Anyone else a SAHM, but not by choice?

[Anonymous]

To try and avoid a long story, for numerous reasons which primarily include a cross country move (away from DC), a really, really bad job that I left after a year to save my sanity (followed eventually by the rest of my coworkers...it was a small office), followed immediately by the "Great Recession" (which happens to have hit really hard where I now live), I have been a SAHM for three of past four years. Since last fall, our four year old is in care/preschool full time where he thrives and loves it (and does much better than I would frankly do for him at home). We now also have a seven month old who I currently care for full time while I attempt to continue to search for a job, submit applications and go on interviews - none of which have panned out yet. (I have done spurts of consulting work, including a full time gig last fall for a few months that was awesome but ended right before #2 came along and haven't been able to pick up additional work yet.)

The baby doesn't nap nearly as much as my son did and in general, is higher maintenance than he was when I was home with him full time. We have no family in the area to ever help out or give me/us a break. I do have days where I realize how lucky I am that I've been able to "be there" for my kids. Yet, other days - like today - I feel as though I'm reaching a breaking point where I need a break and really feel like I'm just not cut out for full time motherhood, yet there is no break in sight. I am fortunate in so many ways, such as the fact that I'm able to put our older child in care even though I'm home full time so I don't even have to juggle two right now. And, I have a very supportive DH who knows that being home full time is hard on me and always does what he can to help and makes sure I have "me time" on the weekends if I want it, etc. He has mentioned to me a couple of times putting our daughter in care a couple of half days a week to give me some free time to focus on job search, etc. but I have felt bad about doing that - particularly the expense when we are already stretched financially - and haven't moved forward on it, though I am starting to wonder if I should.

Anyway, I'm mostly just venting here (a little bit like the other post from the mom who needs to adjust her attitude to appreciate her daughter more - boy, can I relate!) but you so often hear about mothers who are working who would rather be home...just wondering how many of us there are who are in the opposite boat? I guess it would be nice to know I'm not alone.

[Anonymous]

I could have written your post. I have been at home with my toddler for over 2 years now because the recession has weakened employment in my field. I had only planned on being home for 6 months.

I desperately miss my identity outside of the domestic front, socializing with co-workers, and intellectual stimulation. I try to remind myself every day that I should feel very lucky for the time I've spent with DS. And, I truly am grateful but this is not what I envisioned for myself. I am thinking of taking a few classes and transitioning into another field because I have come to the firm realization that I absolutely need to work in some capacity because it is a part of my identity.

If you are able, then I would definitely look into the care for your daughter a few times a week so you can look into job opportunities. I would not feel guilty if having a career is an important priority to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post. I have been at home with my toddler for over 2 years now because the recession has weakened employment in my field. I had only planned on being home for 6 months.

I desperately miss my identity outside of the domestic front, socializing with co-workers, and intellectual stimulation. I try to remind myself every day that I should feel very lucky for the time I've spent with DS. And, I truly am grateful but this is not what I envisioned for myself. I am thinking of taking a few classes and transitioning into another field because I have come to the firm realization that I absolutely need to work in some capacity because it is a part of my identity.

If you are able, then I would definitely look into the care for your daughter a few times a week so you can look into job opportunities. I would not feel guilty if having a career is an important priority to you.

OP here. Yay - someone else who can relate! I have actually been considering the same thing in terms of changing fields. I never loved what I did anyway, but you know - it's hard once you reach a certain level of experience and income. But it's really been incredible what a hard time I've had getting a job, even in my field. In DC I was fortunate enough that I guess you could say I had a very good "close rate" on jobs that I interviewed for. My experience was more of accepting or turning down offers. Then I move to a smaller city where, apparently naively, I thought it would be so easy to get jobs with "my resume." Ha! What a joke. Every job I apply for has 200 - 300 applicants and the interview process is from hell...very grueling. I've made it to the final round three times or so but didn't get an offer. Just last week I was turned down for a consulting gig and found out another job I interviewed for that I really wanted, they've decided to go another direction in terms of the type of hire. Ugh. Each rejection gets harder on the ego, though I'm trying to see them as learning experiences. Anyway, the other field I've mainly considered starting classing for and switching over to has been real estate as I've always loved it and think I'd be good at it but um, that's not exactly a booming area right now either. Sigh. Thanks for sharing - it somehow is comforting to know there's at least someone else out there who feels my pain. Hope you can get back to work soon.

[Anonymous]

My dh is a SAHD because he can't find a job, and it is hard on him as well. It is hard to look for jobs while caring for children, and he feels like he doesn't stay mentally alert either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh is a SAHD because he can't find a job, and it is hard on him as well. It is hard to look for jobs while caring for children, and he feels like he doesn't stay mentally alert either.

16:15 poster here. I agree about the mental alertness. I've started making it a point to do a few things to not feel completely out of the loop. I try to listen to NPR at least a few times a day and I'm making it a goal to read The Atlantic Monthly from cover to cover. It really provides in depth coverage about interesting and relevant topics. I also just recently joined a book club. The key is to really find some niche or hobby separate from the kids so you feel like you retain some adult identity. I still find it so off-putting that at most of the Gymboree type classes, everyone refers to each other as "so and so's Mom". I want my name back!

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in the same boat! I miss working. I loved my field. Sadly, my field and babies don't mix to well. I completely understand where you are coming from...I am there too. Also, in DC there are hardly any SAHM to hang out with...or at least I have no clue where they all hang out!

[Anonymous]

You're not alone OP. I am SAHM, by choice to begin with, now with the recession...well, uh. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Very interesting to read this here as there are tons of posts on DCUM from women stating they are only going to stay home for the first few years and then return to the workforce and will have no problem doing so....

[Anonymous]

Same here. I recently left my job to care for my daughter who has some special medical needs. I appreciate other SAHMs so much more now, because I definitely don't think I'm cut out for it. I love my little girl but it's exhausting and I'm CRAVING intelligent conversation. I'm currently looking into pursuing another master degree or the entrepreneurial path just to keep my mind fresh and increase my career options once she and the economy are better.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in the same boat until very recently. I was laid off from my job a few months before DC#2 was born. I had gone back to work 3 months after my first was born, and had no intention of being a SAHM., but finding a job while very pregnant in a recession was not successful, so I ended up staying home with the kids. Once home, I found looking for a job with a newborn and non napping 2 year old to be almost impossible as well, so my job search slowed down. The older one went to preschool 3 mornings a week and I tried to do some job search work while the younger one napped.

My DH and I did eventually decide that it was worth the expense to send the younger one to a sitter once a week while the older one was at school so I had time to focus on my job search. I spent that time networking, going on informational interviews and actual job interviews. That did pay off and after being home for 16 months I returned to work as a consultant at my old company. I'm not getting benefits, but it's a foot back in the door, experience on my resume, very flexible if the kids are sick, and will hopefully lead to permanent employment.

The kids in daycare fulltime and thriving and I'm very happy to be back in the workforce. I am glad to have been able to stay home with my 2nd for her first year and spend time with the older one, but realize I am happier when I work outside of the house.

[Anonymous]

Thanks again to everyone who has responded. I've had a particularly bad past week or so...I think something to do with DD napping very little and an increase in fussiness which highlights the fact that I'm not good at entertaining 24/7. So, I just needed to vent and hear from others who could relate. It's strange because I've never really considered myself a SAHM, even though technically I have been for quite a while now (with a year back at work in there). I guess it's just that I've never embraced the role because I've always been searching for a job, doing consulting or had half my focus elsewhere - which is kind of sad to me sometimes because I know that many would kill for the time I've had. I hate when the "what do you do?" question comes up socially because I always feel compelled to do the whole, "well, right now I'm at home but..." thing. The whole thing gets mentally exhausting sometimes. Anyway, thank you!

[Anonymous]

I"m on maternity leave but still sympathize.

[Anonymous]

I've been a SAHM for 6 years by choice but always intended to go back to work once the kids were a certain age -- but have not been able to find emplyment for the past year, so I guess I'm a SAHM not by choice at this point!