Raised Catholic and unsure if/how to pass those traditions to my kids

[Anonymous]

I was raised Roman Catholic and am struggling with if/how I want to raise my future children when it comes to the church. I left the church halfway through college and my siblings and parents have all left as well. My parents (who went to catholic school with nuns as teachers, made us go to CCD, midnight mass, Easter vigil, give things up for Lent, etc.) are now very vocally critical of the church. I share all their concerns...but I still feel this nostalgia for the whole thing. I don't know how else to explain it.

It makes me sad to imagine my future kids not being baptized, lighting Advent candles, going to fish fries during Lent, having first holy communions. Being Catholic was just such a big part of my family culture and was for generations. It feels weird to just stop that. The only family traditions that my family of origin has are all related to Catholicism in some way. Without those things I feel like I won't have any traditions that tie me and my children to our ancestors.

I do go to mass by myself very occasionally just to feel close to my deceased grandparents who were devout. I always leave feeling very melancholy, like I'm an interloper who shouldn't be there and is disrespecting people who are there for the "right" reasons. I don't know if that would get better or worse if I brought my kids. My actual faith is probably best described as agnostic but with a love of rituals?

Does anyone have any advice? Similar experience?
Please know that I mean no disrespect to any practicing Catholics. I'm posting with genuine sadness and conflict in my heart.

[Anonymous]

Similar except my family has stayed Catholic - including my lesbian sister who had her kids baptized in the church. It's just a huge part of who we are.

I say a couple of things about it - first, I'm clinging on to Catholicism by my fingernails (mostly related to awful abuse and scandals). And second, I'm not going to let the bastards kick me out (referring to the loony right wingers).

I'm more of a change from the inside person. The church has some changing to do. The lack of priests is just going to force some sort of reckoning, I have to believe. Demographics are tough.

[Anonymous]

I still practice, as does most of my family, but we are certainly more culturally Catholic. DH ‘left’ the church so we had many conversations about this early on. Together we decided to go through the early sacraments. We do often discuss with DC how we differ in our opinions, esp now the DC are older.

The reasons DH agreed after the discussion was that so many of our moral beliefs were aligned with the church and that it created a basis for DC. And that he still leaned on many tenants he learned through his Catholic formation.

This is not to say that you need religion or certainly Catholic religion for any of this, but is an easier way perhaps.

[Anonymous]

I was raised Roman Catholic as well and have a lot of issues with the Catholic church. Have you thought about other areas of Christianity?

[Anonymous]

Have you considered reevaluating your relationship with the church? You said you left during college. That was a long time ago, and usually our worldviews are very different during college years. If you feel a connection to Catholicism, for whatever reason, I think you owe it to your family and kids to try to evaluate the church with fresh eyes.

[Anonymous]

I understand you 100% and I appreciate the comments so far.

I think about this a lot, and I think one of the differences between our generation and our parents' is that we were generally raised to believe that if we ever disagreed or sinned, we were going to hell. I would never, EVER tell my kids that. And to a certain extent, the church has changed a lot on that count. My kids went to a Catholic school that absolutely encouraged free thought, tough conversations, openness to all. I wouldn't have sent them there if they were rigid and close-minded.

The ties to your parents and grandparents are REAL -- I feel the same. So I'm trying to teach my kids, "This is who we are ... it's our heritage, our culture. You don't HAVE to believe everything I believe. But I'd like you to come to church sometimes and keep an open mind about all of it."

My kids were all baptized and got their first communion. We didn't confirm them, though -- figured that's where our "decide for yourself" philosophy could kick in. They never got any pushback at school, although it did come up once in a while.

[Anonymous]

I hear what you are saying OP, but Catholicism is not a pick and choose religion. You're either all in or you're not and if you're not, I suggest trying one of the other Christian religions. And for the person calling us "right wing nutters", we (the right wing nutters) are adhering to the catechism of the Catholic church and fully engaged in all of the sacraments, including confession. Remember, Jesus dined with sinners, but he also told them to "turn away from sin and return to the Gospel".

[Anonymous]

I can definitely relate. I went to 19 years of Catholic school, two bishops were at my grandmother's funeral, two aunts are nuns.... all of which is to say my family culture is heavily Catholic. And almost all of that culture and experience has been positive! I loved my Catholic schools, have huge respect for most of the nuns I know, and very much appreciate the beauty and rituals of mass.

But when I had kids I just wasn't comfortable sending them to CCD... it was really hard to work through things, but when my oldest was in 2nd grade I felt like I had to "put up or shut up" so to speak
So we spent several months going to lots of different churches - just showing up somewhere on a Sunday morning. I wasn't looking for a new church, per se, but wanted to at least explore other ways to live faithfully. We ended up joining a wonderful Episcopalian parish. Many of the same rituals, virtually the same service, and a wonderful, inclusive, welcoming culture and community that embraced us.

I'm not saying you should become Episcopalian (although that might be a good option!) but that it might be worth taking a few months just to explore your faith in different settings - different religions and even just different Catholic parishes. As Catholics we're so conditioned to just go to the parish in which we live, that taking some time to be more intentional with selecting your faith community was really really beneficial for our family.

[Anonymous]

The pull you are feeling probably has something to do with comfort if traditions and ritual and connection to your family heritage.

But it could also be a thirst to know God. Don’t ignore that one.

Church itself (whether Catholic Protestant) is not to be worshipped because church in terms of a gathering/assembling of people of like-faith is a flawed group of sinful humans who will ALWAYS fall short. You are right to be skeptical and check yourself if you start to feel that being a part of any religion means accepting that any leader or parishioner in that faith is above reproach.
None of us is free from sin. And that’s why we accept the gift of salvation from Jesus Christ.

Grab into that and teach your children that He is God in the form of man…and is our holy example. Maybe start by reading the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) with your children and let that lead you into how much it little you want to attend church.

As a Christian parent, the most important significant thing to pass on to your kids isn’t love of CHURCH. It is love of God and relationship with Jesus Christ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear what you are saying OP, but Catholicism is not a pick and choose religion. You're either all in or you're not and if you're not, I suggest trying one of the other Christian religions. And for the person calling us "right wing nutters", we (the right wing nutters) are adhering to the catechism of the Catholic church and fully engaged in all of the sacraments, including confession. Remember, Jesus dined with sinners, but he also told them to "turn away from sin and return to the Gospel".

No you are RW nutters who want to push your agenda on the rest of us.

OP either you want to support the Catholic doctrine ie Church's stance on everything, or not. There is no in-between.

As of right now it is a free country and you can do as you wish.

Not sure why you want to raise you children in something that automatically says they were born in sin. But hey you do you like I said free country.

NP—but if this is a genuine question, I’m happy to answer that:
It’s because God is real, the truth is important, and I care about my children’s salvation enough to point them to grace through Jesus Christ—who said “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear what you are saying OP, but Catholicism is not a pick and choose religion. You're either all in or you're not and if you're not, I suggest trying one of the other Christian religions. And for the person calling us "right wing nutters", we (the right wing nutters) are adhering to the catechism of the Catholic church and fully engaged in all of the sacraments, including confession. Remember, Jesus dined with sinners, but he also told them to "turn away from sin and return to the Gospel".

There are plenty of cafeteria Catholics. It's not this all in or all out as some of you are pretending to dissuade people from Catholicism. Skepticism is normal and there are plenty of books you can read about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear what you are saying OP, but Catholicism is not a pick and choose religion. You're either all in or you're not and if you're not, I suggest trying one of the other Christian religions. And for the person calling us "right wing nutters", we (the right wing nutters) are adhering to the catechism of the Catholic church and fully engaged in all of the sacraments, including confession. Remember, Jesus dined with sinners, but he also told them to "turn away from sin and return to the Gospel".

Catholicism actually is very much “pick and choose” because that is what actual Catholics do. OP can go to church, take communion, and get her kids the sacraments. The Church does not kick people out for skipping mass or sinning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was raised Roman Catholic and am struggling with if/how I want to raise my future children when it comes to the church. I left the church halfway through college and my siblings and parents have all left as well. My parents (who went to catholic school with nuns as teachers, made us go to CCD, midnight mass, Easter vigil, give things up for Lent, etc.) are now very vocally critical of the church. I share all their concerns...but I still feel this nostalgia for the whole thing. I don't know how else to explain it.

It makes me sad to imagine my future kids not being baptized, lighting Advent candles, going to fish fries during Lent, having first holy communions. Being Catholic was just such a big part of my family culture and was for generations. It feels weird to just stop that. The only family traditions that my family of origin has are all related to Catholicism in some way. Without those things I feel like I won't have any traditions that tie me and my children to our ancestors.

I do go to mass by myself very occasionally just to feel close to my deceased grandparents who were devout. I always leave feeling very melancholy, like I'm an interloper who shouldn't be there and is disrespecting people who are there for the "right" reasons. I don't know if that would get better or worse if I brought my kids. My actual faith is probably best described as agnostic but with a love of rituals?n

Does anyone have any advice? Similar experience?
Please know that I mean no disrespect to any practicing Catholics. I'm posting with genuine sadness and conflict in my heart.

If this is the case, OP, then respectfully, it kind of doesn’t matter where you land on this because whether you attend or don’t attend a church “for the rituals” has absolutely no impact whatsoever, and will have as much meaning as whether or not you attend an opera or a play on a Saturday night.
Essentially, if it has no *spiritual* meaning to you, but you miss the ritual of it and want that for your future kids, then you do have an option to take them if you want. But you also need to be aware that they may also get more meaning out of it than you do. Is it okay with you if they “rebel” by believing in church teachings that you reject? If not, then I would t take them.

[Anonymous]

I could have posted this myself. I still struggle with it and my kids are 11 and 8. So many of my family traditions centered around church and I always think about that around the big holidays. I stopped going to church completely as an adult because I was just so appalled at the abuse scandals and the church's handling of it. I also grew to dislike the church's position on gays and women's reproductive rights, which I didn't fully appreciate until I left home and learned a bit more about the world. I haven't found a way to reconcile those things because the attitude of most Catholics--as evidenced by a PP here--is that you're expect to take it or leave it. But it was part of my identity growing up, and it's hard when that identity no longer fits.

I also relate to what you said about feeling melancholy after attending Mass. My mother died when I was in college and she was very religious. Attending Mass is hard for me because I feel her absence so acutely for that hour in church, even though it's been 20 years since she died. I don't feel like I belong at church anymore and it's not an uplifting experience for me, so I rarely go. I WANT to feel that same comfort and familiarity that I did as a kid, but I don't. Maybe it would be better if I went more often, I don't know.

So what do we do as a family? We talk about God and the teachings of the Bible. My kids have their own children's Bibles and read them regularly. We participate in Advent, Lent (including abstaining from meat on Fridays), we put up a nativity during Christmas, we keep our tree up until Epiphany. We go to Mass on Christmas and Easter. I didn't enroll my kids in CCD but haven't ruled it out yet. I'm trying to foster in them an understanding of God, Jesus, spirituality, and the values that we as a family find important, which part of me believes transcends any particular church or denomination. Whether we take a different approach in the future remains to be seen, but I feel like my kids are getting a decent, albeit informal, foundation in the family religion and traditions.

[Anonymous]

NP. I’m an atheist who was raised extremely Catholic, including Catholic schools, who went to college and finally got the confidence to publicly express the atheism I’d believed in since I was about nine or ten. I didn’t go to Mass for years. I did baptize my kids using my mom’s church, but that was more of a gift to my mom than anything.

But then I moved my kids to Catholic school after a disastrous public school experience. The school and community was incredibly welcoming to my kid and the family. The familiar academic and behavioral rigor was so welcome. I had this strong sense of homecoming. My kids embraced it, even though I’d raised them atheist.

I don’t go to Mass regularly, but I do go periodically now. And I really feel a sense of peace after. I have not gone to Confession, but I do take the Eucharist. I suspect that as I age, I will go more.

I don’t know what to do about the actual belief in God part. I remember questioning the existence of God as a very young child. I didn’t even have the words to understand it, but once I learned the term “atheist,” it resonated. I cannot make myself believe in God. But, I feel peace and connection to my community and family when I go to Mass, and for now that is enough.

All of this is to say that if you are feeling pulled to the Church, there might be a reason and it’s okay to embrace that. Go to different churches and attend Mass and see how it resonates. You don’t have to be all in immediately.