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My mother is my sister
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Anonymous
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My mom has been seeing a therapist to help her heal.
She was raped by her father from the age of 5-15. It stopped when she found out she was pregnant. For years I've been told my father was this man she dated when she was in H.S. She called me crying tonight and said she wanted to admit this secret she's been hiding. The alleged man whom she claimed was my father she had only had sex with once, and she believes my dad is her dad. She believes this is why he pushed for an abortion. She was too far along to abort me, so he insisted on adoption. My grandmother refused. She was begging me not to be angry with her. I told her I have no reason to be. I have a physical "deformity" that isn't obvious to most people. I hide it well. I am 25 happily married, and well adjusted. I'm not angry at anyone. My dad- grandfather has been in therapy for years. She thought I would blame her for my "deformity". I don't. I love my mom. I told her it wasn't her fault. I never believed the other man was my father, he is of a different nationality than we are. By looking at me it's pretty obvious I'm not his nationality. If you were in this situation would you tell your spouse? I don't want him to look at me like I'm some sort of freak. TIA |
Anonymous
God I'm sorry please, tell us exactly what your deformity is. |
Anonymous
| I don't want to say because I'm a nanny, and my employer visits this board. |
Anonymous
| Do not tell your spouse. |
Anonymous
| What would be your husband's reaction if you told him? |
Anonymous
| I don't know what his response would be. He's not the emotional type. He bottles everything in most of the time. |
Anonymous
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Oh honey, get thee to a therapist. Fast. Seriously -- call your insurance's 1-800 line first thing in the morning and tell them it's an emergency. If you don't have insurance call a sexual assault help line and tell them you need to speak to a crisis counselor ASAP. I know it wasn't your assault but the repercussions are yours. This is big, way too big to try and handle on your own. A therapist can help you figure out even in the first conversation or two what issues you might face in telling your husband, how to structure that conversation, etc.
I am thinking of you and praying very hard for you and your Mom both. I am sure most of us will be, at least thinking of you and wishing you well. And, your poor brave Mom -- she'll probably face few other moments in her life as rough as tonight's conversation, and sounds like things have been pretty hard in life for her already. Peace be with you both. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm really sorry you've been hit with huge news like this. It's the kind that can overwhelm you in ways you never thought of, and keep creeping up on you when you least expect it. I agree with seeing a regular counselor to help sort out some feelings first. But I also think you should go see a genetic counselor as well and get some scientific information about what this could mean for your own children (it may very well have zero effect on them). Armed with both scientific knowledge and emotional coping skills, I'd "then" tell my husband what I just found out about myself.
I had a great genetic counselor when I was pregnant at the University of Maryland Hospital in Baltimore. I'm sure there are some around here, but I can get her name to you if you want it. |
Anonymous
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OP seems fine to me, and not in need of a therapist at all. Seems as though she has worked it out on her own.
I was sexually abused as a child by a family member. I told my DH while we were dating, not because I felt like he had to know b4 marrying me, but because it was part of my history. I let it go a long time ago by choice. I did not want it to control my life or happiness. His reaction confirmed why I decided to marry him. He was respectful, did not ask me a ton of nosey questions and left it up to me to discuss it if I wanted to. Had he freaked out on me, I would not have married him. So OP - Only you know your husband. If you think he is going to freak out, treat you differently etc - DO NOT TELL HIM! I am a firm believer that we should all have secrets that are ours to keep. And just because we're married does not mean that we divulge all of our secrets to our spouse. I am proud of you for forgiving your mom, and not holding her responsible. Forgiveness is freedom! Good luck with whatever you decide to do. |
Anonymous
| Thank you all for the advice I really appreciate it. |
Anonymous
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The other thing to think about is whether your husband is going to change his reaction/relationship to your mother or other members of your family. I definitely don't think this is something you should keep quiet out of shame (on the part of you or your mother), but I also think that it is a major thing about your mother's life that may change the way he treats or thinks about her. You need to think about how you would respond if he directed any judgment or negativity toward her (even just to you, not necessarily in person).
This is a hard situation, and it sounds like you were wonderfully supportive of your mother. There's no need to rush into talking with your husband, you can give yourself and your mother some time to settle into the new reality of both of you knowing the truth and having it in the open between you. I also agree that a therapist could be very helpful in talking through the pros and cons of talking with your husband, and how/when that conversation might happen. If I were in your situation, I might say to my husband, 'I've learned some things about my family from my mother, and I'm going to make an appointment with a counselor to talk about them.' That sort of sets the stage, and you can tell him that it's nothing to worry about -- it's in the past -- but you need some time to focus on your mother right now. That way you can also gauge his initial reaction before deciding how much you want to let him know. |
Anonymous
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PP here: also, I would expect that whenever he learns of it, he will be very angry. It's a long time in the past for you (and to some extent for your mother, although it sounds like it's much more present for her since she's been carrying it alone for so long), but it's going to be fresh and new for him. He will be angry for your mother, disgusted with your father, protective of you, and not know what to do about any of it since it's been so long and he is on a different timeline of coming to terms with it than your family is. In this sense, telling him in a session with a counselor could be very helpful, as the counselor could talk through his anger and reactions with him without it all having nowhere to go except to you.
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Anonymous
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OP, I repeat, don't tell your husband.
Do not see a geneticist, what's done is done. If you are happy, do not see a counselor. |
Anonymous
| The only way not telling your husband could make sense is if you know that you will be able to never tell him for the rest of your life. If you cannot do that, see a therapist ASAP and then tell him. This concerns your children too. What if he never wants to expose them to your father again? As a co-parent he has a right to that vital information. |
Anonymous
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Why wouldn't you tell your husband? That's a terrible secret to keep from him.
Furthermore, do you think your mother is lying about your father/grandfather? (I'm unclear about what you wrote. "I never believed the other man was my father, he is of a different nationality than we are. By looking at me it's pretty obvious I'm not his nationality.") If there's a possibility of passing along any genetic condition, don't you think genetic counseling/testing would be important? I'm glad you're fine with the situation, but b/c it's so disturbing and b/c there's a slight chance that you could pass something along or come into contact with your mother's father, shouldn't you come clean? |