OP, it sounds like you have pretty bad anxiety and are controlling and rigid as a result. I know because I have bad anxiety and it makes me controlling too. Treat your anxiety first and force yourself to take deep breaths and step away from the situation (literally or figuratively--you don't have to actually leave the room necessarily but just take a few deep breaths and ignore the plate for a few moments and think about if this is really important or worth getting into a fight or not) before making a comment.
You have to prioritize things in your life. What's more important? That a plate is not put on the couch/gets taken to the sink right away or that your family enjoys a nice, relaxing evening together? What's more important? That a plate is put away or that your husband and kids always feel on edge around you/in their own home because they know you get annoyed by little, stupid things all the time? |
OP's kids have the double whammy of genetic predisposition to anxiety and growing up in a tense and unhappy environment with this kind of modeling.
That you woke up angry is so telling. You were having a "rare" pizza/movie night (we do that weekly) and all you could think of was having a go at your husband, even 12 hours later. That is NOT normal behavior. Seek help. |
The sound of a ceramic plate hitting a glass table is like nails on a chalkboard. Team husband. |
I wonder how these responses would differ if DH was spending money without regard to anyone else in the family. (Remember, the issue isn't the one dish, its that OP carries 90% of the load on the home front in addition to a full time job.)
The concept of being a completely separate unattached, autonomous person dies when you say "i do." Yet when it comes to household/kid stuff more often that not the initial response is to just shut up and put up with whatever the other person's sloppy/lazy habits are. I find it so odd. If you want to stay completely autonomous, get a roommate. Don't get married, commit to building a life WITH another person, and have kids. |
I haven’t read all the comments yet, but in light of some I’ve read that are attacking OP as overeacting etc., I suggest they should read this article:
https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/04/marriage-problems-fight-dishes/629526/ (It might require registration but not subscription.) Marriages die over exactly these things, in a constellation over many years where it becomes clear that one partner is not willing to respect the other partner enough to do a simple thing that costs them nothing but means a very great deal to their partner because it is not only about consistent behavior modeling for the children, it is also about having consideration for the feelings of one’s partner and showing that their preferences matter. |
It’s not ok to chide your DH like he’s a child. Dial it back to how you talked and interacted when you first met. Be respectful and playful. |
He didn’t double down, you did. I’d divorce you. You sound high strung and causing arguments for nothing. |
DP. You should not have said anything at all. |
Lol. She probably tried than a million other times and first. The guy had an ego and control problem, and gets off on annoying her with krap habits and talking back. He’s probably been doing this since he was a kid. They should go to weekly counseling and walk through any examples that came up and why it’s big time disrespect or mind games or contempt. |
Huh? Are you trying to saw that when you live with a slob you end up having to be more vigilant and solo parent the kids more and solo pick up more stuff? |
You: Hey, can you put the plate in the sink? Him: later Dog: jumps on couch and plate to lick it clean and makes a bigger mess |
House rule to clear your sport yourself or not? Or do nothing and have mommy get everyone’s |
Correct. A relationship, partnership and household is only as functional as its most dysfunctional member. |
No, people (overwhelmingly women) kill their marriages over these things. They don't have enough consideration for their partners feelings and preferences to let things go, so they decide that their anger matters more than their families. I love my wife more than I love my pride, so I pick up the plates if its bothering me, and we have a happy marriage. |
Duh. Why would he write anything? He does whatever the F he wants. Including leaving his dirty pizza plates on the couch. |