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Is it ever OK to stay together "for the kids?"
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Anonymous
| I know what everyone says. Leave if it isn't working out. My daughter is only one, and I can't believe that I'm coming to the realization that my marriage just isn't working out. Last night he told me I was "boxing him in" because he can't go out and see his friends. Never once have I said no to his seeing his friends - I think it's really healthy to go out separately. He just assumed I would say no, so kept telling his friends no. My point is that he always assumes the worst in me. He never gives me the benefit of the doubt in any circumstance, and I finally realize that I am holding him back, not intentionally, just because I'm me and I'm not as social as he is. So here I sit, feeling like a social misfit, like a bump on a log, I don't have a lot of friends in town (I've moved so many times that all of my really close friends are out of town) and he's from here, so he's a social butterfly and I'm a social pariah. This does not make a great marriage. But I can't seem to stomach my daughter not having two parents in the same house. Is it ever worth it to stay together just for the kids? I know he'd be happier with someone else, and I think I'd be happier not feeling like I'm ruining his life every time I turn around. |
Anonymous
| I don't think it is fair for anyone to stay together for your children. I think it is more important that the parents are happy (separated or together) and the child is happy. Children pick up on things. Have you tried counseling yet? |
Anonymous
This is what people tell themselves. In fact all the evidence suggests that, except in situations of high-conflict, it is better for the children if the parents stay together. |
Anonymous
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OP sending lots of hugs your way.
Don't cave so easily. Just because D?H feels you're holding him back doesn't mean that's truly the case, as last night's incident demonstrates. Likely what's "ruining his life" is his struggle to adjust to the demands and limitations of parenthood. Even if it feels daunting find a mothers' group, or any activity that gets you out and around other people. Get some marital therapy, and maybe some individual as well. Check out the possibility that you're experiencing depression, post partum or otherwise. It could make you a lot more vulnerable to your husband's criticisms. You have a difficult, far-reaching decision to make, and you need lots of time and support to make it. Good luck to you and your family! |
Anonymous
Totally agree. I'd stay unless my marriage was creating a bad environment for my children. |
Anonymous
| It is absolutely not okay to stay together just for the kids. If you do, the children grow up feeling the tension between the parents and not seeing the love. |
Anonymous
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My parents stayed together for us kids. I knew it, even as a child, but was glad then and am still glad they did. I will also add, that as they aged and as we children got older and then left the house, their marriage changed a lot. There were some very rough patches, but in the end I think they truly grew a deep love and friendship for one another.
I also want to echo PP who told you not to cave so easily. It sounds like you guys really need to talk to one another and that counseling of some kind might not be a bad idea. |
Anonymous
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Please please consider marriage counseling. It sounds to me that you actually might NOT have a marriage that's falling apart, just communication problems that are driving a wedge in. BIG difference.
And to the PP: I'd like to see real evidence of your assertion that it's "better for the children if the parents stay together." My anecdotal evidence is that children know when and why their parents are unhappy. Many friends have come from unhappy homes where the parents stayed together for the kids-- and the reality was that "home" was stressful, angry, and cold. On the other hand, several friends' parents divorced when they were younger and they admire their parents for their strength, wisdom, and honesty. My husband's parents hated each other growing up, and he remembers huddling with his 5 year old sister while his parents argued praying that they would get a divorce already. |
Anonymous
| I agree with 11:40. My parents divorced when I was 19, but should have divorced when I was about 5 or so. They weren't fighters/abusive/etc, however, it was pretty obvious that they just weren't in love. They have both re-married and I wish they had the opportunity to have done it earlier and I could have seen them happier for far longer. As a consequence, my sister and I grew up with a very warped sense of 'love' and relationships and both of us have had therapy to work this out. To go 14 years or so witnessing people are merely polite ( and it will get to that for you if you don't address it ) in a marriage is not what I would want for my own children. Good luck to you. I think counseling is a very good place to start. Also, keep in mind, the first year of a child's life is the hardest in terms of marriage. My own DH, who I cherish and love more than anything, and I spent a lot of time feeling resentful towards each other during the first year of DD's life. She's now 3 and we're getting along much better. |
Anonymous
| It depends. In some circumstances it is better to stay together for the kids. There can be significant financial hardships involved. Your incomes will not be substantially changing but you will now be covering two households with the same amount. The logistics of childcare can make this difficult too. Dating other people, girlfriends/boyfriends and step parents can be more problematic with young kids than older kids. |
Anonymous
| I think it depends on the state of the marriage and whether it can be salvaged. For example, if the marriage includes abuse or serial infidelity then I would not stay for the kids. However, if we are just drifting apart and I can see a way to bring us back together then I could see myself staying. The other thing to consider is how the state of the marriage affects you and you abilty to parent. If you are so unhappy in the marriage that you are snapping at your kids and generally being a bad parent then maybe its better to get out. |
Anonymous
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"I also want to echo PP who told you not to cave so easily. It sounds like you guys really need to talk to one another and that counseling of some kind might not be a bad idea."
Even so, it sounds like these are two very immature people who probably weren't ready for marriage and parenthood. The wife has the whiff of a martyr - always a bad sign. Result - divorce. |
Anonymous
I agree with this. I'm never one to say "Stay together just for the sake of the kids." But based on the example you shared, I thikn you all may well be able to work through this and improve things drastically with better communication, and likely a little extra support for both of you as individuals. Transitioning even the healthiest marriage into a parenting relationship is challenging. And it's all too typical for both parents to feel isolated, unsure, anxious and even sad/depressed at times. So try some counseling. Talk about your feelings. Find the common ground. Learn to communicate in a way where you can support each other through it. And you personally might want to work on appreciating yourself exactly as you are. There's nothing wrong with being less social (or social in a different way) than someone else. Marriages between introverts and extroverts can be fabulously successful. The key is knowing who you are and being ok with it. And then finding the common ground so you and your spouse appreciate each other and stay connected. Good luck and big hugs! |
Anonymous
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I think you are rushing to conclusions. Your child is only 1. The birth of a child rocks a marriage. People have trouble adjusting to new roles and new expectations and often times there is resentment in the beginning. I have been married coming up on 12 years and we've had ebbs and flows....
one of the difficult pts for us was first year of marriage...none of our friends were married and it was def. an adjustment period. after the birth of both kids and sleep deprivation was another. I was def. more focused on the kids and neglecting my Dh...and we even had similar issues. We both used to be very social then after kids I lost a lot of desire for going out..was in nesting mode for some time. There's never been a divorce from anyone within my family and they all 'seem' like strong, happy marriages. My parents who have been married for 45 years told me there are def. ups and downs. I still remember being newly engaged sitting in the back of the car with my best friend...my older sister and mom were in the front and they said 'marriage isn't always perfect. there will be times you won't even want to look at him. My sister laughed and said she had 'a year like that once'. Don't jump to conclusions too fast. Def. need time to talk, etc. |
Anonymous
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I echo the PP who suggested marriage counseling, but to answer your main question - No, Please DO NOT stay together for the kids sake. As a child of parents who stayed together longer than they should have, I can tell you I was stressed out most of the time they were together. They simply did not get along. The tension was awful. After the split, it was a huge relief to spend time with each one separately and see them each happy, rather than the forced family dinners, awkward silences, and arguments when they thought we couldn't hear or were asleep.
But your situation sounds like it might be resolved through marriage counseling. I feel like my parents were incompatible! |