Honestly, how do you manage dual income marriage with kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it seems like you want a life that is impossible to have and are super bummed you're not getting it.

You want a fun job that gives you a good lifestyle and is intellectually stimulating, meaningful, and fun. You want to have kids and want to give those kids adequate care. You want a functional household. You want time with your partner and time to decompress after one of you travels. And you want a relatively low-stress existence.

It might just be impossible to have a great job, great marriage, great family life, great mental health, and great home. For the vast majority of the world's population, it is impossible. Sometimes what we need isn't a workaround to get what we want, sometimes we need to accept reality for what it is and find a way to be content with that.

Sheesh.
"Don't bother, OP, in trying to live the good life"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I are in highly intellectual jobs that come with a lot of intellectual stimulations, prestige, fun and stress, but don't pay that much. Think of academics, economist at international organizations, etc. We make about 400k in total, evenly distributed. So we are comfortable, but neither of us can afford to quit - we can't afford the same lifestyle with single salary, the sunk cost of PhDs, and all the fun and meaning come with our jobs.

The problem is, we work long hours and travel a lot for work. With two kids, despite a lot of help around the house, we still find ourselves increasingly arguing about who should take the kids, do the chores, etc. We complain about not spending enough time together, but we just can't make it because one of us is either traveling or recovering from the travel...

I'm afraid we are growing apart... I'm the woman and feel like that I already sacrifice a lot of my own time to support him. He just wants me to be the funny sexy available girlfriend whenever he has time. I often just want to take a nap, recover, catch up with work, because I just took the lion share of everything while he was away...

How do you manage dual income marriage? If either of us give up our job, are we destined to separate at some point? It is just so stressful...

You need to hire more help. The only reason to work two jobs is if you earn enough to pay for the domestic duties. You can afford a full time nanny/housekeeper, and you need one.

You also need to chose whether you want a "lifestyle" or a marriage. Women who choose "lifestyle" don't want to be married. Let your husband find someone who wants to be a romantic partner, if your "lifestyle" is more important than your vows.

[Anonymous]

OP is the example of how being educated doesn't make you intelligent.

[Anonymous]

I’m probably a decade ahead of OP’s family timeline. DH and I earned around the same, had demanding jobs and had two kids. I was drowning. I was the default parent. DH helped with household chores but I was alone with all the invisible kid duties whether it was buying diapers, sippy cups, car seats, clothing, shoes, making appointments, going to appointments, making play date plans, RSVPing to birthday parties, buying gifts for birthday parties, buying age appropriate books, puzzles, toys, etc etc etc. DH just did none of this planning or researching. He would help with dishes and bath and would take kids to sports practice or game if he was home. If he wasn’t home, it was on me. If he had a work event, he just went to the work event. It didn’t matter if it strained me.

Eventually I cut down and stopped working when I had the third child. The third child tipped us over. I originally planned to take a break and go back to work but then Covid happened. Now my kids are older but they seem to need me more than ever. Instead of an annual dentist appointment, we have to go to the orthodontist every month. My kid had braces, then a retainer and then Invisalign. My kids used to have one practice and one game for sports per week. Now that they are older, they have sports 5x per week. And now that my baby is no longer a baby, that third child is starting to have afternoon activities.

OP keeps mentioning her husband’s highly intellectual job. At some point, no one cares, especially the wife. My DH now earns seven figures, gets asked to chair conferences, join boards, constantly asked to do random crap for companies. What used to be prestigious now is just a nuisance to me and feels selfish to me as I want to go back to work. It is hard not to be resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m probably a decade ahead of OP’s family timeline. DH and I earned around the same, had demanding jobs and had two kids. I was drowning. I was the default parent. DH helped with household chores but I was alone with all the invisible kid duties whether it was buying diapers, sippy cups, car seats, clothing, shoes, making appointments, going to appointments, making play date plans, RSVPing to birthday parties, buying gifts for birthday parties, buying age appropriate books, puzzles, toys, etc etc etc. DH just did none of this planning or researching. He would help with dishes and bath and would take kids to sports practice or game if he was home. If he wasn’t home, it was on me. If he had a work event, he just went to the work event. It didn’t matter if it strained me.

Eventually I cut down and stopped working when I had the third child. The third child tipped us over. I originally planned to take a break and go back to work but then Covid happened. Now my kids are older but they seem to need me more than ever. Instead of an annual dentist appointment, we have to go to the orthodontist every month. My kid had braces, then a retainer and then Invisalign. My kids used to have one practice and one game for sports per week. Now that they are older, they have sports 5x per week. And now that my baby is no longer a baby, that third child is starting to have afternoon activities.

OP keeps mentioning her husband’s highly intellectual job. At some point, no one cares, especially the wife. My DH now earns seven figures, gets asked to chair conferences, join boards, constantly asked to do random crap for companies. What used to be prestigious now is just a nuisance to me and feels selfish to me as I want to go back to work. It is hard not to be resentful.

Have you ever actually TRIED to reset with your spouse? Have you bothered at all to say "this isn't working for me"? Do you ever make your needs known?

I am sort of appalled by the lack of self-esteem amongst highly motivated, intellectual, high-earning women in this thread.

[Anonymous]

I love that OP has to throw in how "intellectual" they both are, as if that somehow makes this different from many other situations. My oldest is a police officer married to an RN and they have the same difficulties with balancing shift work and kid responsibilities. And somehow they manage to do this on somewhere less than $200K a year in the DMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both DH and I are in highly intellectual jobs that come with a lot of intellectual stimulations, prestige, fun and stress, but don't pay that much. Think of academics, economist at international organizations, etc. We make about 400k in total, evenly distributed. So we are comfortable, but neither of us can afford to quit - we can't afford the same lifestyle with single salary, the sunk cost of PhDs, and all the fun and meaning come with our jobs.

Honestly this is so out of touch. 400k salaries is not low pay. I’m literally rolling my eyes at you. Just hire more help.

Just too ridiculous! And what does having an "intellectual" job have to do with anything? Both parents working is difficult. You chose to have kids. You "can't afford to quit." That's BS. Hire help, change jobs, quit... Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, one of you (at least) needs to take a step back and/or you need very involved grandparents. Alternatively, enough money to outsource a LOT of things.

We didn't have the the last two things. So I took a step out of my path to work from home and have flexible hours. My reasoning -for us and this is not a judgment on those who value career- was that I'd ever wish I worked more and no one would really care that I did. But my kid would know whether I was there and present and that was more important. (My parents worked shift work and I was the classic latch key kid. So they were not involved at all).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Outsource the girlfriend part!

That’s the guarantee for marriage falling apart, which OP is trying to avoid. They apparently love each other but just don’t know how to keep all the balls at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m probably a decade ahead of OP’s family timeline. DH and I earned around the same, had demanding jobs and had two kids. I was drowning. I was the default parent. DH helped with household chores but I was alone with all the invisible kid duties whether it was buying diapers, sippy cups, car seats, clothing, shoes, making appointments, going to appointments, making play date plans, RSVPing to birthday parties, buying gifts for birthday parties, buying age appropriate books, puzzles, toys, etc etc etc. DH just did none of this planning or researching. He would help with dishes and bath and would take kids to sports practice or game if he was home. If he wasn’t home, it was on me. If he had a work event, he just went to the work event. It didn’t matter if it strained me.

Eventually I cut down and stopped working when I had the third child. The third child tipped us over. I originally planned to take a break and go back to work but then Covid happened. Now my kids are older but they seem to need me more than ever. Instead of an annual dentist appointment, we have to go to the orthodontist every month. My kid had braces, then a retainer and then Invisalign. My kids used to have one practice and one game for sports per week. Now that they are older, they have sports 5x per week. And now that my baby is no longer a baby, that third child is starting to have afternoon activities.

OP keeps mentioning her husband’s highly intellectual job. At some point, no one cares, especially the wife. My DH now earns seven figures, gets asked to chair conferences, join boards, constantly asked to do random crap for companies. What used to be prestigious now is just a nuisance to me and feels selfish to me as I want to go back to work. It is hard not to be resentful.

Have you ever actually TRIED to reset with your spouse? Have you bothered at all to say "this isn't working for me"? Do you ever make your needs known?

I am sort of appalled by the lack of self-esteem amongst highly motivated, intellectual, high-earning women in this thread.

I do not lack self esteem. I put my kids first above my career and spouse. I used to miss my kid’s bedtime almost daily because I could not get home early enough. When I got a less demanding job when I had two kids, I felt like I was not putting my all at work and felt like I was outsourcing my parenting life out. I am sure DH thought he was doing his part. When he is home, he is helpful. He is will play with kids while I make dinner or he will do dishes while I get kids to bed. He has always been and still is a hands on dad. The problem is he has an unpredictable demanding job. I know most people will not sympathize since Dh earns a few million per year. They will say I should be the default parent. When we first started, we had a similar dynamic as OP. This post brings back a lot of bad memories for me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love that OP has to throw in how "intellectual" they both are, as if that somehow makes this different from many other situations. My oldest is a police officer married to an RN and they have the same difficulties with balancing shift work and kid responsibilities. And somehow they manage to do this on somewhere less than $200K a year in the DMV.

This is OP. I emphasized the ‘intellectual’ part to say that such jobs don’t pay you enough to afford a stay at home parent, and there is a low earning ceiling of such jobs. Long hours do not translate into seven figure salary, ever. Yet such jobs are very addictive because of all the ‘fun’ come with it, making it harder to quit. Hence our struggle to want to ‘have it all’…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love that OP has to throw in how "intellectual" they both are, as if that somehow makes this different from many other situations. My oldest is a police officer married to an RN and they have the same difficulties with balancing shift work and kid responsibilities. And somehow they manage to do this on somewhere less than $200K a year in the DMV.

I just wrote that I am about a decade ahead of OP’s family timeline. I have two masters, including one from Harvard. OP is probably trying to say she also has an impressive career. I was very ambitious and career oriented. DH and I were similar when we became parents. It is hard for both parents to stay in the same pace with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m probably a decade ahead of OP’s family timeline. DH and I earned around the same, had demanding jobs and had two kids. I was drowning. I was the default parent. DH helped with household chores but I was alone with all the invisible kid duties whether it was buying diapers, sippy cups, car seats, clothing, shoes, making appointments, going to appointments, making play date plans, RSVPing to birthday parties, buying gifts for birthday parties, buying age appropriate books, puzzles, toys, etc etc etc. DH just did none of this planning or researching. He would help with dishes and bath and would take kids to sports practice or game if he was home. If he wasn’t home, it was on me. If he had a work event, he just went to the work event. It didn’t matter if it strained me.

Eventually I cut down and stopped working when I had the third child. The third child tipped us over. I originally planned to take a break and go back to work but then Covid happened. Now my kids are older but they seem to need me more than ever. Instead of an annual dentist appointment, we have to go to the orthodontist every month. My kid had braces, then a retainer and then Invisalign. My kids used to have one practice and one game for sports per week. Now that they are older, they have sports 5x per week. And now that my baby is no longer a baby, that third child is starting to have afternoon activities.

OP keeps mentioning her husband’s highly intellectual job. At some point, no one cares, especially the wife. My DH now earns seven figures, gets asked to chair conferences, join boards, constantly asked to do random crap for companies. What used to be prestigious now is just a nuisance to me and feels selfish to me as I want to go back to work. It is hard not to be resentful.

Have you ever actually TRIED to reset with your spouse? Have you bothered at all to say "this isn't working for me"? Do you ever make your needs known?

I am sort of appalled by the lack of self-esteem amongst highly motivated, intellectual, high-earning women in this thread.

I do not lack self esteem. I put my kids first above my career and spouse. I used to miss my kid’s bedtime almost daily because I could not get home early enough. When I got a less demanding job when I had two kids, I felt like I was not putting my all at work and felt like I was outsourcing my parenting life out. I am sure DH thought he was doing his part. When he is home, he is helpful. He is will play with kids while I make dinner or he will do dishes while I get kids to bed. He has always been and still is a hands on dad. The problem is he has an unpredictable demanding job. I know most people will not sympathize since Dh earns a few million per year. They will say I should be the default parent. When we first started, we had a similar dynamic as OP. This post brings back a lot of bad memories for me!

You can make choices (particularly with that income level) but instead act like all of these things just happened to you and you had no choice. You made choices and now don't like them. Learn to like them or change the situation. The low self-esteem is that you can't seem to think that you can make this happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love that OP has to throw in how "intellectual" they both are, as if that somehow makes this different from many other situations. My oldest is a police officer married to an RN and they have the same difficulties with balancing shift work and kid responsibilities. And somehow they manage to do this on somewhere less than $200K a year in the DMV.

I just wrote that I am about a decade ahead of OP’s family timeline. I have two masters, including one from Harvard. OP is probably trying to say she also has an impressive career. I was very ambitious and career oriented. DH and I were similar when we became parents. It is hard for both parents to stay in the same pace with children.

wow both you and OP get worse by the second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love that OP has to throw in how "intellectual" they both are, as if that somehow makes this different from many other situations. My oldest is a police officer married to an RN and they have the same difficulties with balancing shift work and kid responsibilities. And somehow they manage to do this on somewhere less than $200K a year in the DMV.

I just wrote that I am about a decade ahead of OP’s family timeline. I have two masters, including one from Harvard. OP is probably trying to say she also has an impressive career. I was very ambitious and career oriented. DH and I were similar when we became parents. It is hard for both parents to stay in the same pace with children.

Thanks PP. This is OP. I totally get it. It IS a gender issue. Women do all the invisible work, despite all the helps you can hire. The thinking, planning, scheduling, researching…. It takes us away from what we should focus on, and NO is acknowledging that.