Need guidance for child's invitations to Bar/Bat Mitzvahs

[Anonymous]

Hi All.

I was raised christian, and in adulthood do not practice a religion. My daughter has been invited to a bat mitzvah and I need advice on what is expected, what is appropriate, etc. If you wouldn't mind giving me a quick education or some advice I would so appreciate it.

The invitation is for a day long series of events, starting with the torah service at 10, followed by a kiddush lunch, and then an evening party that ends at 10:30 pm. My daughter is friends (through school) with this girl, but our families don't know each other.

My questions:
- Is it expected or assumed that my daughter would attend all events, only some?
- If attending the full day isn't an option, is it offensive to say that my daughter could only come to some portion of the events? (I am very concerned about inadvertently being offensively clueless.)
- Should I assume that a parent would be included in the invitation, or just my daughter?
- If my daughter attends the service and lunch (in addition to the party), what do I need to know about appropriate dress, what to expect, how to be respectful/appropriate during the events?
- Is there a customary gift?

I know my kids will receive several invitations like these and I am concerned that I respond appropriately and respectfully, that I am able to tell my kids what to expect and how to behave, and that I don't sound thoughtless or inappropriate with rsvps or questions.

Thanks for any advice you might offer, I am grateful to have a forum like this as a resource!

[Anonymous]

Child can go to whatever portion they want, just let parents know ahead of time what they’ll be attending.

For behavior tell her to pretend she’s in a library and not appear too bored.

Parents can go to the service and lunch but not the party.

Dress is shoulders covered something like this:

https://www.macys.com/shop/product/city-studios-juniors-ruffle-tier-fit-flare-dress?ID=12583971

Or sleeveless for party with jacket or sweater for service. Dress shoes for service, sneakers for party.

You may opt for one dress or different attire for the party depending on time.

Gifts are definitely not expected. Can give cash or a small present. $20/40 cash is plenty, some people do check in $18/$36. Either is perfectly fine.

Have fun!

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP on pretty much all points, except I think it needs to be pointed out that the service is the main event (the accomplishment or rite of passage if you will) and the party is just… a celebration of said accomplishment. It’s ok if you can only make it to the party and not the service (especially if it’s a legit conflict), but the service is what the kid has worked hard to prepare for.

Also, while you can accompany your kid to the service (any synagogue service is always open to visitors), your kid is the one invited to the party.

[Anonymous]

I think the earlier posters caught it all, but... definitely encourage attending the service. If there's a legit conflict, include that in the RSVP - otherwise it's like having dessert (the party!) without eating your vegetables

Service dress: depends on how traditional the venue is, but dress/skirt/pants - preferably not jeans, and not sleeveless. Ideally length to the knees, but my Jewish daughter violates that suggestion all the time.

Party: party clothing! depends on the venue and the kids. You can always ask, or your daughter can ask her friends. We honestly didn't care and some folks wore sneakers and jeans, but most wore fancier duds.

Gift: it's traditional to give a gift. If it's cash or a check, do what's comfortable (multiples of $18 are traditional for good luck. We usually do $108 for friends, sometimes $72... it's also fine to not do a gift if that's better for your family. Maybe do something small and definitely a card.

Hope it's fun and interesting for your daughter! And do feel free to join for the service too!

[Anonymous]

Oh - a few notes on service etiquette/behavior:

most synagogues will remind folks, but mobile phones off or in silent mode. Stand when you're asked to rise, and same for sitting.

Books are treated as being holy: so don't place a prayer book on the floor. If one does fall or get dropped, it's traditional to give it a 'kiss' - touch your hand to your lips and touch the book.

It's okay to whisper quietly, but try to listen and follow along.

During the introduction to the torah service, people will stand up and often reach out to touch their prayer books to the torah. don't feel like you need to do so. But... there's tradition to not turn your back to the torah, so people will often turn slowly to follow it as the torah is being marched around. Don't stress out about this - you can kind of just follow along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh - a few notes on service etiquette/behavior:

most synagogues will remind folks, but mobile phones off or in silent mode. Stand when you're asked to rise, and same for sitting.

Books are treated as being holy: so don't place a prayer book on the floor. If one does fall or get dropped, it's traditional to give it a 'kiss' - touch your hand to your lips and touch the book.

It's okay to whisper quietly, but try to listen and follow along.

During the introduction to the torah service, people will stand up and often reach out to touch their prayer books to the torah. don't feel like you need to do so. But... there's tradition to not turn your back to the torah, so people will often turn slowly to follow it as the torah is being marched around. Don't stress out about this - you can kind of just follow along.

And if she doesn’t feel comfortable with any of that tell her it’s always ok to go stand in the back or exit quietly to the lobby and meet up with friends after.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thank you all so much!

This is all so helpful and exactly what I needed.

I really appreciate you all taking the time to answer my questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh - a few notes on service etiquette/behavior:

most synagogues will remind folks, but mobile phones off or in silent mode. Stand when you're asked to rise, and same for sitting.

Books are treated as being holy: so don't place a prayer book on the floor. If one does fall or get dropped, it's traditional to give it a 'kiss' - touch your hand to your lips and touch the book.

It's okay to whisper quietly, but try to listen and follow along.

During the introduction to the torah service, people will stand up and often reach out to touch their prayer books to the torah. don't feel like you need to do so. But... there's tradition to not turn your back to the torah, so people will often turn slowly to follow it as the torah is being marched around. Don't stress out about this - you can kind of just follow along.

And if she doesn’t feel comfortable with any of that tell her it’s always ok to go stand in the back or exit quietly to the lobby and meet up with friends after.

She can just sit/ stand quietly and follow the crowd. I would encourage attending the service ( fine to skip the lunch) if going to the party- unless there's a legit conflict. That's the main event- like skipping the wedding ceremony and just coming to reception. Gifts are traditionally given- in denominations of 18, or from a kid to a kid could be something physical if you don't want to do cash- jewelry, these days I bet stuff from sephora, etc

[Anonymous]

Is it expected or assumed that my daughter would attend all events, only some? attend all events. she can leave the lunch and the party early, but not the service
- If attending the full day isn't an option, is it offensive to say that my daughter could only come to some portion of the events? (I am very concerned about inadvertently being offensively clueless.) It is a dick move to only attend the party and not attend the service. If you can only attend one thing, it should be the service.
- Should I assume that a parent would be included in the invitation, or just my daughter? absolutely not. whoever the invite is addressed to is exactly who is invited.
- If my daughter attends the service and lunch (in addition to the party), what do I need to know about appropriate dress, what to expect, how to be respectful/appropriate during the events? She can follow the lead of the best-behaved kids there, and she'll be fine. Her dress should cover her shoulder and ass (and then some, ideally) and not show any cleavage. any color is fine. surely she hasn't been raised in a barn and you've taught her how to be respectful when others are talking? she should do that.
- Is there a customary gift? yes, money.

[Anonymous]

It is expected to go to the service. That’s the actual bat mitzvah. Not the party. If dc can’t do it they can’t but it’s not really a pick and choose situation.

The kiddush after is optional because it’s just a nice way of giving people lunch. You don’t have to stay for it although it’s good food I usually!

Conservative dress for temple and anything goes depending on personal taste for party

If the invitation only has the child’s name on it then only they are invited. This is true of all events not just bat mitzvahs! If parents are invited, parents names are on invite.

Gifts can be anything and are personal to each family. If the kids aren’t close $36 is a good number. Gifts come in sets of $18. Although a lot of people land at $50. If the whole family is going then that sometimes indicates a closer connection which translates to more. $160/$270/$360/$500 etc.

You don’t have to give money. There are plenty of nice gifts to give someone if you’d rather.

[Anonymous]

The "actual bat mitzvah" is the person. "Bat" is Hebrew for "daughter".

You aren't expected to attend the service if it's not your religion, but you are welcome and aren't expected to chant any prayers or perform any rituals (except standing with the crowd to show respect, but you don't need to bow if you aren't chanting prayers).

The "vegetables" as a PP put it are for the Bat Mitzvah (the person)'s vegetables, and the party celebrates her, so go celebrate her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Is it expected or assumed that my daughter would attend all events, only some? attend all events. she can leave the lunch and the party early, but not the service
- If attending the full day isn't an option, is it offensive to say that my daughter could only come to some portion of the events? (I am very concerned about inadvertently being offensively clueless.) It is a dick move to only attend the party and not attend the service. If you can only attend one thing, it should be the service.
- Should I assume that a parent would be included in the invitation, or just my daughter? absolutely not. whoever the invite is addressed to is exactly who is invited.
- If my daughter attends the service and lunch (in addition to the party), what do I need to know about appropriate dress, what to expect, how to be respectful/appropriate during the events? She can follow the lead of the best-behaved kids there, and she'll be fine. Her dress should cover her shoulder and ass (and then some, ideally) and not show any cleavage. any color is fine. surely she hasn't been raised in a barn and you've taught her how to be respectful when others are talking? she should do that.
- Is there a customary gift? yes, money.

The OP showed a good deal more graciousness and courtesy in her questions than you did in your answers.

[Anonymous]

OP you’ve received great answers. I would just add that in our circle, parents are of course welcome at the service but would not be invited to the lunch unless parents of the closest friends. The lunches our friends have had have been seated with place cards so not something with a flexible headcount. I would just assume your daughter is the only one invited unless you hear otherwise? I’d also assume the parents would be happy to walk you through this and if she has conflicts, chat with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh - a few notes on service etiquette/behavior:

most synagogues will remind folks, but mobile phones off or in silent mode. Stand when you're asked to rise, and same for sitting.

Books are treated as being holy: so don't place a prayer book on the floor. If one does fall or get dropped, it's traditional to give it a 'kiss' - touch your hand to your lips and touch the book.

It's okay to whisper quietly, but try to listen and follow along.

During the introduction to the torah service, people will stand up and often reach out to touch their prayer books to the torah. don't feel like you need to do so. But... there's tradition to not turn your back to the torah, so people will often turn slowly to follow it as the torah is being marched around. Don't stress out about this - you can kind of just follow along.

A bar/bat mitzvah occurs during shabbat services. Depending on the synagogue, shabbat services can be long --up to 2.5-3 hrs. The service is divided into the 3 parts but they all just run into one another so its not obvious. Many jews will show up for part 2, the torah service, and skip part 1, the morning service. Its just a matter of knowing what time to show up at synagogue. It will decrease the time in synagogue by 30-45 min. What I'm saying is that it's ok to show up at 10am instead of 9:30. The mitzvah occurs during the torah service so that's when you want to be there. Then the torah service moves into part III. Most people don't leave at that point because it's only 30 min until lunch (kiddish)

The congregation stands when the ark is opened. It's respect for the torah. Services are long. If you have to use the restroom, the time to walk out of the sanctuary is not when the congregation is standing.

[Anonymous]

As a Christian who has been to some Jewish services, I will say it seems way more common and accepted for people to be coming and going during services than it is in church services. I was surprised by this.