My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- he's gets a 50% say in what goes on in the house. An equal say. Equal to yours.

You don't get more than 50%, for any issue, just because your way is more civilized.

Eh, this is only sort of true but you also have to pick your battles. My husband likes to lounge on the couch and in our bed with his street shoes on. I think it's a filthy habit and disgusting. I told him that it's a high priority for me to keep shoes off these surfaces - and I feel strongly about it. He... doesn't love me asking him to change how he prefers to sit/be. But he loves me and doesn't want me to be disgusted by the way he acts in our house. So he takes off his shoes before he lounges.

OP, the best advice you got is to get the Fair Play cards and/or work through your household labor issues in counseling. You are deep in resentment, and that's a relationship killer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you come at him like that? It’s very accusatory. How about he honey, could you please put your plate in the dishwasher when you’ve finished?

What's your recommendation on how I should have responded?

You could have just picked up the plate and put it on the table.
Wow!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with OP here in the sense that it's not the dirty plate on the couch per se, but perhaps the feeling of what do I need to remind him to put his dishes away in the first place? Could she be more polite? Sure. Could he not be another child that needs reminding? Yes. I think all parents and especially mothers know how utterly frustrating it is to remind their kids CONSTANTLY to do basic things around the house. And add an adult.

GTFOH!!
He is an adult, sometimes he does things that are convenient to himself that is not destructive to anything or anyone!
Do you always fold your laundry right away?
Do you always clean up immediately after dinner?
Do you always fold towels and sheets the exact perfect way your partner requires?
Do you always refill the soap dispenser and the toilet paper?
Do you ever let the gas get below half a tank?
Do you ever let the hamper overflow?
ARE YOU PERFECT?

[Anonymous]

You seem very rigid. Your husband sounds patient and mature. You need individual counseling. You will probably isolate your children the same way you annoy your husband.

[Anonymous]

LEXAPRO!
You need to chill Marge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. Wow.

You are wrong. It's in fact not a big deal to put a plate on the couch for a bit during the movie. You sound controlling and rigid and a bit OCD. Stop trying to micro-manage your grown husband. And this ruins the rest of your night? What are you doing?

He apologized to you in the morning because you're awful and he just wanted it to be over.

This and this is most husbands any time they apologize

[Anonymous]

OP, in this case you sound controlling and are in the wrong. You can’t treat DH, an adult as though he is a naughty child. In this case you woke up stewing and wanted to fight in the morning. LET IT GO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

I think you are off here --- this is a non-issue ---- you should not get it -- you are reading into this something else from your experience which you should not do.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP. Simply because you don't like it is enough of a reason for him not to do it. I see it as disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

BS. Total BS. You are now trying to justify where you acted wrong and people are calling you out for this. If any of this was even remotely true you would have said this in the original post.

I will tell you one thing -- if you are getting fed up with all of this please be assured that your DH is more fed up with you complaining about it. If you are thinking of divorce he is well ahead of you. You all need couples therapy quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP- You said you were "shocked" that he did this and it ruined the rest of the night for you. This is hard for me to even fathom. Have you ever looked into why you are so rigid and feel incredulous regarding people doing pretty basic stuff? I know you are looking for validation but honestly I think this is way more about you than your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

OP I could have written your initial post. The bolded is the underlying issue for me as well. To me it signals a lack of respect. The haters here say its a little thing to leave a dish on the sofa. You acknowledge that yourself. I would say it is so little he can't be bothered to do it himself and instead expects you to do it for him. Also, it isn't the one instance, it is the accumulation of all of the things that are "beneath him," but clearly he expects somebody else to take care of. There is also the aspect of whatever mess he leaves out, you and your kids have to live with, or clean up for him. My own DH recognizes the need to clean up when people come over, but will leave his breakfast dishes out in the morning, a dirty counter from making himself lunch, hair all over the shower and in the sink, bed unmade, pajamas on the floor, knock over a stack of papers on his desk which he leaves on the floor, and walk out the door. When you leave a mess for others you live with, you are expecting them to live in your mess or clean up behind you. That isn't adult behavior. No roommate would tolerate that, so why should a partner be expected to put up with that? Maybe everyone hating on OP lives in a McMansion with a lot more space. The rest of us commoners live in each other's space and can't simply close the door in a few dishes left on a desk in a private office.

Sure but no -- if your DH wants to leave his stuff out and not make the bed he can do that. He does not have to listen to you. If it bothers you -- talk to him about it. Likely he will conform to what you want if he knows it bothers you. Or he may not care -- then you get to choose to put up with it or not as he gets to choose as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are on the same page with the big things that matter... finances, parenting, how to raise our kids, work/life balance etc. but I swear sometimes I feel like our marriage is going to fall apart over the little things. For example, last night we were watching a movie while having dinner since there was no school for FCPS today so we though it would be a treat to eat while watching a movie, something we dont usually do.

When the movie was over I noticed DH had put his plate on the couch after he ate dinner. I was shocked and said "You put the dirty plate on the couch?" He answered with "I didnt want to put it on the new glass coffee table and the plate is basically clean since we ate pizza so yes I left the plate on the couch." I asked why didnt he just quickly walk it over to the sink and he said "This is one of those things between you and I where we are just going to have to agree to disagree. You think putting the dirty plate on the couch is not ok and I do."

That was enough to ruin the rest of the night. After kids went to bed, DH and I went our different ways. I was so frustrated thinking to myself...Is he kidding me... you are going to double down and say that it's ok to put a dirty plate on the couch when the sink is around the corner? What kind of message does that send to the kids?

The thing is that this one isolated thing feels stupid but lately ... I'd say over the last year DH and I have these very intense disagreements over very little things and each of these is adding up.

This morning DH woke up as if nothing happened. When I shared with him my feelings he conceded that I was right. It's not about being right or wrong. It's about him doubling down on these almost meaningless things, not budging at all, telling me he doesnt want to talk about it because he feels a certain way and I do another and there is no way to work around it. It's not after there is a big blow up that he may concede that maybe he didnt go about it the right way.

I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

I dont see a way out of this dynamic we have. It's not big enough to go to couple's therapy but it's big enough that is impacting my day to day and this is not the type of home life I want to settle for. :::SIGH:::

It's evident that you're feeling overwhelmed by the dynamics in your marriage, but it's essential to gain perspective on your challenges. While disagreements over household matters may seem significant in the moment, it's crucial to recognize the privilege and relative ease of your circumstances compared to women in other parts of the world facing severe marginalization and abuse.

Spending time abroad or volunteering in places like Afghanistan could provide valuable perspective on the struggles faced by women in different cultural contexts. It's often through exposure to diverse experiences that we gain a deeper appreciation for our own blessings and a greater understanding of the broader world.

Consider reframing your frustrations within this broader context. While your concerns are valid within your own experience, they may pale in comparison to the hardships endured by women in more oppressive environments. This shift in perspective might help you approach your marital conflicts with a greater sense of gratitude and empathy.

Ha ha. This one of the funniest posts on DCUM in a while. I hope it was meant that way. Telling OP to go to AFG is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you OP. Simply because you don't like it is enough of a reason for him not to do it. I see it as disrespectful.

OK --- he wants to do it -- his dislike of doing it should be enough of a reason for her to keep quiet about it. She is disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel sad for your kids growing up in a tense household due to your untreated mental issues.

Then, in the event of the likely split, they will have to shuffle back and forth.

I'd bet $$$ that you make more work and are very critical of the kids, too.