Why is my mother so smug?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She hates you and wish you were never born. Happy?

And this contributes to the conversation how?

Narcs hate being recognized for what they do because they have convinced themselves that they are superior to everyone else. When anyone pokes a hole in that veneer, they go on the attack because in their world, everyone else exists to validate their beliefs, lifestyles, and actions.

If she’s a true narc, contradicting her will only extend the conflict as she will do the same thing back. If you don’t want to play her game, you’ll just have to step away. She doesn’t need to know your plans, does she? And if she whines and feels left out, just tell her you have no interest in playing her game with her.

[Anonymous]

Op, Tell her the relationship you and she have now should be more like friends. Now that you are older. Point out to her that she would not make these comments to a friend - not if she expected to keep the friend.

She doesn't need to agree with you. She could likely say she's your Mother and gets to say what she wants. I'd still say the above and then feel free to alter your interactions based on her rudeness.

[Anonymous]

This was my mother. I stopped telling her anything personal.

[Anonymous]

Two options: When it happens, do your best impersonation of a happy person who feels confused by, and maybe a little sorry for, people who are that negative about everything: "Boring? Not when they're so much fun stuff to do around here. And now we'll be around for all of it!" "Kinda hard to worry about grass much when we're so lucky in so many ways."

Or you can call her out on it: "There it is! Should I put 'Thinks you have to travel to have a good summer' down as the negative comment for this phone call, or are you going to have something else? I keep a list. Eventually I'll make bingo boards."

[Anonymous]

Reduce contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's a know it all.

My mom was the same way. Loved her dearly and she was a great mom, but she had really poor EQ and was terrible at conversations.

This. Definitely just a sign of weak social skills and/or anxiety.

[Anonymous]

I would try to be kind to her rather than confrontational or negative. You could say something like: "We have a good time at home too so it'll be fun and we are all just so happy about the promotion!" and "You may be right about grass seed, I'll be interested to see what happens" and then move on to another topic. Maybe if you practice responding with kindness and positivity it might rub off on her. In any case, don't let her negativity rub off on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would try to be kind to her rather than confrontational or negative. You could say something like: "We have a good time at home too so it'll be fun and we are all just so happy about the promotion!" and "You may be right about grass seed, I'll be interested to see what happens" and then move on to another topic. Maybe if you practice responding with kindness and positivity it might rub off on her. In any case, don't let her negativity rub off on you.

This is how normal people deflect and react. DCUM has no place for normal interactions.

I feel OP wants to take offense and so she does.

[Anonymous]

My husband does this sometimes, and it's SO IRRITATING. Even for things he doesn't know anything about!

I tell him he's being annoying on the spot.

[Anonymous]

I blame old age in part. My mother can be a little bit like this in her late 70s. The truth is, she doesn’t have that much going on so she fixates on certain things.

They are not going to change at this point and rather than try to change them I just kind of go with the flow and can almost be like a fun game when you know what she is going to say. At the end of the day it’s annoying, but who cares if she thinks you’re going to have a boring summer? Does she even think that or she just saying that at the moment.

Redirecting is always a good strategy. “Yeah it’s a bummer we are not going on vacation but oh well. There’s always next year. How is Aunt Edna?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, Tell her the relationship you and she have now should be more like friends. Now that you are older. Point out to her that she would not make these comments to a friend - not if she expected to keep the friend.

She doesn't need to agree with you. She could likely say she's your Mother and gets to say what she wants. I'd still say the above and then feel free to alter your interactions based on her rudeness.

I had this exact exchange with my mother. She criticizes everything about me and I said "would you speak this way to your sister? Family is one thing but this is out of control." And she said "after all I've done for you I'm not going to censor myself." So I've cut back on our time together and talking.

[Anonymous]

Schadenfreude (/ˈʃɑːdənfrɔɪdə/; German: [ˈʃaːdn̩ˌfʁɔʏ̯də]; lit. Tooltip literal translation 'harm-joy') is the experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfaction that comes from learning of or witnessing the troubles, failures, pain, or humiliation of another.

Make her a schadenfreude pie.

https://whatever.scalzi.com/2006/09/26/how-to-make-a-schadenfreude-pie/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask her. “Mom, why would you assume our summer is going to be boring just because we’re not traveling? Why does your response have to be so negative? And why do you say it with a slight tone of satisfaction?” Hopefully it can make her aware of how she’s coming across, and if she keeps doing it at some point, you could add the statement that it makes you not want to share things with her because you know she will react by saying something negative.

People like this don't respond well if you point it out to them.

[Anonymous]

I've seen older parents do this because they at some level resent that their kids have gotten so much more from life than they ever have. So many mothers didn't have the opportunities we have now.

I just find it sad.

[Anonymous]

Negative or maybe anxious about things going wrong. I'd just say 'don't worry' for everything so she stops fretting.