Helping your kid develop more positive, productive traits

[Anonymous]

If your DC has certain negative personality characteristics you’d like then to lose for their own good, how did you help them? For example, if they are too selfish, too arrogant, too bossy, too sensitive, or too focused on possessions. Did they grow out of it and become better people.

Or if your kid loses patience easily and gives up on stuff or gets frustrated or angry when things don’t go their way, did they calm down and stop taking failure so personally? My DC can be like this at age 9 and I know it will not serve him well I the long run, especially when it comes to his studies.

[Anonymous]

One strategy: lots of praise when you see the attitude you want to see. Not praise for finishing the task but praise if you catch them shaking something off or giving up but then going back to something. And pointing out, casually and positively, when you see that behavior in others. “Looked like Alex really got frustrated at baseball today. Did you see him throw his glove? That wasn’t cool. But I was impressed that he really calmed down after the coach talked to him and went back in there and pitched the third inning.”

Kids definitely can change. One of mine was pretty painfully shy and hesitant to do hard things. We tried not to put pressure on to be our idealized child but gave lots of opportunities to succeed and grow confidence while we maintained just kind of quiet, confident expectations that he’d be able to do xyz things we knew he was capable of, praised when he succeeded, and calmly said “yeah, that was hard, huh? You’ll get it next time” when he didn’t. By high school, he was like a different kid d - still can be slow to warm but confidently advocating for himself in all kinds of situations and taking on hard tasks to challenge himself. I think the equivalent for an easy to anger kid would be still having those emotions, but recognizing them and shaking them off and moving on. I’d work on those skills rather than thinking about it as trying to change his personality.

[Anonymous]

I agree that kids can change but you really do have to work on it. I have a 14 year old boy who used to not be able to control his anger at 8/9 and he can now. Similar to the pp, we praised when he was calm, praised him for making good decisions, and worked on effective communication. It’s a work in progress, but he’s doing really well now.

But don’t be afraid to pursue help form your pediatrician or a therapist, and I’m not anti-meds for kids who need it. Don’t be afraid of those either. Read what you can and reach out for help. Be consistent but use loving boundaries in your approach.

[Anonymous]

My kid used to give up easily and say things were too hard. I actually forced her to do those things until she saw significant improvement. Example - piano. She would scream, cry, throw the book, and crawl under the piano bench. I just sat there until the storm passed then asked her to return to the bench to finish the piece. After a few months, no tantrums. After a few years, she loves practicing and does it all the time without me. When things got really hard I'd ask 'how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.' And we'd break down the piece and work on it measure by measure. Afterwards I'd explain everything that's hard in life can be solved by breaking it down into bit sized chunks. This has payed off in spades. I also explain to her that she needs to treat herself with the kindness she would show a good friend when she makes mistakes.

[Anonymous]

You work on building grit and perseverance. Not letting them quit when things get hard, working through it calmly. Its really hard. We also do piano and its the hardest thing DD does at 8. Her teacher is nice but expects a lot and a lot of practice to get the hard stuff correct. So we break it down to small pieces. And i always say "this is hard, we can do hard things".

[Anonymous]

I agree that making kids do those hard things are worth it. Parents are quick to let their kids quit because the parent doesn’t like to see the kid sad and it doesn’t feel worth it to push, but it’s often worth it.

[Anonymous]

I think it's good to call kids out on things when they're young and give them the structure and opportunity to change.

I was a huge complainer growing up, and my parents never said anything about it. They were complainers, too. In hindsight it was a way I dealt with my anxiety or tried to bond with people. It wasn't effective but I couldn't see that.

Not until grad school- grad school!- did someone say something. I'm so grateful to my classmate and friend who randomly said one day, "you know, you complain a lot." He was right! I felt so bad because I realized I actually wasn't a negative person but I'd been only sharing my negative thoughts with others, and not the optimistic, interested person I really am. I've been so much happier since I realized that but wish I'd been given the opportunity to change at a much younger age.

[Anonymous]

We're struggling with this with our 8 year old right now also. DC is in a sport and plays in a youth orchestra and claims they love both and for most of the year says they want to continue both, but when it comes to the end of the year evaluation/try out season, they crack under pressure and don't want to go to practice (or practice their instrument at home).

I'm torn between pushing them to take it seriously and force them to practice, and feeling like I'm being a helicopter parent and making them do an activity they claim to not want to do (or just do at a surface level without any competitions or evaluations). DH says he was like that as a kid and wishes his parents pushed him more. I worry maybe DC is feeling overextended and if they'll feel like we "forced" them to do activities they didn't really want to do.