Excluded dd

[Anonymous]

My dd was excluded from a bday party for a teammate. She found out through a girl on team who thought she was invited and asked what she’d wear. She is closer to the bday girl than this girl. Bday girl sits with her at lunch, sits next to her in class. Dd was in tears saying she doesn’t get what she did wrong. What do you tell your kid in a case like this? She’s not the type to always want to be invited but here it doesn’t make sense she would not be.

[Anonymous]

She didn't do anything wrong. Maybe it was a mistake, or maybe they had to draw the line at x number of people. This always happens where some kid gets left out and they feel bad but it's not personal. She probably just didn't make the cut of the top friends, which could have included other close friends/neighbors/relatives who know the birthday girl better. Their house/venue is only so large, can fit only a certain amount of people, and it costs money per person. It could be she is just perceived as a good classmate/teammate and not a super close personal friend and that's not necessarily bad. She should not put her eggs all in this one girl's basket. She can branch out by considering other people as potential friends who might also be on the fringe. It could be there is a clique and she wasn't aware until now she's not part of it, and that sucks but this kind of thing happens. She can form her own group of friends with this new found knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She didn't do anything wrong. Maybe it was a mistake, or maybe they had to draw the line at x number of people. This always happens where some kid gets left out and they feel bad but it's not personal. She probably just didn't make the cut of the top friends, which could have included other close friends/neighbors/relatives who know the birthday girl better. Their house/venue is only so large, can fit only a certain amount of people, and it costs money per person. It could be she is just perceived as a good classmate/teammate and not a super close personal friend and that's not necessarily bad. She should not put her eggs all in this one girl's basket. She can branch out by considering other people as potential friends who might also be on the fringe. It could be there is a clique and she wasn't aware until now she's not part of it, and that sucks but this kind of thing happens. She can form her own group of friends with this new found knowledge.

Sounds like OP dd closer than other teammate who was invited. Something is off here.

How were the invites issued OP? Is the lunch table large?

Is the girl's mom a social striver and the other teammate/mom provides a leg up?

[Anonymous]

What's wrong with the Birthday Girl? That's the approach ... not your DD thinking she did something wrong. Or if what you say is true, "Hey Bday Girl, I am invited to your party, right?!!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She didn't do anything wrong. Maybe it was a mistake, or maybe they had to draw the line at x number of people. This always happens where some kid gets left out and they feel bad but it's not personal. She probably just didn't make the cut of the top friends, which could have included other close friends/neighbors/relatives who know the birthday girl better. Their house/venue is only so large, can fit only a certain amount of people, and it costs money per person. It could be she is just perceived as a good classmate/teammate and not a super close personal friend and that's not necessarily bad. She should not put her eggs all in this one girl's basket. She can branch out by considering other people as potential friends who might also be on the fringe. It could be there is a clique and she wasn't aware until now she's not part of it, and that sucks but this kind of thing happens. She can form her own group of friends with this new found knowledge.

Sounds like OP dd closer than other teammate who was invited. Something is off here.

How were the invites issued OP? Is the lunch table large?

Is the girl's mom a social striver and the other teammate/mom provides a leg up?

Perhaps DD thought she was closer than the other teammate who was invited, but she isn't. Or perhaps the party is very small, and that particular teammate's mom is best friends with the birthday girl's mom. It could be anything, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with the Birthday Girl? That's the approach ... not your DD thinking she did something wrong. Or if what you say is true, "Hey Bday Girl, I am invited to your party, right?!!"

Don't have her do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's wrong with the Birthday Girl? That's the approach ... not your DD thinking she did something wrong. Or if what you say is true, "Hey Bday Girl, I am invited to your party, right?!!"

+1

[Anonymous]

How old are these girls? I think if they really do spend that much time together, and these girls are teens, it would be a learning experience to ask the birthday girl about it. Just say to say - hey, I heard about your birthday. I know not everyone can come in just wanted to check that you weren’t upset with me about something.

I’m sure some ppl are going to gasp at this and tell me it’s a bad idea but my daughters are 13 and 16 and they seem to be able to have convos like this with their friends and it’s helped them grow in emotional maturity. None have ended poorly. If under 13, most kids can’t handle it though

[Anonymous]

My dd former best friend didn’t include her in an event because she was trying to befriend someone else who was more popular and don’t want my dd there to get in the way. The former friend showed her true colors but it took several months before my dd was able to fully break away. She was upset and hasn’t fully gotten over it but is slowly making new friends

[Anonymous]

DD needs to realize that bday girl is an acquaintance but not a friend anymore. In middle school some kids just don't know how to wind down a friendship in a nice way, so they do it like this, with very pointed exclusion. Hopefully DD has other friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD needs to realize that bday girl is an acquaintance but not a friend anymore. In middle school some kids just don't know how to wind down a friendship in a nice way, so they do it like this, with very pointed exclusion. Hopefully DD has other friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD needs to realize that bday girl is an acquaintance but not a friend anymore. In middle school some kids just don't know how to wind down a friendship in a nice way, so they do it like this, with very pointed exclusion. Hopefully DD has other friends.

NP. That makes sense. I'm not sure why someone rolled their eyes.

[Anonymous]

A few possibilities...

It was an error (not sure how invitations went out)

Other girl is actually a closer friend to birthday girl in ways your DD isn't aware of

DDs feels that she is close friends to the birthday girl but birthday girl may not be aware your DD feels this way or may not see her as a close friend. No idea about birthday girls personality but some who are outgoing with lots of friends who are friendly to everyone (or most) can be unaware how intensely or personally those with few friends see their relationship.

Birthday girl has some other reason for not inviting DD - could be an innocent reason or anyone with malicious intent.

If they are tweens / early teens then I agree that it is common to talk about these things and to ask about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD needs to realize that bday girl is an acquaintance but not a friend anymore. In middle school some kids just don't know how to wind down a friendship in a nice way, so they do it like this, with very pointed exclusion. Hopefully DD has other friends.

NP. That makes sense. I'm not sure why someone rolled their eyes.

The PP is our resident bullies’ advocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD needs to realize that bday girl is an acquaintance but not a friend anymore. In middle school some kids just don't know how to wind down a friendship in a nice way, so they do it like this, with very pointed exclusion. Hopefully DD has other friends.

Why the eye roll? She actually seems 100% right.