Do you think you might get divorced once the kids are grown?

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced after 26 years of marriage, when both my brother and I had finished college and were out on our own. Their divorce was not an amicable one. Now that we have families of our own, we are really feeling the repercussions. Each parent complains about not having enough time with the grandkids. Planning family events and visits is exhausting and frustrating as they can't be in the same room together. Before making the decision to divorce, please consider the impact on your children and grandchildren.

Honestly, I don't get that. My parents did the same thing. And yes, while it was hard for them, they were both eventually happy about the split and could be in the same room (my father was fine the whole time, and my mother simmered down once the divorce and financials were all dealt with). I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My parents divorced after 26 years of marriage, when both my brother and I had finished college and were out on our own. Their divorce was not an amicable one. Now that we have families of our own, we are really feeling the repercussions. Each parent complains about not having enough time with the grandkids. Planning family events and visits is exhausting and frustrating as they can't be in the same room together. Before making the decision to divorce, please consider the impact on your children and grandchildren.

Honestly, I don't get that. My parents did the same thing. And yes, while it was hard for them, they were both eventually happy about the split and could be in the same room (my father was fine the whole time, and my mother simmered down once the divorce and financials were all dealt with). I don't get it.

I don't either. I wish I understood. My dad has a long-time girlfriend who my mom despises (and never fails to tell us so) and my dad is also furious about my mom's current relationship. My brother and I moved on and had our own families, but holidays, kids' birthdays and family get-togethers are very difficult when you have divorced parents who hate each other and won't be in the same room together. My mom made a scene at my daughter's baptism lunch because she didn't want to be in a group family picture with my dad and his girlfriend. I also hate having to divide our time between so many places (my husband's parents are also divorced, but amicably). My kids are still little, but sometimes I think about their confirmations, high school and college graduations, weddings, etc. and it makes me very sad that my parents are incapable of putting their issues aside to participate in family events under one roof.

[Anonymous]

Again it's naive to think waiting until your kids are in college make it easier on them.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's really emotionally easier if you wait, but it does spare them the hassles of the joint custody lifestyle for a few years, so that's something. Especially if they would have had to move and change schools.

I wouldn't stay I stayed married "for" the kids, but there definitely have been years that I stayed married "because" of the kids. My marriage has been bad at times, but when I took a clear-eyed look at what life would actually be like as a divorced parent, it definitely motivated me to work on my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's really emotionally easier if you wait, but it does spare them the hassles of the joint custody lifestyle for a few years, so that's something. Especially if they would have had to move and change schools.

I wouldn't stay I stayed married "for" the kids, but there definitely have been years that I stayed married "because" of the kids. My marriage has been bad at times, but when I took a clear-eyed look at what life would actually be like as a divorced parent, it definitely motivated me to work on my marriage.

Exactly waiting til the kids turn 18 only makes it easier for the parents in terms of child support and custody. It still selfishly motivated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's really emotionally easier if you wait, but it does spare them the hassles of the joint custody lifestyle for a few years, so that's something. Especially if they would have had to move and change schools.

I wouldn't stay I stayed married "for" the kids, but there definitely have been years that I stayed married "because" of the kids. My marriage has been bad at times, but when I took a clear-eyed look at what life would actually be like as a divorced parent, it definitely motivated me to work on my marriage.

Exactly waiting til the kids turn 18 only makes it easier for the parents in terms of child support and custody. It still selfishly motivated.

No, I think it can be easier for the kids too, depending on the circumstances. My parents divorced when I was 16 and it really was tough on me to have to change schools and deal with moving back and forth. I think when you look at the practicalities of it, waiting makes a lot of sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't think it's really emotionally easier if you wait, but it does spare them the hassles of the joint custody lifestyle for a few years, so that's something. Especially if they would have had to move and change schools.

I wouldn't stay I stayed married "for" the kids, but there definitely have been years that I stayed married "because" of the kids. My marriage has been bad at times, but when I took a clear-eyed look at what life would actually be like as a divorced parent, it definitely motivated me to work on my marriage.


Exactly waiting til the kids turn 18 only makes it easier for the parents in terms of child support and custody. It still selfishly motivated.


No, I think it can be easier for the kids too, depending on the circumstances. My parents divorced when I was 16 and it really was tough on me to have to change schools and deal with moving back and forth. I think when you look at the practicalities of it, waiting makes a lot of sense.

Exactly. From a resource standpoint, divorcing when you can fix your marriage is a no brainer. I've had periods where if I didn't have kids, I would have bolted. But I do and I didn't. Kids make people take the long view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's really emotionally easier if you wait, but it does spare them the hassles of the joint custody lifestyle for a few years, so that's something. Especially if they would have had to move and change schools.

I wouldn't stay I stayed married "for" the kids, but there definitely have been years that I stayed married "because" of the kids. My marriage has been bad at times, but when I took a clear-eyed look at what life would actually be like as a divorced parent, it definitely motivated me to work on my marriage.

Exactly waiting til the kids turn 18 only makes it easier for the parents in terms of child support and custody. It still selfishly motivated.

It's a lot easier financially to wait. You no longer have to maintain a home large enough for the kids to live in, and you no longer have to care about school districts. Does saving money benefit the parents or the kids? I say both.

[Anonymous]

We've been together for 28 yrs and have a 7 yr old. Not planning on getting divorced ever. By the time DS is "grown" and not just 18, we maybe dead anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Do you have as hard a time as I do? Or have you found a way to cope?

Seriously, some days I think my head will explode.

Me too. And if you are anything like me, it's not about neatness or someone 'not being like you'. It's much bigger than that. When I can't find a space to eat at an 8 person breakfast room table because he's sprawled his stuff all over it within an hour after I have cleared it. When I trip over things he's 'storing'. When there are 8 junk drawers between the kitchen and dining room holding - junk. When I come downstairs in the morning and find drawers open. When it costs thousands of dollars in emergency vet care because he's left something open and the dog got to it. When all the printers, etc are in his office and it's a hazard to walk in there to get something off the printer. Ad nauseum

For those that think it should be easy, that we should just be able to throw this stuff away, etc, it's not that easy. One of two things happen. Either there's outright hostility or there is a passive-aggressive slam waiting for you down the line.

Right now, I'd settle for just being able to hire someone to fix the doors with holes in them - the standard ones Lowes carries for $23 that he claims are not to be found anywhere, and other household maintenance. The man is a millionaire and throws fits when I hire someone as 'he can do it'. He doesn't.

+1 here, too.
The control issues, anger issues, and pitting the kids against me can't get any worse if we were to split, frankly. Besides, he would love to think he can do better. Until they meet his family! They make my family look normal.

[Anonymous]

Do you have as hard a time as I do? Or have you found a way to cope?


Seriously, some days I think my head will explode.


Me too. And if you are anything like me, it's not about neatness or someone 'not being like you'. It's much bigger than that. When I can't find a space to eat at an 8 person breakfast room table because he's sprawled his stuff all over it within an hour after I have cleared it. When I trip over things he's 'storing'. When there are 8 junk drawers between the kitchen and dining room holding - junk. When I come downstairs in the morning and find drawers open. When it costs thousands of dollars in emergency vet care because he's left something open and the dog got to it. When all the printers, etc are in his office and it's a hazard to walk in there to get something off the printer. Ad nauseum

For those that think it should be easy, that we should just be able to throw this stuff away, etc, it's not that easy. One of two things happen. Either there's outright hostility or there is a passive-aggressive slam waiting for you down the line.

Right now, I'd settle for just being able to hire someone to fix the doors with holes in them - the standard ones Lowes carries for $23 that he claims are not to be found anywhere, and other household maintenance. The man is a millionaire and throws fits when I hire someone as 'he can do it'. He doesn't.


+1 here, too.
The control issues, anger issues, and pitting the kids against me can't get any worse if we were to split, frankly. Besides, he would love to think he can do better. Until they meet his family! They make my family look normal.

It's all a calculus. It is clearly less of a hassle putting up with it than not. Otherwise, you aren't being rational in terms of sticking around. I always tell people. Do the math.

Many times, it's easier to just let things go because in the long run they aren't big. You DH sounds like a hoarder. That isn't a little issue, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think about it sometimes. DH is a very good father and a good man. Sex life has been nonexistent for many years, and I fear if we stay together I'll need to have an affair. Still, we are overall happy together. I just wish there were more of a sexual component to our marriage.

This - lack of sex - has been one of my husbands serious complaints, so serious that he has threatened infidelity, or taking a second wife (hope to God that is a joke, but given my disability it might not be.} Because it is a marriage with kids he has had a hard time figuring out how he would explain this to our children in a theological way - we are devout x religion that has never heard of plural marriage and has always considered it more of a fantasy. He has gotten sex on demand since he asked for a divorce since 2007, because like others have said, has done the research and decided we have to wait, I think his heart broke when his mom left his dad when he was 7)
.
Even though I give in every time he asks me to (I'm the disabled one) he complains about the lack of variety. He gets sex on demand about 4 times a week but when I brought it up in an argument recently he said (in front of my 11 year old daughter) that even the sex wasn't that good because I have to wear a neck brace etc He even gets frustrated when I am having my period. He knows I am the survivor of a really brutal rape and some of the things he has suggested I do ( I have NEVER, not even in college, given him BJ's and now after falling down the stairs I have TMJ and would need to see a physical therapist to be able to open my frigging mouth wide enough - imagine that conversation with a PT !) I feel a little sorry for him because according to him although I had never done it in the ten years we were together before marriage he somehow thought I would get better about this and and enjoy sex more ingeneral and the BJ thing has come out of thin air. We certainly never discussed it with our priest.\

i agree with PP that you shouldn't be putting so much info at one place online. someone following this thread who knows you in RL could put things together. if you want to talk about it, you need to break down your issues into separate topics and post in different places so that people don't realize it's the same person.

in respect to your problem, there are many issues here: your husband's hoarding, your disability, your children don't respect you, you don't drive etc. it's looks like one big ball of a problem, while there are may separate problems.

forget your husband for a second. you need to assert authority over your children, your disability and math grades should not matter. i see that your husband is not helpful, but you need to focus on this fight.

driving is no big deal. i don't drive (knew how to but kinda forgot) and i have no problem being there for my children etc. ok, i am not disabled, but the point is, figure out what you can do for them, do it, and make them respect you. those rules are the same for all parents.

i am not sure why are you spending "half a day in bed"? maybe your husband thinks you could be more productive despite your disability? could you? just a thought. you mentioned you were some kind of high powered nyc lawyer? where did that ambition go?

it also looks like there is a whole other issue here - your husband being a hoarder and it thusly socially isolating the whole family?

you need to develop a social network outside of your home, priest, church etc. of course you feel alone and desperate and as if you would lose everything when your husband leave you while, at the same time, you can't talk to anyone about anything in order not to bring "shame" to your family? come on now. you can't choose your family to be the only thing in your life than despair that it is so. i am an introvert myself and i get it to a point but even i have friends and siblings. i don't share everything with everyone but i share enough so that i feel supported and get some useful advice.

[Anonymous]

ON 12/25/17 MY HUSBAND WILL BE GETTING DIVORCE PAPERS OUR SON WILL BE 18 2/9/18
WE DISCUSSED THIS 2 CHRISTMASES AGO

[Anonymous]

I HAVE A COUNTDOWN CLOCK ON MY PHONE
CHRISTMAS 2017 IS IN 693 DAYS

[Anonymous]

Selfish and lazy DH. Started my Divorce War Chest when DD was 1 year old. Planned to stay until DD when to college. One of the Living Dead.

Fortune smiled on me and DH dropped dead at age 40.
Free at last, Lordy, I'm free at last.