Happily married. Also find myself fantasizing about cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to, I have zero desire to blow up my good marriage, hurt my wonderful husband, or harm the loving family I've helped create for my kids.

But I'm going through some kind of hormonal thing and I'm insanely horny lately and have also developed an intense crush on a man in my orbit. Again, no interest in actually doing anything about it. But think about it all. the. time.

Has anyone been through this? Did it pass eventually? I'm almost enjoying it because it's been so long since I had that feeling of serious crush with strong physical attraction/chemistry. But it's also stressful because I feel a little guilty about the thoughts I'm having, and also worried that it's written all over my face.

Please tell me your stories of managing a midlife crush while happily married! I'm sitting here trying to work and instead engaging in some very cheesy fantasies and trying not to blush.

Just talk dirty about it in bed with your DH. Can be hot and also makes it impossible for you to stray in reality, cover blown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My friend got used, dumped and then got caught. Husband divorced her. Older teens didn’t take it well.

Wait, how did she get caught if the guy had already dumped her??

She (the friend) was still married when her AP dumped her.

Her DH found out she had the affair and divorced her because of it.

Yeah. Men are much likelier to file for divorce.

Not a commentary on PP's story, but this is not correct. Women are much more likely to file for divorce -- nearly 70% of divorces are initiated by women.

Women file overall for divorce, but when women cheat it’s always the men that file.

My DH did not file for divorce when I cheated.

I bet it depends a lot on whether or not the wife is still having sex with the husband.

A man might not like the idea of his wife cheating, but if they still have an active sex life, he might be able to chalk it ups to what to him is an understandable desire for variety or struggling with the idea of never having sex with someone new again (many men find those to be understandable feelings).

But if the marriage is dead and then cheating is discovered, the husband is going to feel like a chump and I think is more likely to want to leave. Especially if there is any financial imbalance in the marriage, because he will feel truly cuckolded -- he's supporting a woman who is only having sex with someone else.

With women I think the dynamics are different, and I think women (whether they realize it or not) are more likely to view cheating as unforgivable because of the risk of their husband impregnating another woman. I think the fear that a cheating husband will go start a family with someone else, and thus abandon her family, makes cheating by men feel more dangerous for women. Because you have no control over whether that other woman is using birth control.

[Anonymous]

My husband went through this after he lost almost 100 lbs. He was shocked and euphoric about how random people noticed him after the weight loss. I told him to go to therapy and learn how to channel his emotional impulses and not weaponize them against me or I would divorce him. Only ultimatum I’ve ever given him. I didn’t even expect him to propose- that was his idea.

He did. Things are better now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband went through this after he lost almost 100 lbs. He was shocked and euphoric about how random people noticed him after the weight loss. I told him to go to therapy and learn how to channel his emotional impulses and not weaponize them against me or I would divorce him. Only ultimatum I’ve ever given him. I didn’t even expect him to propose- that was his idea.

He did. Things are better now.

Wrong thread maybe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this happen in my late 40s and I told my husband about it. We kind of…enjoyed the crush together…and it helped me work through it faster. Still took about 18 months to get through the worst of it. Sounds weird, but it did help.

NP.

This is the answer for you, OP.

Look, this is a golden opportunity for fun in your marriage and sex-life. Open up to DH; make very sure he knows you are dedicated to him, but the hormones are driving this, and you’d never do anything except with him. Then:

- roll-play. Fantasize. Imagine a fantasy three-way, or like that 90s movie where a couple is offers one-million-dollars! for a single night with the wife, or - who knows?

Including DH in what’s happening in your mind right now will defuse the whole situation and remove any risk (provided you make it 100% clear he’s your one and only til death do you part).

Your hormone-induced-hornyness will pass. Just run with for now.

[Anonymous]

Avoid him, especially bring alone.

It is a dangerous flame to feed.

[Anonymous]

It's not about your crush. It's about you. You and your hormones are creating a SIM world that is fueling your needed at the moment lift of self esteem. Engaging in fantasy or limerence moves you out of the ordinary and into a realm of being wanted and admired- and there's nothing really wrong with that. We all know that feeling, if we are settled and happily married won't happen again, you both are comfortable with each other's flaws and good things. We also know that the passionate affairs are limited- they all move into the comfortable zone or end. So, instead of reading bodice rippers, you are just creative and writing one in your head. It supplies lots of dopamine for the ordinary times, the ordinary life, the ordinary day.
It gets dangerous if you act on it, though, because it isn't reality in any sense of the word.
And the way to get out of that head space is to think what life would really be like without your spouse. I mean, what it would really be like- follow yourself through a whole real day (*think about your grooming and bathrooming stuff, laundry, that weird rash or whatever you have, your neuroticisms, anger, eating, etc.) and consider how much of that would you be comfortable with this object of your crush actually seeing. ( Vice Versa, too) Not a lot. It's a fun movie, not life.

[Anonymous]

Flick the bean and move on. What do you think the rest of us are doing?

[Anonymous]

Have your fling and move on. Leave no traces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Flick the bean and move on. What do you think the rest of us are doing?

Wow, thanks, I laughed out loud. (not OP).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s great, just enjoy it and channel the physical energy into sex with your spouse. Crushes are fun.

This. And close your eyes and imagine the other guy during sexy times with your husband. Your husband will definitey wonder what got into you. Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Flick the bean and move on. What do you think the rest of us are doing?

and moan...don't forget to moan...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am happily married and have random crushes on men all of the time. I always have since being a teenager and I’m over 50 now. Just stop obsessing over this one guy and look for other men to crush over too. It’s attraction but meaningless since I just acknowledge it to myself and move on.

OP here. Can you expand more on this? I'm the sort of person who just doesn't really think of other men like that, since I'm married. Maybe a celebrity or something, but since I married my husband, it's like I turned off the part of my brain/body that process attraction to other men. Like in the same way you might just shut down attraction to your BIL or your best friend's spouse, because it's not acceptable.

This crush took me by surprise but I don't even know where to start thinking about crushing on other men. Most men I meet are dads of my kids' classmates and friends and I have no interest. My current crush was someone I met by happenstance who is totally outside my social circle. I think that was part of it. He met me as just a woman he'd never met before, not as "Larlo's mom" or "Jay's wife" or whatever. It's like he got to see a side of me most people don't see because I am normally in these roles/boxes that allow people to easily categorize me.

Yes. Be careful OP. Very very careful. Although, for me, once I realized I had feelings for my (soon to be) AP there wasn't a doubt in my mind that I would act on it.

[Anonymous]

No you're not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am happily married and have random crushes on men all of the time. I always have since being a teenager and I’m over 50 now. Just stop obsessing over this one guy and look for other men to crush over too. It’s attraction but meaningless since I just acknowledge it to myself and move on.

OP here. Can you expand more on this? I'm the sort of person who just doesn't really think of other men like that, since I'm married. Maybe a celebrity or something, but since I married my husband, it's like I turned off the part of my brain/body that process attraction to other men. Like in the same way you might just shut down attraction to your BIL or your best friend's spouse, because it's not acceptable.

This crush took me by surprise but I don't even know where to start thinking about crushing on other men. Most men I meet are dads of my kids' classmates and friends and I have no interest. My current crush was someone I met by happenstance who is totally outside my social circle. I think that was part of it. He met me as just a woman he'd never met before, not as "Larlo's mom" or "Jay's wife" or whatever. It's like he got to see a side of me most people don't see because I am normally in these roles/boxes that allow people to easily categorize me.

Yes. Be careful OP. Very very careful. Although, for me, once I realized I had feelings for my (soon to be) AP there wasn't a doubt in my mind that I would act on it.

This is a reflection of your lack of self control and love for your spouse not some universal truth. Most of us can manage feelings without cheating on our spouses.