Why does no one reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I vote for the dinner party idea with like minded people. What a nice way to bring people (friends and strangers) together who all like to cook, entertain, etc....the kids are out of the equation this way. Time to branch out OP but at the same time keep your expectations in check. Not everyone is going to above and beyond as you have done.

Is moving back to where your family is an option? Thin this area is not into the whole entertaining in your home idea as much as say Charleston, Savannah, Atlanta,etc.....

I would say to actually *not* do a party and instead something with one couple that focuses on letting the adults interact. It doesn't sound like people have much opportunity to get to know OP, because she is always busy being hostess or minding the kids. Friendships aren't just formulaic, you have to actually like the people. And the only way for that to happen is to have the time and space to talk to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I vote for the dinner party idea with like minded people. What a nice way to bring people (friends and strangers) together who all like to cook, entertain, etc....the kids are out of the equation this way. Time to branch out OP but at the same time keep your expectations in check. Not everyone is going to above and beyond as you have done.

Is moving back to where your family is an option? Thin this area is not into the whole entertaining in your home idea as much as say Charleston, Savannah, Atlanta,etc.....

OP here. My family moved away from my hometown and so I don't have any reason to return to my hometown. They retired far away to a place I have no interest in moving to, let alone visiting. So no, moving back to family is not an option.

[Anonymous]

Get to know some military families. We are often moms alone with deployed husbands, new to the area, no extended family nearby and we reciprocate and entertain! We do friendsgiving at our house for that reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I vote for the dinner party idea with like minded people. What a nice way to bring people (friends and strangers) together who all like to cook, entertain, etc....the kids are out of the equation this way. Time to branch out OP but at the same time keep your expectations in check. Not everyone is going to above and beyond as you have done.

Is moving back to where your family is an option? Thin this area is not into the whole entertaining in your home idea as much as say Charleston, Savannah, Atlanta,etc.....

I would say to actually *not* do a party and instead something with one couple that focuses on letting the adults interact. It doesn't sound like people have much opportunity to get to know OP, because she is always busy being hostess or minding the kids. Friendships aren't just formulaic, you have to actually like the people. And the only way for that to happen is to have the time and space to talk to each other.

Disagree you are missing the point- every month or every six weeks the dinner party is held in another person home, that's the fun part. I was briefly a part of this and must say it was loads of fun and the burden of entertaining is fairly placed among everyone in the group while friendships strengthen via this fun way of getting together on a regular basis. These types of groups also have a great way of bringing together all kinds of people who might not normally meet otherwise. Would work well since OP has said she enjoys the process of entertaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I vote for the dinner party idea with like minded people. What a nice way to bring people (friends and strangers) together who all like to cook, entertain, etc....the kids are out of the equation this way. Time to branch out OP but at the same time keep your expectations in check. Not everyone is going to above and beyond as you have done.

Is moving back to where your family is an option? Thin this area is not into the whole entertaining in your home idea as much as say Charleston, Savannah, Atlanta,etc.....

I would say to actually *not* do a party and instead something with one couple that focuses on letting the adults interact. It doesn't sound like people have much opportunity to get to know OP, because she is always busy being hostess or minding the kids. Friendships aren't just formulaic, you have to actually like the people. And the only way for that to happen is to have the time and space to talk to each other.

Disagree you are missing the point- every month or every six weeks the dinner party is held in another person home, that's the fun part. I was briefly a part of this and must say it was loads of fun and the burden of entertaining is fairly placed among everyone in the group while friendships strengthen via this fun way of getting together on a regular basis. These types of groups also have a great way of bringing together all kinds of people who might not normally meet otherwise. Would work well since OP has said she enjoys the process of entertaining.

Ok, that makes more sense. But it still seems to me that part of OP's issue is not starting small. She doesn't seem to know any like-minded people, so creating a whole group of them to agree to an on-going social commitment won't happen overnight. Inviting one couple over and genuinely focusing on getting to know them (or one woman out for coffee/drinks to do the same) will come together much more easily and quickly.

I can only offer my experience. I have a monthly "ladies dinner out", that is primarily organized by one woman in the group. It's taken a little while, but I've grown close to these women and some (not all) of them have become 1:1 friends. I'm the only one in the group who has also hosted them in my home for weekend brunches, bbqs etc, but I don't mind because I know I like doing it more than others. I don't feel slighted by this, though, because I know *I* enjoy entertaining...and there is enough of a friendship established through our dinners out that for me it doesn't feel like I'm entertaining strangers.

[Anonymous]

Regarding the parties, admittedly my house does look like something out of HGTV (the house after all the renos), I spend a lot of time on renovations and decorating, and my house is always clean, tidy, and well-organized. When guests come over maybe they feel like their house can't measure up. But renovating, decorating, and home-making is my hobby, along with entertaining, so I enjoy it.

My kids had lots of friends and playdates, but only one with a perfect house. Playdates were always at the perfect house, never at our place. I don't know why, it was hard to invite them over to our place (which was clean but messy: living/dinning room was the play area). It always seemed that some planning is required if people are that organized and my phone call or text will interfere with the perfect life. I would text relaxed parents on a whim with a last minute playdate, but I would not dare to bother the perfect people.

[Anonymous]

Every group has the planner or initiator...that is you, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you're a young Martha Stewart, with an HGTV-ready house and amazing party-throwing skills, do you think that aside from all the valid reasons people here feel overwhelmed and hate hosting, that they also might feel intimidated by you?

Would you judge me if I invite you over, and you find I live in a cluttered, fairly grimy little house and heat you up a Trader Joe pizza? And are you typically a scorekeeper who's easily slighted, or is that just coming out as part of your vent here? Because I'm secretly an anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted introvert, and while I like having people over sometimes, I can only bear it if they are amusing, relaxed, and nonjudgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Would you judge me if I invite you over, and you find I live in a cluttered, fairly grimy little house and heat you up a Trader Joe pizza? And are you typically a scorekeeper who's easily slighted, or is that just coming out as part of your vent here? Because I'm secretly an anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted introvert, and while I like having people over sometimes, I can only bear it if they are amusing, relaxed, and nonjudgmental.

Not OP, but yes I would judge. Why is your house grimy? And super cluttered? What is preventing you from keeping a clean, tidy house?

And how much effort does it take to go beyond heating up a frozen pizza? What about ordering takeout from a pizza place (pizza and salad)? What do you feed your own family every night? Just make that, but a larger portion for a few more people. Such as: lasagna and salad, store bought cookies for dessert. How hard is it to put in a small amount of effort to reciprocate and be a good friend to someone who has clearly put in a ton of effort to invite you and your family to their house over and over?

[Anonymous]

Eh, I posted above about having tons of playdates and things at our house and telling OP to just let go the idea of reciprocation. Our house is small for our neighborhood, and I have no talent for home decor. Our nice furniture is from Ikea. Surprisingly people still seem to enjoy coming over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Would you judge me if I invite you over, and you find I live in a cluttered, fairly grimy little house and heat you up a Trader Joe pizza? And are you typically a scorekeeper who's easily slighted, or is that just coming out as part of your vent here? Because I'm secretly an anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted introvert, and while I like having people over sometimes, I can only bear it if they are amusing, relaxed, and nonjudgmental.

Not OP, but yes I would judge. Why is your house grimy? And super cluttered? What is preventing you from keeping a clean, tidy house?

And how much effort does it take to go beyond heating up a frozen pizza? What about ordering takeout from a pizza place (pizza and salad)? What do you feed your own family every night? Just make that, but a larger portion for a few more people. Such as: lasagna and salad, store bought cookies for dessert. How hard is it to put in a small amount of effort to reciprocate and be a good friend to someone who has clearly put in a ton of effort to invite you and your family to their house over and over?

PP with a clean but messy house. Mess does not bother me. Tidy houses with kids scare me.
As for pizza: what's wrong with Trader Joe's pizza? Your suggestions, like lasagna and store bought cookies are on par with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Would you judge me if I invite you over, and you find I live in a cluttered, fairly grimy little house and heat you up a Trader Joe pizza? And are you typically a scorekeeper who's easily slighted, or is that just coming out as part of your vent here? Because I'm secretly an anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted introvert, and while I like having people over sometimes, I can only bear it if they are amusing, relaxed, and nonjudgmental.

Not OP, but yes I would judge. Why is your house grimy? And super cluttered? What is preventing you from keeping a clean, tidy house?

And how much effort does it take to go beyond heating up a frozen pizza? What about ordering takeout from a pizza place (pizza and salad)? What do you feed your own family every night? Just make that, but a larger portion for a few more people. Such as: lasagna and salad, store bought cookies for dessert. How hard is it to put in a small amount of effort to reciprocate and be a good friend to someone who has clearly put in a ton of effort to invite you and your family to their house over and over?

I entertain a lot. I love to cook and make my house look nice, etc. I like coming up with a nice menu, picking out th alcohol, etc. So I do that. And I invite my friends. Some do them are terrible at entertaining. They hate cooking, their houses are disasters and stuff is everywhere! This is real life. Not everyone values the same things that I do. I will happily eat your Trader Joe's pizza and sit at your dining table that I had to help clear before we ate. Because my friends are cool and I don't need all of them to be entertainers. I am happy to play that role.

[Anonymous]

OP, just enjoy planning your parties and playdates. Stop stressing about other people inviting you to things. Life's too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Would you judge me if I invite you over, and you find I live in a cluttered, fairly grimy little house and heat you up a Trader Joe pizza? And are you typically a scorekeeper who's easily slighted, or is that just coming out as part of your vent here? Because I'm secretly an anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted introvert, and while I like having people over sometimes, I can only bear it if they are amusing, relaxed, and nonjudgmental.

Not OP, but yes I would judge. Why is your house grimy? And super cluttered? What is preventing you from keeping a clean, tidy house?

And how much effort does it take to go beyond heating up a frozen pizza? What about ordering takeout from a pizza place (pizza and salad)? What do you feed your own family every night? Just make that, but a larger portion for a few more people. Such as: lasagna and salad, store bought cookies for dessert. How hard is it to put in a small amount of effort to reciprocate and be a good friend to someone who has clearly put in a ton of effort to invite you and your family to their house over and over?

I entertain a lot. I love to cook and make my house look nice, etc. I like coming up with a nice menu, picking out th alcohol, etc. So I do that. And I invite my friends. Some do them are terrible at entertaining. They hate cooking, their houses are disasters and stuff is everywhere! This is real life. Not everyone values the same things that I do. I will happily eat your Trader Joe's pizza and sit at your dining table that I had to help clear before we ate. Because my friends are cool and I don't need all of them to be entertainers. I am happy to play that role.

But do you secretly feel smug and more competent than your friends in your role as ‘the entertainer.’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Would you judge me if I invite you over, and you find I live in a cluttered, fairly grimy little house and heat you up a Trader Joe pizza? And are you typically a scorekeeper who's easily slighted, or is that just coming out as part of your vent here? Because I'm secretly an anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted introvert, and while I like having people over sometimes, I can only bear it if they are amusing, relaxed, and nonjudgmental.

Not OP, but yes I would judge. Why is your house grimy? And super cluttered? What is preventing you from keeping a clean, tidy house?

And how much effort does it take to go beyond heating up a frozen pizza? What about ordering takeout from a pizza place (pizza and salad)? What do you feed your own family every night? Just make that, but a larger portion for a few more people. Such as: lasagna and salad, store bought cookies for dessert. How hard is it to put in a small amount of effort to reciprocate and be a good friend to someone who has clearly put in a ton of effort to invite you and your family to their house over and over?

I entertain a lot. I love to cook and make my house look nice, etc. I like coming up with a nice menu, picking out th alcohol, etc. So I do that. And I invite my friends. Some do them are terrible at entertaining. They hate cooking, their houses are disasters and stuff is everywhere! This is real life. Not everyone values the same things that I do. I will happily eat your Trader Joe's pizza and sit at your dining table that I had to help clear before we ate. Because my friends are cool and I don't need all of them to be entertainers. I am happy to play that role.

But do you secretly feel smug and more competent than your friends in your role as ‘the entertainer.’

No. They are a lot better at me at other things. Like one sewed up my kid's cut in their dining room. It takes all kinds.