Lost all interest in spouse

[Anonymous]

I think I just don't love him anymore. I move abroad to support his career a couple of years ago, and I have been struggling with long-term unemployment. I feel a lot of resentment. This is only supposed to be a temporary stepping stone for his career, but I'm at my wits' end. We still have over a year left here.

I feel sad and lonely. I don't fit in with the local culture (which is not particularly inviting to foreigners) and I don't fit in well with the expat groups (most tend to be a bit older with kids, and much wealthier than we are -- also a lot of toxicity complaining about the locals). I took some language classes and I've worked in some crappy temp jobs, but my life still feels really empty. I take care of myself pretty well at least, but have nothing else going for me, nothing to look forward to anymore. It's very hard to see him flourish in his career.

Has anyone been there?

[Anonymous]

I know a divorced woman who was there. She ended up dumping her loving husband for a hot local guy, and the latter pairing fizzled out after a little while. I may sound like I'm criticizing but I don't think she regrets the decision.

I also know some other couples where one half (sometimes the man) seemed to make a huge professional sacrifice to support the overseas placement of the other half. I most cases, the half that made the sacrifice wasn't really very driven or focused anyway, and the sacrifice appeared to be a face saving way to get out of a high pressure career in this country.

[Anonymous]

You are living in a foreign country with no job responsibilities?

That sounds like a dream. I would spend my days exploring! Find cute towns to visit. New spots to relax and read a book with a cup of coffee. Visit museums.

Are you jealous of your DH being the sole provider? My DH and I both work, but we see each other’s successes as the family’s successes. Do you not feel proud of him?

I guess I’m just not understanding the issue … is it that you truly no longer love your spouse or that you just don’t know how to make the best of a situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are living in a foreign country with no job responsibilities?

That sounds like a dream. I would spend my days exploring! Find cute towns to visit. New spots to relax and read a book with a cup of coffee. Visit museums.

Are you jealous of your DH being the sole provider? My DH and I both work, but we see each other’s successes as the family’s successes. Do you not feel proud of him?

I guess I’m just not understanding the issue … is it that you truly no longer love your spouse or that you just don’t know how to make the best of a situation?

I can see why people enjoy unstructured days or lack of responsibilities, but it's very difficult for me. I have explored to a point, COL is high, and on one salary it's very tight. We're barely saving. I don't blame him for my situation -- we made this decision together -- nevertheless there's a lot of resentment, which has killed my feelings.

[Anonymous]

Not unusual for wives to stop sleeping with / lose sexual attraction towards DH after kids.

It is probably the majority of marriages these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not unusual for wives to stop sleeping with / lose sexual attraction towards DH after kids.

It is probably the majority of marriages these days.

I don’t think OP has kids. She’s struggling living in this new country and being lonely because of DH. If she had friends in this new place she probably wouldn’t be so upset. OP is there any way to find a group there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are living in a foreign country with no job responsibilities?

That sounds like a dream. I would spend my days exploring! Find cute towns to visit. New spots to relax and read a book with a cup of coffee. Visit museums.

Are you jealous of your DH being the sole provider? My DH and I both work, but we see each other’s successes as the family’s successes. Do you not feel proud of him?

I guess I’m just not understanding the issue … is it that you truly no longer love your spouse or that you just don’t know how to make the best of a situation?

I can see why people enjoy unstructured days or lack of responsibilities, but it's very difficult for me. I have explored to a point, COL is high, and on one salary it's very tight. We're barely saving. I don't blame him for my situation -- we made this decision together -- nevertheless there's a lot of resentment, which has killed my feelings.

Something like this happens in most marriages. Anything worth doing requires real sacrifices (you move to a place you wouldn’t of, you have fewer kids than you wanted to, you can’t pursue the goals you had etc.). You can sacrifice those for a job, a marriage, a political campaign a cause you believe in etc.

My advice, to the extent you are able, consitrate on the goal you have and not what you’ve already sacrificed.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need to find some tangible ways to feel a sense of accomplishment. It's good to learn new things, but sounds like you need more active doing. What type of work have you done before, whether paid or volunteer? You are out of love with yourself and who you are at this time in your life. Unless DH is actively blocking you from opportunities, this isn't an issue of being out of love with him. Now long-term if his career abroad isn't going to work for you in terms of the opportunities you seek, then have a conversation (with love) about uncoupling and moving forward apart.

[Anonymous]

Move back to the US and get a job. He can join you in a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not unusual for wives to stop sleeping with / lose sexual attraction towards DH after kids.

It is probably the majority of marriages these days.

It's also standard practice for the DH in those marriages to be getting his sex on the side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Move back to the US and get a job. He can join you in a year.

Or find a local hottie.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered anti-depressants?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in exactly the same position as you except that I had to move here for my spouse's career and leave my lucrative (license based) career behind. A decade into this life and I can only get hourly entry level positions while my H and kids are all thriving, leaving me more than resentful. I can absolutely imagine myself turning into one of those miserable old ladies in my older years because I expect everyone to be grateful for my sacrifice (knowing full well that won't happen lol).My advice is to go back and live your full life especially if you don't have kids. You've done enough to keep the peace.

[Anonymous]

Open up your mind and enjoy this opportunity. It won't last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Open up your mind and enjoy this opportunity. It won't last.

That kind of "fresh perspective and grateful for the experience" lasts about 3 years at most, unless you were originally interested in living in said country and culture.
If you haven't experienced this, you think it is an enviable position. It's... just not.