Why do I let “crazy” get to me?

[Anonymous]

I know that there’s no point ruminating - that it’s not about me and that I didn’t do anything wrong. But I have the hardest time fighting all the bad feelings that are triggered, like shame, defensiveness, and embarrassment. I know it comes from having an emotional unstable mother and I’ve done therapy, but I still get triggered. I can do some meditation to let it go. Any other thoughts about how to get past it?

(The triggering incident is silly, but I’ll probably be asked. I’ve been working on a volunteer project since the beginning of the year, which is supposed to wrap up in a few weeks. I messaged the leader that I would miss a meeting because of travel, which should have been no problem - we really don’t need to be present every week. I didn’t hear back, but noticed that I hadn’t received any emails about the project for a while. When I message to confirm the next meeting, the leader responded with a really curt message that due to my “lack of response” she had “requested a replacement” of me. But “no worries” because it was the end of the project. I have no idea what she’s talking about - there was nothing that I failed to respond to. And if there was, shouldn’t she at least communicate once about it before replacing me? And since it’s the end of the project, she didn’t actually need to ask the coordinator for a replacement of me - if she actually did this, that seems like she was trying to smear my reputation rather than just get the help that she needs. Her words/actions seem aggressive, not “no worries.” To make this even more bizarre, we had wrapped up the first phase of the project five weeks ago, and she specifically invited me to continue working on the second part. So this can’t be about my performance or personality, because she had the chance to work with me for several months and asked me to continue. It’s all very weird, kinda mean girl, and out of the blue.)

[Anonymous]

You want to control the narrative. You can’t do it bothers you.

You need to be confident enough in who
You are not to worry about a few stray erroneous narratives.

[Anonymous]

You’re over-explaining. You’re over-thinking. You want to make sense of everything, and control everything, but you can’t.

The anxiety you have has roots, but it also has branches that you have allowed to grow, unchecked. Time for therapy and medication for your anxiety. I know it’s hard. Good luck. But there is a lot of freedom and joy in letting go of the past or the things you can’t control that bother you now. You can gain confidence and self-worth.

[Anonymous]

This is very similar to what happened to me recently with a coworker. All my feelings of shame were triggered by her. The only thing that worked was telling myself over and over, I will not waste energy on her. This was a month ago and I learned that other people have had issues with that same coworker. You should be confident that the trash always takes itself out.

[Anonymous]

Because you’ve “done therapy” doesn’t mean you’re done with therapy.

That said, feelings aren’t facts. I often have to tell myself this. You don’t get to choose someone else’s behaviour, but you do get to reflect on your own reactions. Were you actually being shamed, or did you just feel shamed? You also have a voice and if someone is saying information that isn’t true, you have the ability to change that story. It may or not be worth your time and effort, but you get to decide that, not them.

Also, no one can make you feel what you are not willing to feel. Yes, there are times when we’ve done something awful that we should feel shame or regret, or whatever, but there are times that is not the story and we should not feel those things. You don’t have to feel that way. Give yourself permission to decide the true story and feel accordingly.

[Anonymous]

I would be upset as well. I enjoy a volunteer role that I have and it gives me pleasure not only to work at it but see the benefits from that work.
I would contact the coordinator and clarify whether my services are no longer needed.

[Anonymous]

OP. I've just decides that so many people fake their lives online that they now feel free to do it in real life. It's sad but you can't fix people like this. When you have a talent and willingness to work and honestly and humility, you will always find a way to find purpose.

[Anonymous]

So, I get your feelings and reactions OP. What did you choose to do? What action did you take? You could reach out to her, express disappointment, confusion, have her explain her though processes and her own reactions as to why she did what she did, and then both of you agree on a way forward should the same situation arise. I feel like if you sit with these feelings unaddressed, without agency, you are still operating in a place of shame/devaluing yourself.

[Anonymous]

That would upset me too, OP! I don't think it's a minor event. There must have been a miscommunication. I would pick up the phone and hash it out.

[Anonymous]

Stop blaming shyt on your mother.

[Anonymous]

I would also suggest reaching out by phone, OP. Take it out of the realm of written comms and try to get a sense of what is going on. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want to control the narrative. You can’t do it bothers you.

You need to be confident enough in who
You are not to worry about a few stray erroneous narratives.

You just described a lot of my life. I have worried about what psychopaths and other bad people had to say about me instead of being confident in myself. And that's all due to my upbringing.

I want to be different and don't know how.

NP

[Anonymous]

Plse Look up the author James Earley, he manages to explain how there are all these parts to ourselves protecting us and also causing issues.

[Anonymous]

If 'lack of response' is not accurate, I think I'd have to reply back about that. Whether paid or volunteer- my profession and reputation are everything. I'd just send back a simple 'glad the project is going/went well. Please let me know dates for what coms I missed because I only know of the one meeting I advised you I could not make. I'd hate to find out I missed emails from you! Take care'.

It leaves the ball in her court to communicate but it doesn't leave it unchecked as far as her accusations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If 'lack of response' is not accurate, I think I'd have to reply back about that. Whether paid or volunteer- my profession and reputation are everything. I'd just send back a simple 'glad the project is going/went well. Please let me know dates for what coms I missed because I only know of the one meeting I advised you I could not make. I'd hate to find out I missed emails from you! Take care'.

It leaves the ball in her court to communicate but it doesn't leave it unchecked as far as her accusations.

+1