Pregnancy after IVF, infertility, or loss …are you happy?

[Anonymous]

I was wondering if anyone can speak to whether you experienced joy after finally getting pregnant? Do you think having a difficult journey has impacted your parenting?

I feel like we may finally be close to our goal, but now find it frustrating when I hear nothing positive from others who are finally pregnant after fertility treatment. I hear a lot about anxiety, being afraid to buy anything, never celebrating because they feel guilty or apologetic. It upsets me because after all this time I hope to enjoy pregnancy not exclusively fret and apologize. Anyone lean into a happy pregnancy?

[Anonymous]

I think I had all the emotions. Happy, joyful, excited, anxious, fear- all at once.

I definitely envied the women who were blissfully happy and seemingly unaware of any potential bad outcome, but that was never going to be me.

I look back now with fondness of my children’s pregnancies; they all love to hear stories of what I was doing and what they were like in the womb. And they are all intensely interested in their birth stories.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t really believe it until I had a healthy baby in my arms. The only retreat about that perspective is that I barely have any pics of me pregnant and we are one and done. But you do what you have to to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

I absolutely know that the birth of a child will not erase the 6 babies before him and the 3 years of being absolutely gutted, feeling betrayed by physicians and the toll on my body. It just won't. I will, however, feel content to move on with my life, heal and get better.

I'm only at week 5 on a really arduous protocol to attempt to stay pregnant this time. So I have no idea if this will work out until baby is in arms. So, no, I won't be celebrating this pregnancy at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I had all the emotions. Happy, joyful, excited, anxious, fear- all at once.

I definitely envied the women who were blissfully happy and seemingly unaware of any potential bad outcome, but that was never going to be me.

I look back now with fondness of my children’s pregnancies; they all love to hear stories of what I was doing and what they were like in the womb. And they are all intensely interested in their birth stories.

This resonates with me. I knew the pregnancies were precious and things could go wrong. I also really enjoyed being pregnant - it was amazing to know there was a baby growing in there after this long journey. I was anxious but also very happy if that makes sense. I had some minor issues during pregnancy that kept me on my toes and a NICU baby. Feeling like "am I out of the woods yet" goes on for a long time. But I loved my maternity leaves and the infant stage. I would say the infertility, miscarriage etc journey/history is part of you and never goes away but it did not overwhelm everything all the time. I look back on the pregnancy and baby stages (now in the past for me) in a very positive way.

[Anonymous]

Me! I was so happy and loved my funny proportions and big belly cuteness. I absolutely leaned into it - knowing how bad stress is for Baby when you’re pregnant, I had a reason to actively work on keeping things as stress-free and be as happy and positive as I could. DH really supported me in that.

Truly I think that when people know you’re going through fertility treatment, they don’t talk about joyful pregnancies or beyond because they are trying to be sensitive to your pain, hopes, dreams- the fact that you may have losses that they don’t know about. Even I’m finding myself being careful here not to gush too much about our little family etc, to try to be sensitive to you. I did not feel this way personally but I had a friend who also went through fertility treatments and basically had to decline all baby shower invites after a certain point because it was too painful for her to attend them.

[Anonymous]

My first IVF pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 15 weeks. My second IVF was more than a year later. I was scared and feared it would happen again. I didn’t tell anyone about the pregnancy till I was 6 months and showing. I finally felt a little better, less anxious. But, I finally felt joy after he popped out and cried really loud. I did feel anxious and fear and apprehension. I think it’s normal after all we had been through. Talk to someone. My OB was very compassionate and helpful.

[Anonymous]

I was anxious but happy while pregnant with my rainbow baby. After she was born, I was so happy and so grateful I took the line “you can’t spoil a baby” too seriously and didn’t take care of myself. Basically, I held her 24/7, co-slept, played with her constantly…all lovely, but exhausting, and she didn’t learn to self-soothe. When she turned 1, screamed “No!” and threw her food on the floor, I realized I needed to set some boundaries. So, my previous loss made my more indulgent during her infancy, but otherwise, I think I’m a normal parent.

[Anonymous]

If I ever have another child after secondary infertility and the development of health conditions, I will be considered high-risk. I enjoyed my first pregnancies greatly, but this one will be different, and I'll worry a lot.

However, OP, a worried pregnancy is still better than none at all.

[Anonymous]

I'll be 19 weeks on Wednesday and I am so happy and grateful our first transfer worked and our trauma is different - severe MFI. But its still there. I also don't trust my body and I am constantly fearful that I'll do something to harm baby girl. This pregnancy hasn't been without hiccups - Gestational diabetes, inconclusive scans... which all add to th everyday anxiety.

I'm so afraid to "mess" it up. I envy friends who have gotten pregnant naturally and are #2 and just blissful. Few Dr appts and enjoying pregnancy. Not afraid of food or diet restrictions.

I'll never eat sushi, or a sandwich or a sip of champagne and I envy those with the nonchalant attitude of it doesn't matter. Because to me everything matters.

We've slowly been accumulating things for baby. Mainly because we want a lot second hand and when it comes up in good shape we feel like we might as well. But clothes from relatives all have tags on still.

We bought a stroller yesterday because they had a deal buy one, get a travel stroller for free. And I asked the sales rep what the return policy was if something happened to the baby. Really brought the mood down. But this is what's playing in my head 24/7.

I know it doesn't have to be this way. I'm personally not comfortable getting on anxiety meds right now but will have them at the ready for once baby is here.

Despite all that. I love talking to her. Nothing big but now that I have to eat 6x a day I home I need to feed the baby a snack or tell her I hope she enjoys tacos or whatever I'm eating.

I can't wait to feel her even though I know block counting will drive me insane.

We really are thrilled. I see my partner in a different light. Neither of us thought this day would come and I am starting to really see him as a dad and I know it's only the very beginning. But it's sweet to know he's going to be a fantastic dad and baby girl is really lucky. Same with my in laws.

Lots of anxiety. Lots of fear. But also so much love for this little peanut already. So much it's terrifying.

[Anonymous]

I'm PP ^ I will also say there was immense joy right after the transfer worked. We found out Christmas am. And while we planned to not say anything until 12 weeks we were overwhelmed with joy and relief. We told our family and close friends. And we were able to share that and that will always be special to me. No matter what happens.

Waking up early Christmas am and testing and being able to put that under the tree for my DH was really joyful. And I don't take for granted all the ways that could have gone.

[Anonymous]

No, I never learned to experience joy or happiness when pregnant.

It turned out to be good judgment because ultimately I miscarried every time was never able to carry to term.

[Anonymous]

After secondary infertility and 3 miscarriages, I was very happy when I finally got another pregnancy to stick. But it wasn’t like the first one. It was much more medicalized - immune therapy, lovenox shots, multiple other meds, seeing a separate specialist along with high risk OB. First pregnancy was just a midwife etc. the pregnancy itself was also harder in some ways, I had morning sickness clear until week 24 and it sucked. Plus running around after a 2.5 year old. But it was good. It was more complicated than the first and always a fear of what could happen, but it was good. Around 37 weeks I relaxed and let myself enjoy the last two weeks until induction.

Baby was also harder than the first kid which I truly didn’t think was possible. But it was ok. Now they are both elementary schoolers and I rarely think about those times except to occasionally reflect how lucky we were to have a second kid.

[Anonymous]

We held our breath until the baby was home with us.

I think it's sort of PTSD-like. We are over a decade removed from that time but we still pinch ourselves with happiness (can you believe we have a kid

[Anonymous]

Do not focus on other people’s experiences. You do you, op. I was anxious in my first pregnancy, after two and a half years of infertility. It took me a few days to bond with my ds because I was so freaked out and still detached after birth. That all passed and I naturally fell in love with ds.

When I miraculously got pg a second time, I was determined to lean into it. I intentionally let go of my anxiety and just enjoyed every day.

You determine your response to the situation.