Anyone else confused and slightly angry at their own parents?

[Anonymous]

I'm 3 months pregnant with my first. This is obviously really exciting and scary, but I'm still trying to reconcile my own childhood and figure out what type of parent I'll be. I was wondering if anyone here is in the same boat as me and are a bit confused and maybe even angry at their own parents.

My parents are classic Korean immigrant parents who came to the US for a better life for me and my sister. Obviously, they loved me, but they had a hard time showing affection or empathy for me when I did something that they didn't want me to do. I was regularly beaten and hit as punishment (this was in the 90s/early 2000s, so "gentle parenting" wasn't a thing), and I remember crying a lot as a kid because my parents (especially my dad) would beat me. My mom would always respond with this Korean phrase that means (when roughly translated to English) "I wouldn't hit you if I didn't care about you so much."

That was how my parents (especially my dad) expressed his "care" for me. He would always tell me that discipline (which in his mind, usually was some form of hitting or beating or physical punishment) is how he cares about me. I always complained about how my white American friends from school were never beaten as punishment, but my parents always told me that it was because their parents didn't care enough about them to discipline them. They also told me that white parents use much more psychologically manipulative ways to punish their kids (not giving them boundaries, being too lenient, etc.) which would be much worse for them in the long run than beating their kids.

A few other things about my childhood strike me as odd. For one, my dad was really obsessed with the idea of me becoming a great softball player (which is not a normal dream that Korean dads have of their kids). This is despite the fact that I'm extremely uncoordinated and definitely don't have the temperament for competitive team sports. For 10 years of my life (basically from when I was 7 to 17), my dad forced me to play softball. He frequently beat me when I complained about going to practices and games as I hated the sport more and more as I got older, and I tried to refused to play in high school (he eventually got me to play on my high school team as a benchwarmer by screaming at me for hours on end and hitting me with softballs very hard to the point that I started bruising). I was only able to quit softball when my mom threatened to divorce my dad if he forced me to play my senior year of high school.

My dad, like many Korean dads, was also obsessed with me becoming a math genius. This is despite the fact that I am really, really bad at math (like most lawyers). In high school, almost every night was filled with the stereotypical immigrant "midnight math at the dinner table" tutoring sessions. In these tutoring sessions, my dad (PhD in Engineering) would frequently yell at me and berate me when I got a question wrong, and he would regularly insult my intelligence if I got anything less than an A on a test or didn't understand a math concept when he was tutoring me. I remember both my mom and my dad telling me that my dad wouldn't frequently yell at me like this if he didn't "believe that I could meet his high expectations" and "had high hopes for me" and "really cared about my success."

I also remember a couple times in my childhood and adolescence when my dad's beatings would get so severe that my mom tried to intervene, and my dad ended up hitting my mom in the process. When I was in college, I brought these instances up to my mom as proof that my dad was abusive. My mom (like most Korean immigrant moms) instantly dismissed me and told me to "get over it" and that "I've already forgiven your dad for the few handful of times that he has hit me, and you need to as well."

I have never been in therapy before, but I'm wondering if I need to in order to be an effective parent for my first-born (and hopefully future) kids. I'm confused and slightly angry at my parents for showing me that yelling and hitting are effective ways to show discipline and love for your kid, and I'm confused as to whether or not my childhood was really abusive. But that's besides the point, as my childhood is over and ruminating over it is excessive navel-gazing. Would I really need therapy to be an effective parent myself? Anyone else in this situation?

[Anonymous]

That does sound like abuse to me. A therapist can help you sort out your thoughts on this.

[Anonymous]

What your dad did was abusive, and what your mom did (letting him) was neglectful. I'm a white American, with a bunch of East Asian friends from various countries (Korea, Japan, Thailand, China) and what you're saying sounds somewhat normal for first generation kids. (You only didn't mention that they never showed physical affection.)

Therapy would help. Try to find an Asian therapist - I think you will give more weight to their opinion than you would to a white American. For whatever this is worth, having the same situations with my kids come up and handling them differently than my parents did with me has felt VERY healing. Everything from deciding it's totally okay for me to help my kids clean their bedrooms rather than ground them and fine them each time their room is messy, to apologizing to them when I've screwed up.

[Anonymous]

Agree with therapy. For those of us who grew up in abusive situations, it can be really destabilizing becoming a parent. It’s so hard to wrap my head around why my parents did what they did to me- I am not a perfect parent, no one is, but I have never ever hit my kids.

It’s also been weird for me seeing my parents as grandparents, wanting to protect my kids from them while still allowing them to get the benefit of loving relationships.

Lastly, it’s really hard dealing with my mother’s passive aggressive judgment of how I’m raising my children differently than she raised me.

So…yes, definitely encourage therapy, it’s helped me greatly, although I’m not “healed” nor will ever be fully healed. My oldest kid is ten and I broke down tonight talking with my husband about how obviously my mother played favorites (in cruel ways) and how I can’t imagine doing that to my kids. It’s hard.

[Anonymous]

Agree with therapy particularly from an Asian (ideally Korean if you can find one you like) therapist. To be honest your description of your childhood sounds like abuse to me but you’ll want a therapist who has some idea of the cultural baggage you and your parents are carrying probably.

[Anonymous]

I agree that therapy would help and it is normal to have these concerns. I’m sorry to hear your story.

My parents were raised by parents from
The south so they believed in physical discipline that i believe sometimes crossed the line into abuse - using leather belts or branches from a tree for spankings. Sometimes my mom left marks on me from the belts. They believe that it wAs no big deal and I was over sensitive. I decided at a young age that I would never ever spank or hit my children , and I’ve stuck with it (I have a 9 year old). One hard thing as a parent has been their criticism about my choices, and being negatively judged for being “too lax” and supposedly “not understanding that children need spankings .” But I’m confident in my choices and don’t want my child to ever feel like I did while or after being hit.

I also had to be vigilant and not allow them to ever be alone with my child after she was old enough for them to believe spanking was appropriate. It made visits to them exhausting because I was always on guard and could never relax while she was awake.

And of course they think I am the crazy one and that they did what was best.

[Anonymous]

You can break the cycle OP. You recognize what was wrong with your childhood and don’t need to continue the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Your parents were doing the best they could in the circumstances they were in. They were probably scared, lonely and didn’t have the support they would back home. They also probably wanted a better life for you than the one they had back home which was probably unimaginably difficult (otherwise why immigrate). They mistakenly thought that being harsh with you would protect you. I agree with seeing a therapist, preferably an Asian or an immigrant with some cultural awareness. You do not have to repeat the same pattern again with your own kids. You can break the cycle. You’ve already gone through the first step.

[Anonymous]

I highly encourage therapy, especially during your first pregnancy. The first pregnancy is filled with tons of anxiety already so it helps to have someone you meet with regularly and establish with before you have the baby. If

[Anonymous]

Agree with therapy. I had an abusive childhood and thought I was totally fine until I was a parent. I will say it will only continues as your kid ages because it becomes more and more confusing when you look at your own child and cannot fathom acting in the same way you were raised. I feel like every life stage my kids go through I end up going through the same realization again.

I have also ended up forgiving the younger version of myself for a lot of things. Looking at her through the lens of my own daughter really helps to illustrate that it wasn't me that was at fault in these situations.

But go to therapy, it really does help if you find an effective therapist to help you work through it all.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Your father was abusive, and your mother, like many mothers of that era, probably could not imagine a divorce and was stuck rationalizing his violence. Perhaps she had abusive parents too.

Many of us had abusive parents, to a greater or lesser degree. The mantra we repeat to ourselves is:
"I do not want to make my parents' mistakes".
Also:
"I don't want to swing the pendulum too far the other way!".
Because that too, is a risk for adults who have suffered from parental abuse. There will be times you'll need to push your kids. There will be times you can be lenient. You will always be loving.

Please don't swirl into Poor Me territory, it's not useful for you or your child. Think about it in a constructive way: instead of being a thoughtless parent, you come at this deliberately with an informed perspective.

I think seeking distance from an abusive father is entirely reasonable. You don't owe him a thing. If he needs you in his old age, you don't need to help him out, at all!!! You can definitely talk about this with a therapist, and you can, one day, tell your father that what he did was abuse that would be illegal today - police could be called and he'd be charged with child abuse. You can tell them you don't want them to meet your children, and don't want contact with them, and follow through.

But please understand that they might never apologize or acknowledge that what they did was wrong. Don't expect that. Abusive parents rarely express remorse.

You're going to be a great mother, OP! Congratulations.

[Anonymous]

Yes, that's abuse. I'm very sorry you went through that and are still going through it. Therapy is a good idea.

Also, I can't recommend this book enough: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

It is the best thing I've read on this subject that has been particularly helpful for me to understand my own childhood and relationship with my parents, and set new patterns for my relationship with my child.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and best of luck to you. You are not alone in dealing with this, and it's absolutely possible to start over as a parent, even if you didn't have good role models. It is challenge but healing too -- giving my own child a loving, nurturing childhood and maintaining a respectful, kind, and loving relationship with her has helped me to undo much of the damage from my own abusive and neglectful upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Go seek therapy just for yourself. You need to heal your "inner child" who deserved better. I know that sounds very hippy dippy, but as another Asian American immigrant child, I know a bit about how your life went. Going into therapy allowed me to objectively observe how I was raised. I see there was love and effort, but that they dropped the ball on a lot of things. I'm older now and can view them very objectively and it has been better for my mental health.

This will ultimately be good for your relationship with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents were doing the best they could in the circumstances they were in. They were probably scared, lonely and didn’t have the support they would back home. They also probably wanted a better life for you than the one they had back home which was probably unimaginably difficult (otherwise why immigrate). They mistakenly thought that being harsh with you would protect you. I agree with seeing a therapist, preferably an Asian or an immigrant with some cultural awareness. You do not have to repeat the same pattern again with your own kids. You can break the cycle. You’ve already gone through the first step.

I've already posted on this thread and wanted to respond to your first line. I also rationalized my parents like this for the longest time until I realized as I was much older and had done some work though therapy that amongst the immigrant families that we grew up with, my family was the worst. I no longer make excuses for them. I don't condemn them because I have tended to my own needs by acknowledging what I as a child deserved and was missing, but I'm not making excuses for them anymore and it has been very freeing.

[Anonymous]

I think therapy sounds like a great idea and you sound like you will be a kind and thoughtful mom.