can I un-invite a mean girl?

[Anonymous]

Hello,

Just wanted to get some thoughts. I have a 6 year old daughter. About a month ago, in summer camp, she met another 6 yr old girl and they became fast friends. We've had a few playdates and the girls have attended two more weeks of camp together. However, the last 3 days, the other girl has been horrible to my daughter. She's been saying things like "I don't like you, " "I don't want to be your friend," "you're not my friend," "Don't sit by me/us," "we don't want to play with you, " etc, etc (she's partnered up with another little girl at camp and is excluding my daughter). Now, my daughter is a very sensitive girl. She's also very loyal and forgiving...and a little passive. She cannot think of anything she did to upset this mean girl, and she initially tried very hard to ignore it and continue to hang around the kid.
I told her that the other girl was not being nice, and that she should just find other, nicer kids to hang out with. She also tried to ask her why she was acting like this, and told her that she didn't like how she was being treated. Well, it hasn't gotten any better, and the girl was only meaner today (my daughter's last day of camp with her). My daughter is actually pretty resilient (at least on the outside), but it's just confusing to her why this girl acted like her best friend one day and such a villain the next.

I invited the little girl to my daughter's upcoming birthday party before she started acting like such a little monster (sorry, I'm very upset by how hurt my daughter feels!). My question is, can I disinvite her? The girl does not attend my daughter's school, and I'm hoping we just never see her again.

[Anonymous]

I think this is pretty typical at this age- is there a diplomatic way to clue her mom in on what is going on without starting an adult disagreement? Sometimes when parents work together at this age, you may not re-engage friendship, but at least civility.

I would not disinvite her though...but do think I'd try to see if there is another way to address.

[Anonymous]

I doubt the other would be mean to your daughter at the party b/c the dynamics will be different-- i.e. the other kids will by your daughter's friends, and I would think this girl would want/need to ingratiate herself with them. (I'm assuming that the only child the girl will already know will be your daughter, thus no immediate allies for her to turn to and alienate your daughter.)

So, given that there's little chance that your daughter's birthday party experience will actually be marred by this girl, keep the invitation open but then never see the girl again. You'll end the relationship on a positive note for your daughter. You don't have to tell her that you don't want to continue socializing with the girl.

[Anonymous]

OMG! If they went to camp together, they would be best friends in another 2 days. This kind of thing happens all.the.time. Sorry to say, but if your girl is sensitive and passive, expect a lot of this. Mine is sensitive, but not passive. This kind of crap started around age 6 and continues to this day. And it happens no matter the setting. I have friends with this age group of girls in public school and private, day camps, after school care, swimming lessons, soccer, whatever and where ever there are 3 kids this kind of garbage goes on. Typically girls are more guilty of it than boys, but boys do it too. Lace up, mom. If this bothers you, you are in for a bumpy few years.

[Anonymous]

Why did you post this in the "Older Kids and Teenagers" section?

[Anonymous]

No, sorry, you can't uninvite a 6-year-old child.

[Anonymous]

Call the mom, tell her what's been going on, and say you're worried that it will continue at the birthday party. Let her deal with it.

[Anonymous]

sounds like DD wants to be friends with her "friend". but if this "friend" really doesn't like her, she won't come. and if she does, like pp said, the dynamics will be different. end of problem.

[Anonymous]

my daughter would come first and I think it would send a message. My kid would feel protected and the other girl will learn a lesson. I would dis-invite in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you post this in the "Older Kids and Teenagers" section?

Um, maybe because the definition listed in this section is "elementary-school aged or older" and a six year old turning seven is an elementary-aged child?

[Anonymous]

Tit for tat? I don't think so. What message does that send? And how is your daughter going to learn to work things out on her own? This will continue for years--most likely the girls would have smoothed this out soon anyway. Not to mention that you only have one side of the story, who knows what the other girl is saying to her mother? Everyone sees things differently, maybe she's reacting to a perceived slight that your daughter is completely unaware of? This happens even in adult relationships. You really should stay out of it.

And by the way, this happens with boys, too. Parents should stay out of children's battles once they're out of the sandbox, unless they are seriously harmful, which is clearly not the case here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG! If they went to camp together, they would be best friends in another 2 days. This kind of thing happens all.the.time. Sorry to say, but if your girl is sensitive and passive, expect a lot of this. Mine is sensitive, but not passive. This kind of crap started around age 6 and continues to this day.

Really? I'm not the OP, but she said that the other girl was saying stuff like "I don't like you, " "I don't want to be your friend," "you're not my friend," "Don't sit by me/us," "we don't want to play with you, " etc, etc"

I know that was rampant at my daughters preschool, but the girls were 3 and 4. By age 5, I don't excuse kids for saying stuff like that as "girls will be girls". That's MEAN. I don't see why you'd have to invite some girl to your birthday party who specifically was telling you "I don't like you".

If she went to school with the girl, I'd probably try to find some other solutin, but some girl at camp you'll hopefully not interact with again? I'd just call her mom and tell her the party's off. (Just don't specify -- off for your child only!)

[Anonymous]

I agree that you should call the other mom and explain. Don't blame. "something's been going on between Jane and Mary and I'm not sure what it is. Here's what my daughter is telling me; I know you'll want to also get your daughter's perspective. I am calling just because I am planning to talk to my child before the party, and I hope you will to, to be sure this doesn't continue."

If my daughter was being mean like that I would want the opportunity to talk to her about meanness and kindness.

[Anonymous]

still would un-invite. really, your child is 6. you've got her back.

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier telling the OP that this was not a big deal. And I stand by that. At 7, 8, 9, 10? Would you also uninvite then too? What about 26? Honestly, this stuff is very common and it is different from one day to the next. And I think parents of toddlers and preschoolers have a hard time understanding how common it is and how important it is not to get too involved in these things. Is it mean, sure, but managing it is a part of life. I can tell you that this has happened to my child and we have used it as a chance to talk about how to handle these situations. And my kid has also been the one to be doing the mean talk and I have used that as a chance to teach her about not doing that. If another parent called me and said, "your daughter is being mean to mine," and their example was that my daughter said, "I don't like you. You're not my friend," I would have a really hard time not laughing at the other parent. I mean really. Think about it all of you who are advocating for the OP to call the other parent and tell the other parent that the other kid is being mean. Think about how you would honestly react if some parent you did not know called you and told you that your daughter was being mean. Can you honestly say that your reaction would be to chastise your child? Or would you be more apt to tell the other parent to tell their kid to tell your kid to eff off (figuratively speaking)? Be honest.

I would not invite someone to a party that my daughter didn't like, but I would not uninvite a child in the circumstances that OP describes with only some "I don't like you(s)." "You're not my friend." "You can't play with us." as the support for uninviting. Honestly, if they were going to be together in camp for another thing, they would be bffs in a few days.