" for their character flaws...For your husband's sake, I hope he finds out and leaves you slut!