How to tell a child that she is not going to Ivy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the Ivy's give full aid with no loans to families under $100k. At $50k you should qualify. If your DH puts you over the limit then he should be contributing to tuition. Something is off here. Either your DH isn't paying and should be or you submitted incorrect info to the school.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is where she really wants to go, can she ask for a gap year?

Also, if it was really a 1 time thing, then I'd refile FAFSA based on 2017 taxes.

Exactly. Defer a year and get situated financially.

UVa is a great university. I think going there for cheap now would be better off than waiting a year for an Ivy League school and potentially getting completely off track.

[Anonymous]

#firstworldproblem

[Anonymous]

Your daughter studied and worked hard to learn how to game the system. But she didn't learn some of the most basic lessons of life; (1) it ain't fair, (2) you have to live within your means or be a slave to debt, (3) vanity is a sin.

Now go learn what you can, contribute to your community, love your family and friends, and keep faith in yourself! Peace.

If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is where she really wants to go, can she ask for a gap year?

Also, if it was really a 1 time thing, then I'd refile FAFSA based on 2017 taxes.

Exactly. Defer a year and get situated financially.

This is really stupid advice if you mean defer the dream Ivy for a year. To do that she has to turn down her best and realistic options, the full ride and full tuition awards. And get financiallly situated??? As if $240k is going to somehow magically appear between now and next August. This student has a mom earning $50k a year and a dad who refuses to contribute a dime apparently. How will this change in a year enough to allow her to go to her Ivy? All that does is give her false hopes while eliminating her two excellent options.

[Anonymous]

This was me and I still resent it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I would like to put a deposit and just settle on one college. I know there are tons of kids on the waiting list to that school. But she keeps delaying it day after day, hoping the miracle is going to happen. And I am crying every night after I talk to her (not in front of her). I want her to go to her dream school because I know she deserves it, but there are nothing I can do to get her there

Op, you are thinking too much about your discomfort ... you want to put the deposit down and be done with it. Sorry. Your DD is working through her disappointment and you have to go along for the ride. I feel your pain but you do not get to shorten this process to minimize your pain.

I agree with this poster. If your daughter is delaying making a decision because she’s hoping for a miracle, that means she knows the score and just needs more time to process it before she accepts it. Pushing her to finalize it sooner and send in a deposit because it will be easier for you would be very selfish. After all, she is the one this is happening to, not you, so your feelings are secondary.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely advise going to UVA over IVY. Don't saddle her with the debt. When you're debt free it's easy to stay out, you can build all sorts of savings- emergency, car, house down payment, retirement and potentially still have money left over for nice things based on your income. With student debt loans it's much much harder to add to these type accounts because it's such a large drain of money for years and years. My husband and I had no student debt and we are light years ahead financially vs same age peers who are still stuck paying off the loans 15 years later.

And real world, nobody cares if you went to Harvard or state college, especially for a major where there's no graduate continuation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My heart is bleeding now. Daughter got into her dream school. She worked so hard for the last 10 years, no Bs at all since 1st grade. A lot of extracurriculars, varsity sports, volunteering, working every summer, national and international awards, 99% ACT and SAT, 4.0/4.5 GPA, etc. She got there all by herself, without any tutors, no prep courses for SAT, nothing.

We are in that situation that we are not qualified for financial aid (well, they offered $15k for next year out of $75k). My husband and I are separated and I am making only $50k a year.

I saved $20k in 529 and can pull some money from emergency savings, but it is not nearly enough even for the first year.

She has an option to go with a full ride to a great school, or a full tuition+fees in the state flagship university. And she knows that these are great choices and most kids don't have them.

The deadline is May 1st, and I would like to put a deposit and just settle on one college. I know there are tons of kids on the waiting list to that school. But she keeps delaying it day after day, hoping the miracle is going to happen. And I am crying every night after I talk to her (not in front of her). I want her to go to her dream school because I know she deserves it, but there are nothing I can do to get her there.

I guess it is just a vent. Parenting suck.

An Ivy will work it out with you. Call them. All of their aid is need based and you could take out loans. Do not give up so fast!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is where she really wants to go, can she ask for a gap year?

Also, if it was really a 1 time thing, then I'd refile FAFSA based on 2017 taxes.

Exactly. Defer a year and get situated financially.

We discussed this option, and this would be my preference. But I think due to the family situation ( we separated last year) she just wants to get out from home. And I don't blame her.

She is not angry as someone pointed. She is not very emotional child. She just a dreamer

I couldn't stop her from applying, I didn't have much control over her application process. She paid for all Sat and act and all college applications with the money she earned over the summer. We did discuss the total cost and she clearly knows that we cannot pay the full price.

Yes, we should save more, but there are a lot of other factors that I don't want to discuss that prevented this. In addition, we are "younger" parents, I am 39 and ex is 40, so we wasn't making this much money for many years.

Thank you everyone for such a great support. It really helped me to have another look at the situation. I am really appreciated for some of you taking your time to write a long posts and to share your stories.

There is no need to continue this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:#firstworldproblem

I hate when people use this inappropriately. Like here. In the third world, school fees are also a massive strain for families. This is very much a third world problem too.

[Anonymous]

I get the impression that you have raised your daughter very well and and she will be wildly successful. Congratulations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We discussed with her to suck it up and to pay for the first year and pray the next year we might get more FA.


To the poster above: the full ride is Northeastern, the full scholarship is UVA. I will be able to pay a cost of living in UVA, which is $11-14k a year.

She got admitted to another Ivy too, and they offered a little bit more ($30K), because they have a different financial aid form that allows to put a change of circumstances info. Once we added that information, they contacted me and requested 2017 tax return. The decision to award $30K was made after they reviewed 2017 tax return. That is why I don't think her dream school comes up with anything different. I assume they use the same calculation formula. Daughter doesn't want to go there with loans and thinks that UVA without loans vs. Ivy that she doesn't care about would be a better alternative.

Thanks for providing this information. I think it helps those of us trying to advise you to know where the full scholarship is coming from. UVA is a fantastic school that attracts a lot of top talent. Your daughter should feel very proud to have been accepted AND offered a full scholarship. They clearly want her to attend. I know the other school is her dream, and you are doing the right thing to pursue that option for her, but I can tell you from experience what a life long benefit it will be to graduate from college debt free.

The best gift I ever received was four years of tuition (I also attended UVA) paid from money I had inherited. My older brother received the same amount of money but chose to attend an ivy and had to pay the difference himself. He had student loans for many years and added to them when he attended grad school. I had money left over which I used to buy a car after I graduated and also used for part of my grad school tuition. I only worked summers in college to earn money for books and spending money, and could focus on being a student during the school year. I have never been in debt, and that is a real gift.

I don't think deferring is a good option here - I'm not sure you will be able to resolve the family money issue in that time. I would see if her desired ivy will match the discount offered by the other and I also might inform them about the full scholarship offers your daughter has received. You have some leverage - she has gotten several very good offers - hopefully they will come around to understand your circumstances. If they don't she should start getting psyched about UVA and take advantage of their offer, which she earned by her hard work. She will do great there and enjoy her four years all the more if she doesn't have to worry about working and saving all the time.!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And the dad had an unusually good year that was used on the FAFSA. OP - I have my fingers crossed for you.

Also, once divorced doesn’t the FAFSA just look at the custodial parent’s finances? Is there a chance that you will get significantly more FA years 2-4? Big loans for one year are a lot different than big loans for 4.

What the F? Are you serious? That does not seem right. This parent was in this child’s life. That money counts. Sorry her dead wants to all of a sudden be a deadbeat but that isn’t the school’s issue.

I am not at this stage yet but this is my understanding from (1) my sister who was divorced and only her household income, including her new husband (nephews stepfather), were the basis for the FAFA - not the fathers, and (2) a good friend who is a stepparent and her income (the step mom’s) along with her husband’s income were counted because they were the custodial parents and it did not matter that the mom was low income. So it cuts both ways, sometimes you get more and sometimes you get less. Here, if the custodial parent only makes 50K, I would expect more FA.

This is how it worked for my husband's kids only ex did not declare her boyfriend of many years as they were not married. OP is still married, so they take both into account. Child got into to excellent schools and should choose one.