Daughter married a doctor, he’s pressuring her to pay off his student debt

[Anonymous]

One way to make it a team effort is for the DH to aggressively tackle the student loans on his own while the DW aggressively sets aside funds for 529 plans (if they intend to have kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You decide to marry the person as they are, debts and all.Marriage means you are an economic unit. You vowed to take care of that person through thick and thin. And they vowed to take care of you as well. Are you planning to pay for the person's expenses when they are old and need help for medical reasons (if that person has not saved enough in your 50% scheme of paying for household expenses)? Or do you let the person go unattended? Do you plan to have children and make everything 50% when it comes to their activities/education (even if one partner cannot afford to give the 50%)? Do you plan to split all the housework/child care duties exactly 50%? Or will you work as a team to make a home and life for yourselves because you have made a commitment to do that? If you are not ready to give and sacrifice for another person in order to form a family, you are not ready for marriage.

lol. This is what schemers say so they can con their spouse. This isn't $5,000 in credit card debt from undergrad, it's probably closer to $500,000.

+100. People scream about teamwork and sacrifice when they need to scam the other person. If the DH cared about being fair to his wife he wouldn’t ask this.

Sorry to turn this into a gendered issue, but it seems men have no problem asking women for the moon. Unquestionably, it is an egregious ask, and the daughter should say no. He uses his income to pay off his loans overtime as he's able, which means he's contributing less to their living expenses. Fine.

It is indisputably the husband's obligation to pay off his own student loans under the law. Student loans are separate debts. Set aside divorce because so many people get worked up over considering the possibility of divorce. What happens if he gets hit by a bus? The loans go away. The law doesn't assign them to his wife because that would be absurd. Back to a divorce, student loans are not a part of the marital estate when dividing up assets and liabilities. I get that many people here have spouses who would never run off with a hot young nurse in a million years. It won't happen to you. You are immune from bad things happening. There is zero risk that your doctor spouse gets hit by a drunk driver on the way home from work, gets a cancer diagnosis in his thirties, or falls in love with a young nurse when you are in you hit menopause. You are a marital unit, and all the risks be damned.

I can't believe this has been debated for so many pages. I love a good debate, but there is only one side to this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, come back and answer the key question: what does it mean pressuring to pay ??

Is it that she uses pre-marital assets to pay a lump sum towards his debts? If so, that doesn't seem right.

Is it that they have a joint budget and share expenses 50-50 including the recurring debt payments? That seems fair if she is planning to benefit from his future salary too.

How we did it: i had zero debts, a higher salary and higher career prospects. He had student debts and an NGO career. He paid his debt on his own but we contributed to the family budget proportionally to our income (ie, post debt payments he was making half of what i made so he put half of what i put in the family pot). We didn't fully merge as i kept more savings than him but at the end of the day I still helped him pay his debts. And then for the last 10K i put a lump sum and paid them off.

How does the "more savings" work? When you turn 65 and retire, you get to travel and he can't because "he didn't save enough"?
Or do you pay for all vacations because you make more?

How do you know you’ll still be married at 65? Or both alive at 65? Coercing a debt free young wife to bail you out of $400,000 in debt makes you a chickenshit mooch.

So does the reverse work? Now they are married, once he pays off "his debt" is his income all his to spend as he sees fit? He pays half the living expenses and she pays the other half? Even if he makes $300K and she makes $75K? Why should he contribute more than half, if there's a chance she will leave him for someone else in 5 years?

Me personally, I choose carefully for getting married, and that includes real discussions about finances and everything else in life. If you are not on a similar page for most things, then don't get married. But I cannot imagine being married to someone who views finances as "theirs" and"mine" We are a team, and as such we do what financially benefits the entire family most. I don't go thru life planning as if my marriage is a sham and will be over in 4-5 years.

OP says her daughter has a good job and no debt. It’s entirely possible she’ll end up making the same if not more than her taker DH by the time he pays off his debt.

Haaa..."her taker DH". Let me guess, you are not happily married with that attitude

As long as her DH has the debt, the family unit (two of them plus any kids) are not getting his full salary to utilize. Doesn't matter who makes more or less in actuality. fact is the sooner the debt is paid off, the sooner the interest stops (typically high interest) and the sooner they can start saving jointly that extra money and building wealth. It's not that difficult to understand

It’s also not difficult to understand that he’s a scumbag for asking her to pay off his debt in one lump sum with her money, and it rightfully gives her own parent pause because he can so easily dump her as soon as the debt is paid. Why he would have the temerity to ask his wife this is something they should be concerned about.

never did it say, "one lump sum"

It did..if you wade through all the posts it’s there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You decide to marry the person as they are, debts and all.Marriage means you are an economic unit. You vowed to take care of that person through thick and thin. And they vowed to take care of you as well. Are you planning to pay for the person's expenses when they are old and need help for medical reasons (if that person has not saved enough in your 50% scheme of paying for household expenses)? Or do you let the person go unattended? Do you plan to have children and make everything 50% when it comes to their activities/education (even if one partner cannot afford to give the 50%)? Do you plan to split all the housework/child care duties exactly 50%? Or will you work as a team to make a home and life for yourselves because you have made a commitment to do that? If you are not ready to give and sacrifice for another person in order to form a family, you are not ready for marriage.

lol. This is what schemers say so they can con their spouse. This isn't $5,000 in credit card debt from undergrad, it's probably closer to $500,000.

+100. People scream about teamwork and sacrifice when they need to scam the other person. If the DH cared about being fair to his wife he wouldn’t ask this.

Sorry to turn this into a gendered issue, but it seems men have no problem asking women for the moon. Unquestionably, it is an egregious ask, and the daughter should say no. He uses his income to pay off his loans overtime as he's able, which means he's contributing less to their living expenses. Fine.

It is indisputably the husband's obligation to pay off his own student loans under the law. Student loans are separate debts. Set aside divorce because so many people get worked up over considering the possibility of divorce. What happens if he gets hit by a bus? The loans go away. The law doesn't assign them to his wife because that would be absurd. Back to a divorce, student loans are not a part of the marital estate when dividing up assets and liabilities. I get that many people here have spouses who would never run off with a hot young nurse in a million years. It won't happen to you. You are immune from bad things happening. There is zero risk that your doctor spouse gets hit by a drunk driver on the way home from work, gets a cancer diagnosis in his thirties, or falls in love with a young nurse when you are in you hit menopause. You are a marital unit, and all the risks be damned.

I can't believe this has been debated for so many pages. I love a good debate, but there is only one side to this one.

All of this. I think the posters advocating for this are delusional older posters who don’t understand we live in a different age, where loans are hundreds of thousands of dollars and younger people don’t believe as strongly in the institution of marriage and children as in the past. Everything is shaky about this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You decide to marry the person as they are, debts and all.Marriage means you are an economic unit. You vowed to take care of that person through thick and thin. And they vowed to take care of you as well. Are you planning to pay for the person's expenses when they are old and need help for medical reasons (if that person has not saved enough in your 50% scheme of paying for household expenses)? Or do you let the person go unattended? Do you plan to have children and make everything 50% when it comes to their activities/education (even if one partner cannot afford to give the 50%)? Do you plan to split all the housework/child care duties exactly 50%? Or will you work as a team to make a home and life for yourselves because you have made a commitment to do that? If you are not ready to give and sacrifice for another person in order to form a family, you are not ready for marriage.

lol. This is what schemers say so they can con their spouse. This isn't $5,000 in credit card debt from undergrad, it's probably closer to $500,000.

+100. People scream about teamwork and sacrifice when they need to scam the other person. If the DH cared about being fair to his wife he wouldn’t ask this.

Sorry to turn this into a gendered issue, but it seems men have no problem asking women for the moon. Unquestionably, it is an egregious ask, and the daughter should say no. He uses his income to pay off his loans overtime as he's able, which means he's contributing less to their living expenses. Fine.

It is indisputably the husband's obligation to pay off his own student loans under the law. Student loans are separate debts. Set aside divorce because so many people get worked up over considering the possibility of divorce. What happens if he gets hit by a bus? The loans go away. The law doesn't assign them to his wife because that would be absurd. Back to a divorce, student loans are not a part of the marital estate when dividing up assets and liabilities. I get that many people here have spouses who would never run off with a hot young nurse in a million years. It won't happen to you. You are immune from bad things happening. There is zero risk that your doctor spouse gets hit by a drunk driver on the way home from work, gets a cancer diagnosis in his thirties, or falls in love with a young nurse when you are in you hit menopause. You are a marital unit, and all the risks be damned.

I can't believe this has been debated for so many pages. I love a good debate, but there is only one side to this one.

No, you don’t get to close the debate for everyone, and there isn’t one side of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, come back and answer the key question: what does it mean pressuring to pay ??

Is it that she uses pre-marital assets to pay a lump sum towards his debts? If so, that doesn't seem right.

Is it that they have a joint budget and share expenses 50-50 including the recurring debt payments? That seems fair if she is planning to benefit from his future salary too.

How we did it: i had zero debts, a higher salary and higher career prospects. He had student debts and an NGO career. He paid his debt on his own but we contributed to the family budget proportionally to our income (ie, post debt payments he was making half of what i made so he put half of what i put in the family pot). We didn't fully merge as i kept more savings than him but at the end of the day I still helped him pay his debts. And then for the last 10K i put a lump sum and paid them off.

How does the "more savings" work? When you turn 65 and retire, you get to travel and he can't because "he didn't save enough"?
Or do you pay for all vacations because you make more?

How do you know you’ll still be married at 65? Or both alive at 65? Coercing a debt free young wife to bail you out of $400,000 in debt makes you a chickenshit mooch.

So does the reverse work? Now they are married, once he pays off "his debt" is his income all his to spend as he sees fit? He pays half the living expenses and she pays the other half? Even if he makes $300K and she makes $75K? Why should he contribute more than half, if there's a chance she will leave him for someone else in 5 years?

Me personally, I choose carefully for getting married, and that includes real discussions about finances and everything else in life. If you are not on a similar page for most things, then don't get married. But I cannot imagine being married to someone who views finances as "theirs" and"mine" We are a team, and as such we do what financially benefits the entire family most. I don't go thru life planning as if my marriage is a sham and will be over in 4-5 years.

OP says her daughter has a good job and no debt. It’s entirely possible she’ll end up making the same if not more than her taker DH by the time he pays off his debt.

Haaa..."her taker DH". Let me guess, you are not happily married with that attitude

As long as her DH has the debt, the family unit (two of them plus any kids) are not getting his full salary to utilize. Doesn't matter who makes more or less in actuality. fact is the sooner the debt is paid off, the sooner the interest stops (typically high interest) and the sooner they can start saving jointly that extra money and building wealth. It's not that difficult to understand

Exactly. His income brings in a set amount for the household.

[Anonymous]

Millennial women are not even taking their husband’s last names these days and y’all think they should pay off a husband’s 300,000 to 500,000USD in loans he took out BEFORE THEY EVEN MET? Hell. No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You decide to marry the person as they are, debts and all.Marriage means you are an economic unit. You vowed to take care of that person through thick and thin. And they vowed to take care of you as well. Are you planning to pay for the person's expenses when they are old and need help for medical reasons (if that person has not saved enough in your 50% scheme of paying for household expenses)? Or do you let the person go unattended? Do you plan to have children and make everything 50% when it comes to their activities/education (even if one partner cannot afford to give the 50%)? Do you plan to split all the housework/child care duties exactly 50%? Or will you work as a team to make a home and life for yourselves because you have made a commitment to do that? If you are not ready to give and sacrifice for another person in order to form a family, you are not ready for marriage.

lol. This is what schemers say so they can con their spouse. This isn't $5,000 in credit card debt from undergrad, it's probably closer to $500,000.

+100. People scream about teamwork and sacrifice when they need to scam the other person. If the DH cared about being fair to his wife he wouldn’t ask this.

If this thread was asked in the relationship or family forum pre-wedding about a $400,000 indebted daughter in law to be and a successful and debt free son, 100% of the responses would say don’t marry her or get an airtight prenup.

[Anonymous]

He’ll go buy a Porsche convertible and then cheat on her. Paying off his loans will be the biggest mistake of her life. A real man wouldn’t even ask this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Millennial women are not even taking their husband’s last names these days and y’all think they should pay off a husband’s 300,000 to 500,000USD in loans he took out BEFORE THEY EVEN MET? Hell. No.

It's one of the dumbest positions I've seen on DCUM. Pity the fool who pays off their spouse's $500,000 student loan debt, then his plane goes down the next day, or he leaves her a decade later for another woman. It's a stupid amount of risk.

[Anonymous]

"A real man wouldn't even ask this"

BINGO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"A real man wouldn't even ask this"

BINGO!

A real man, especially a doctor, should be smart enough to not get married in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are married. Their money is combined regardless.

unless they don't have a joint bank account, don't have kids together that would necessitate a split of expenses, i don't see how they keep their finances completely separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re not meddling, our daughter came to us about this. She has a great career, advanced degree, and zero student debt. She met her husband while he was a medical resident, so all of his debt accumulated not just pre-marriage, but before they even met. It’s an eye popping sum I think in part because he attended prestigious private colleges, while she attended public universities our family could afford.

Should she be helping him wipe out such debts?

Two private colleges when you can’t afford them teases out materialism and a shallow status obsession. Safe bet his spending and poor financial decisions won’t end with the student loans. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are married. Their money is combined regardless.

unless they don't have a joint bank account, don't have kids together that would necessitate a split of expenses, i don't see how they keep their finances completely separate.

Plenty of millennial DINKs keep their finances separate.