Compassion fatigue

[Anonymous]

Taking care of both parents for almost 15 years, but at a distance (I would go on weekends). Dad died in 2020 then Mom moved in. I’m exhausted. My tank is empty. I hate sending her to assisted living, but I think my health, Mental and physical, is impacted. She doesn’t want to go, but I need a break. Siblings are not helping at all.

I hate that my parents had no plan. Hate that she just sits in my house all day. I’m so done.

[Anonymous]

Does she require you to care for her or is she just kind of there?

[Anonymous]

Kind of just there. Wanting my attention all day. I work from home.

[Anonymous]

Is there an adult day program you can drive her to?

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP, except it is my spouse I've cared for for 10 years, not a parent.

I wish there were social workers who could meet with the "loved ones" who aren't senile, just in need of care, to help move them to realizing how their change in needs is affecting those around them, and what they need to do to help others help them.

"What to Expect When You are Disabled/Elderly in Need of Care" kind of transition training.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kind of just there. Wanting my attention all day. I work from home.

I am sorry to hear it. Friends with elderly parent like this have found elderly “daycare” to be very helpful for this situation. I’m sorry I don’t have experience with any but it may be something to look into. And don’t present it as an option. “Mom I love you but I need some space in the house and while I work.”

[Anonymous]

Sadly, I can't talk her into daycare. I'm exhausted. I've been doing this too long and hate that I can't find the compassion anymore.

[Anonymous]

Your siblings need to know what's happening with you. Call them and let them know how you feel and ask for their input. Candidly tell them that it has become too much for you to solely care for her. Are they sharing any expenses?

[Anonymous]

Is there money to hire a part-time companion?

[Anonymous]

I hate sending her to assisted living

Why? My parents made new friends. It was a vibrant environment. I visited often, daily almost. They felt cared for. Don't think, necessarily, that you and you alone are the one and only answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, I can't talk her into daycare. I'm exhausted. I've been doing this too long and hate that I can't find the compassion anymore.

She sounds difficult. It's your house. Don't present it as a choice. If she doesn't want to follow your rules she can live in an AL facility. My mother is like this too. Boundaries are key.

[Anonymous]

I was in this position - I hired someone a few days a week and worked 'from home' from the public library. I also set up lunches with friends on those days. It helped.

Are you in Montgomery County by any chance? They have a respite care program that basically gives you 4 hrs a week, free (regardless of income).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, I can't talk her into daycare. I'm exhausted. I've been doing this too long and hate that I can't find the compassion anymore.

Why do you have to talk her into it?

[Anonymous]

Does she need assisted living or could she do independent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in this position - I hired someone a few days a week and worked 'from home' from the public library. I also set up lunches with friends on those days. It helped.

Are you in Montgomery County by any chance? They have a respite care program that basically gives you 4 hrs a week, free (regardless of income).

Wow, would love to know more about this. NP, mom is on Medicaid but I haven't been able to find support for care for her. The waitlist for caregiver support through the county was extremely long when I called a few years ago.