My ex gave my allergic kid unsafe candy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a tween, so old enough that she wouldn’t usually eat unlabeled candy, but could easily assume that candy her own mother hid specifically for her would be safe. Luckily she didn’t, but not sure how to proceed.

Suggest mom be more careful. Do you have reason to think she would intentionally harm your child?

How would you want her to react if roles were reversed?

Intentionally? No. But she can definitely be negligent.

I am not sure how this impacts the precautions I expect my kid to take. She is really good about carrying safe snacks, waiting to eat at home if she can’t read labels and be sure it’s safe etc . . . but those strategies assume that food from home is safe.

Well, now that messaging can be tweaked a bit. Glad she is ok.

My kid had anaphylaxis once when she was too young to read, was pretty traumatic for both of us. Restaurant error though, not from a parent. Teach kiddo to ALWAYS check.

But what does that look like at home with the parent. I can’t imagine coming home from the grocery store and expecting a child to check the ingredients, or to ask in detail how you prepared dinner.

How would that play out in your house?

We don't keep my kid's allergens in the home so it really cuts down on risk. I tend to cook with whole foods.

What did mom have to say? Does she commonly keep and cook with DD's allergens?

You may want to post this on the Kids with Food Allergies site.

Mom hasn’t spoken to me about it. She told the kid the kid should have been reading labels, but the candy was removed from packaging and put into eggs with my kid’s name on them.

I had assumed that mom wasn’t bringing allergies into the home. I no longer feel like that is a safe assumption.

What do you mean by unsafe candy? Was it a peanut M&M and she's allergic to peanuts or is it some candy that may have been made in a facility that may have nuts?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP, I have a severely allergic child and I know it is a source of anxiety 100% of the time.

But you’re letting your feelings for your ex impact your reaction. My in-laws recently gave my allergic child a candy with nuts, and literally as she ate it called me into the room to ask which nuts she was allergic to again. My kid is 3 and I reminded her that nothing gets eaten before I check it. You need to remind your daughter that when candy is unwrapped she should still ask, not because her mother is unsafe which is what you’re trying to imply, but because it builds strong and self protective habits. There will always be people who are supposed to have your daughters best interest at heart— and do— who will mess up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted above, but I would also add.. please run out today and buy some safe replacement candy for your kid! She deserves it! My child has always given away candy too and I keep safe candy for him to have. I am sure that you trusted your ex to have some, but since they did not, please buy some for your kid!

Other family members had gotten allergen safe candy for all the kids, and her cousins traded with her once we realized what had happened. So, she had candy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a tween, so old enough that she wouldn’t usually eat unlabeled candy, but could easily assume that candy her own mother hid specifically for her would be safe. Luckily she didn’t, but not sure how to proceed.

Suggest mom be more careful. Do you have reason to think she would intentionally harm your child?

How would you want her to react if roles were reversed?

Intentionally? No. But she can definitely be negligent.

I am not sure how this impacts the precautions I expect my kid to take. She is really good about carrying safe snacks, waiting to eat at home if she can’t read labels and be sure it’s safe etc . . . but those strategies assume that food from home is safe.

Well, now that messaging can be tweaked a bit. Glad she is ok.

My kid had anaphylaxis once when she was too young to read, was pretty traumatic for both of us. Restaurant error though, not from a parent. Teach kiddo to ALWAYS check.

But what does that look like at home with the parent. I can’t imagine coming home from the grocery store and expecting a child to check the ingredients, or to ask in detail how you prepared dinner.

How would that play out in your house?

We don't keep my kid's allergens in the home so it really cuts down on risk. I tend to cook with whole foods.

What did mom have to say? Does she commonly keep and cook with DD's allergens?

You may want to post this on the Kids with Food Allergies site.

Mom hasn’t spoken to me about it. She told the kid the kid should have been reading labels, but the candy was removed from packaging and put into eggs with my kid’s name on them.

I had assumed that mom wasn’t bringing allergies into the home. I no longer feel like that is a safe assumption.

What do you mean by unsafe candy? Was it a peanut M&M and she's allergic to peanuts or is it some candy that may have been made in a facility that may have nuts?

It was little wrapped chocolates that had filling that she is allergic to. But the individual chocolates weren’t labeled, just the bag that had been thrown away.

But not like peanut m and ms that look different.

I spotted it because I had seen the same candies in the store and checked the ingredients because they were cute so when my youngest texted me “look at my candy” it clicked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a tween, so old enough that she wouldn’t usually eat unlabeled candy, but could easily assume that candy her own mother hid specifically for her would be safe. Luckily she didn’t, but not sure how to proceed.

Suggest mom be more careful. Do you have reason to think she would intentionally harm your child?

How would you want her to react if roles were reversed?

Intentionally? No. But she can definitely be negligent.

I am not sure how this impacts the precautions I expect my kid to take. She is really good about carrying safe snacks, waiting to eat at home if she can’t read labels and be sure it’s safe etc . . . but those strategies assume that food from home is safe.

Well, now that messaging can be tweaked a bit. Glad she is ok.

My kid had anaphylaxis once when she was too young to read, was pretty traumatic for both of us. Restaurant error though, not from a parent. Teach kiddo to ALWAYS check.

But what does that look like at home with the parent. I can’t imagine coming home from the grocery store and expecting a child to check the ingredients, or to ask in detail how you prepared dinner.

How would that play out in your house?

We don't keep my kid's allergens in the home so it really cuts down on risk. I tend to cook with whole foods.

What did mom have to say? Does she commonly keep and cook with DD's allergens?

You may want to post this on the Kids with Food Allergies site.

Mom hasn’t spoken to me about it. She told the kid the kid should have been reading labels, but the candy was removed from packaging and put into eggs with my kid’s name on them.

I had assumed that mom wasn’t bringing allergies into the home. I no longer feel like that is a safe assumption.

I'm sorry. If it's a nut allergy and the candy is a one time slip, meals are probably ok. What does your schedule look like? Does mom have any addiction or mental health issues or was this a one time mistake? If not, I think the default when there may have to be eating packaged food with labels or child making simple meals herself if you think meals are an issue. Are there multiple kids and adults in her mom's home or just the 2 of them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid is scared. I feel as though she has good self protection skills for a middle schooler. She knows how to read a label, and how to order in a restaurant. She is super cautious about eating outside of home, and often will just choose to eat the emergency snacks she carries in her backpack or ask for a piece of fruit she can peel or wash herself.

But she still relies on me to keep the groceries in the fridge allergen free, or to not use allergens in a recipe. If I serve dinner she trusts me that what is on the table is safe.

I hear people saying that the onus for being safe is on her, but I don’t know how that works for a child at home. She isn’t the one shopping or cooking. She can’t use a strategy like waiting till she’s back with me, or only eating packaged snacks when she is there for a week.

I should also add that it bothers me that my kid gave away all her candy from her school party, and didn’t participate in the church Easter egg hunt because of safety concerns. So she was looking forward to her safe candy that wasn’t safe.

I hear you. That really sucks.

Consider :

How old is teen? Can she cook or assist?

How often is teen over there? What meals? Does she eat packaged things like bread and meat that she can read the label? If mom serves pasta with sauce, was the pasta from a box or does mom keep it loose in a jar? Is the sauce homemade or from a jar with cheese label?

Is your ex unreliable in general? How do you feel? Was it an honest mistake and she mixed it up with candy for another kid? How did DD find out it was unsafe? Was mom apologetic?

If I were you, I would have a conversation with mom, preferably over text or email, not being accusatory but just clarifying, does she follow the same rule as you about not bringing allergen into house, and is there anything you can do to help?

She isn’t a teen, she’s younger than that. We have 50/50. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a child to be cooking all their meals on half their days.

I have other concerns about safety and reliability but I thought she was ok on this. My understanding was that they were keeping an allergen free house, but now I don’t know.

Mom doesn’t talk to me all communication goes through 3rd parties. From those third parties my understanding is that she is not apologetic and is angry that I “interfered” on her day.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand your upset and anxiety but don't think you can extrapolate from a mistake with Easter candy to no meals are safe there.

I think you need to speak with ex. If she keeps allergens in the house, plan accordingly. If not, just keep encouraging DD to be careful and self advocate.

It's hard, I get it. Glad she is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid is scared. I feel as though she has good self protection skills for a middle schooler. She knows how to read a label, and how to order in a restaurant. She is super cautious about eating outside of home, and often will just choose to eat the emergency snacks she carries in her backpack or ask for a piece of fruit she can peel or wash herself.

But she still relies on me to keep the groceries in the fridge allergen free, or to not use allergens in a recipe. If I serve dinner she trusts me that what is on the table is safe.

I hear people saying that the onus for being safe is on her, but I don’t know how that works for a child at home. She isn’t the one shopping or cooking. She can’t use a strategy like waiting till she’s back with me, or only eating packaged snacks when she is there for a week.

I should also add that it bothers me that my kid gave away all her candy from her school party, and didn’t participate in the church Easter egg hunt because of safety concerns. So she was looking forward to her safe candy that wasn’t safe.

I hear you. That really sucks.

Consider :

How old is teen? Can she cook or assist?

How often is teen over there? What meals? Does she eat packaged things like bread and meat that she can read the label? If mom serves pasta with sauce, was the pasta from a box or does mom keep it loose in a jar? Is the sauce homemade or from a jar with cheese label?

Is your ex unreliable in general? How do you feel? Was it an honest mistake and she mixed it up with candy for another kid? How did DD find out it was unsafe? Was mom apologetic?

If I were you, I would have a conversation with mom, preferably over text or email, not being accusatory but just clarifying, does she follow the same rule as you about not bringing allergen into house, and is there anything you can do to help?

She isn’t a teen, she’s younger than that. We have 50/50. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a child to be cooking all their meals on half their days.

I have other concerns about safety and reliability but I thought she was ok on this. My understanding was that they were keeping an allergen free house, but now I don’t know.

Mom doesn’t talk to me all communication goes through 3rd parties. From those third parties my understanding is that she is not apologetic and is angry that I “interfered” on her day.

Is the allergen something like nuts that would typically be visible in meals? Or something like soy or egg that is not?

I think if it is something visible then DD will likely be ok with meals. If not, then as much as it sucks, pre-packaged food or things she can make like eggs may be the way to go.

Keep documenting everything but courts are not likely to do much re: stuff like this ime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid is scared. I feel as though she has good self protection skills for a middle schooler. She knows how to read a label, and how to order in a restaurant. She is super cautious about eating outside of home, and often will just choose to eat the emergency snacks she carries in her backpack or ask for a piece of fruit she can peel or wash herself.

But she still relies on me to keep the groceries in the fridge allergen free, or to not use allergens in a recipe. If I serve dinner she trusts me that what is on the table is safe.

I hear people saying that the onus for being safe is on her, but I don’t know how that works for a child at home. She isn’t the one shopping or cooking. She can’t use a strategy like waiting till she’s back with me, or only eating packaged snacks when she is there for a week.

I should also add that it bothers me that my kid gave away all her candy from her school party, and didn’t participate in the church Easter egg hunt because of safety concerns. So she was looking forward to her safe candy that wasn’t safe.

I hear you. That really sucks.

Consider :

How old is teen? Can she cook or assist?

How often is teen over there? What meals? Does she eat packaged things like bread and meat that she can read the label? If mom serves pasta with sauce, was the pasta from a box or does mom keep it loose in a jar? Is the sauce homemade or from a jar with cheese label?

Is your ex unreliable in general? How do you feel? Was it an honest mistake and she mixed it up with candy for another kid? How did DD find out it was unsafe? Was mom apologetic?

If I were you, I would have a conversation with mom, preferably over text or email, not being accusatory but just clarifying, does she follow the same rule as you about not bringing allergen into house, and is there anything you can do to help?

She isn’t a teen, she’s younger than that. We have 50/50. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a child to be cooking all their meals on half their days.

I have other concerns about safety and reliability but I thought she was ok on this. My understanding was that they were keeping an allergen free house, but now I don’t know.

Mom doesn’t talk to me all communication goes through 3rd parties. From those third parties my understanding is that she is not apologetic and is angry that I “interfered” on her day.

Is the allergen something like nuts that would typically be visible in meals? Or something like soy or egg that is not?

I think if it is something visible then DD will likely be ok with meals. If not, then as much as it sucks, pre-packaged food or things she can make like eggs may be the way to go.

Keep documenting everything but courts are not likely to do much re: stuff like this ime.

Nuts get hidden in lots of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a tween, so old enough that she wouldn’t usually eat unlabeled candy, but could easily assume that candy her own mother hid specifically for her would be safe. Luckily she didn’t, but not sure how to proceed.

Suggest mom be more careful. Do you have reason to think she would intentionally harm your child?

How would you want her to react if roles were reversed?

Intentionally? No. But she can definitely be negligent.

I am not sure how this impacts the precautions I expect my kid to take. She is really good about carrying safe snacks, waiting to eat at home if she can’t read labels and be sure it’s safe etc . . . but those strategies assume that food from home is safe.

Well, now that messaging can be tweaked a bit. Glad she is ok.

My kid had anaphylaxis once when she was too young to read, was pretty traumatic for both of us. Restaurant error though, not from a parent. Teach kiddo to ALWAYS check.

But what does that look like at home with the parent. I can’t imagine coming home from the grocery store and expecting a child to check the ingredients, or to ask in detail how you prepared dinner.

How would that play out in your house?

It may not be practical for your ex to permanently remove the allergen from her home. And you haven’t said what the allergy is, so I don’t know how worried I would be that mom is cooking with, say, peanuts every day.

As for candy, I would ask her to leave all candy in the wrappers in the future so your child can check ingredients to ensure safety before eating anything (fun size candies all have wrappers, hershey kisses have individual wrappers and the little stem often says the flavor, etc). Teach your child not to eat candy that isn’t wrapped and easily identifiable.

[Anonymous]

Gosh OP I’m sorry you and her aren’t together anymore but it sounds like the ex has moved on.

Absent a true concern that the ex is intentionally trying to harm the child- hour detective work on a photo of unwrapped candy is just too weird. To me you sound like a bitter yet still enmeshed ex who can’t move on. Fact is either you or the ex is crazy if you need a third party communication system/ but that’s another issue. Leave her alone and stop putting your kid in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid is scared. I feel as though she has good self protection skills for a middle schooler. She knows how to read a label, and how to order in a restaurant. She is super cautious about eating outside of home, and often will just choose to eat the emergency snacks she carries in her backpack or ask for a piece of fruit she can peel or wash herself.

But she still relies on me to keep the groceries in the fridge allergen free, or to not use allergens in a recipe. If I serve dinner she trusts me that what is on the table is safe.

I hear people saying that the onus for being safe is on her, but I don’t know how that works for a child at home. She isn’t the one shopping or cooking. She can’t use a strategy like waiting till she’s back with me, or only eating packaged snacks when she is there for a week.

I should also add that it bothers me that my kid gave away all her candy from her school party, and didn’t participate in the church Easter egg hunt because of safety concerns. So she was looking forward to her safe candy that wasn’t safe.

I hear you. That really sucks.

Consider :

How old is teen? Can she cook or assist?

How often is teen over there? What meals? Does she eat packaged things like bread and meat that she can read the label? If mom serves pasta with sauce, was the pasta from a box or does mom keep it loose in a jar? Is the sauce homemade or from a jar with cheese label?

Is your ex unreliable in general? How do you feel? Was it an honest mistake and she mixed it up with candy for another kid? How did DD find out it was unsafe? Was mom apologetic?

If I were you, I would have a conversation with mom, preferably over text or email, not being accusatory but just clarifying, does she follow the same rule as you about not bringing allergen into house, and is there anything you can do to help?

She isn’t a teen, she’s younger than that. We have 50/50. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a child to be cooking all their meals on half their days.

I have other concerns about safety and reliability but I thought she was ok on this. My understanding was that they were keeping an allergen free house, but now I don’t know.

Mom doesn’t talk to me all communication goes through 3rd parties. From those third parties my understanding is that she is not apologetic and is angry that I “interfered” on her day.

Mom not talking to you is an issue - is that something that can be solved, and who is the 3rd party? A family member or an objective outsider?

You need to get to a space where you can work together as a team - for your child. It’s hard. I’ve struggled with it mightily with my ex (who actually tells our child that I am a bad parent in colorful language), but it’s required. You need to figure that out. If you have a parenting coordinator, or can find one, who can help you get on the same page about a few things (allergies would be at the top of my list), then pursue that. A family therapist might also be able to help.

Be careful how you handle this though because she’s not likely to forget it if you make a mistake in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The kid is scared. I feel as though she has good self protection skills for a middle schooler. She knows how to read a label, and how to order in a restaurant. She is super cautious about eating outside of home, and often will just choose to eat the emergency snacks she carries in her backpack or ask for a piece of fruit she can peel or wash herself.

But she still relies on me to keep the groceries in the fridge allergen free, or to not use allergens in a recipe. If I serve dinner she trusts me that what is on the table is safe.

I hear people saying that the onus for being safe is on her, but I don’t know how that works for a child at home. She isn’t the one shopping or cooking. She can’t use a strategy like waiting till she’s back with me, or only eating packaged snacks when she is there for a week.

I should also add that it bothers me that my kid gave away all her candy from her school party, and didn’t participate in the church Easter egg hunt because of safety concerns. So she was looking forward to her safe candy that wasn’t safe.

I hear you. That really sucks.

Consider :

How old is teen? Can she cook or assist?

How often is teen over there? What meals? Does she eat packaged things like bread and meat that she can read the label? If mom serves pasta with sauce, was the pasta from a box or does mom keep it loose in a jar? Is the sauce homemade or from a jar with cheese label?

Is your ex unreliable in general? How do you feel? Was it an honest mistake and she mixed it up with candy for another kid? How did DD find out it was unsafe? Was mom apologetic?

If I were you, I would have a conversation with mom, preferably over text or email, not being accusatory but just clarifying, does she follow the same rule as you about not bringing allergen into house, and is there anything you can do to help?

She isn’t a teen, she’s younger than that. We have 50/50. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect a child to be cooking all their meals on half their days.

I have other concerns about safety and reliability but I thought she was ok on this. My understanding was that they were keeping an allergen free house, but now I don’t know.

Mom doesn’t talk to me all communication goes through 3rd parties. From those third parties my understanding is that she is not apologetic and is angry that I “interfered” on her day.

Mom not talking to you is an issue - is that something that can be solved, and who is the 3rd party? A family member or an objective outsider?

You need to get to a space where you can work together as a team - for your child. It’s hard. I’ve struggled with it mightily with my ex (who actually tells our child that I am a bad parent in colorful language), but it’s required. You need to figure that out. If you have a parenting coordinator, or can find one, who can help you get on the same page about a few things (allergies would be at the top of my list), then pursue that. A family therapist might also be able to help.

Be careful how you handle this though because she’s not likely to forget it if you make a mistake in the future.

Good advice. And I’m sorry- mine says he hope I kill myself in front of our kids. They’re the best, these men, eh?

[Anonymous]

Honestly it feels like you’re looking for ways to bad mouth your ex and story up bad feelings about her with your daughter. Yes she made a mistake. And yes it was dangerous. But we’ve all done something that could have had serious adverse consequences. No one is perfect.

You didn’t need to post here. You know what to do. You make sure your daughter knows not to eat anything without a label. And you make sure she knows that everyone makes mistakes - including you. It’s u fortunate that her mom erred but she didn’t mean harm. And then you move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a tween, so old enough that she wouldn’t usually eat unlabeled candy, but could easily assume that candy her own mother hid specifically for her would be safe. Luckily she didn’t, but not sure how to proceed.

Suggest mom be more careful. Do you have reason to think she would intentionally harm your child?

How would you want her to react if roles were reversed?

Intentionally? No. But she can definitely be negligent.

I am not sure how this impacts the precautions I expect my kid to take. She is really good about carrying safe snacks, waiting to eat at home if she can’t read labels and be sure it’s safe etc . . . but those strategies assume that food from home is safe.

Well, now that messaging can be tweaked a bit. Glad she is ok.

My kid had anaphylaxis once when she was too young to read, was pretty traumatic for both of us. Restaurant error though, not from a parent. Teach kiddo to ALWAYS check.

But what does that look like at home with the parent. I can’t imagine coming home from the grocery store and expecting a child to check the ingredients, or to ask in detail how you prepared dinner.

How would that play out in your house?

We don't keep my kid's allergens in the home so it really cuts down on risk. I tend to cook with whole foods.

What did mom have to say? Does she commonly keep and cook with DD's allergens?

You may want to post this on the Kids with Food Allergies site.

Mom hasn’t spoken to me about it. She told the kid the kid should have been reading labels, but the candy was removed from packaging and put into eggs with my kid’s name on them.

I had assumed that mom wasn’t bringing allergies into the home. I no longer feel like that is a safe assumption.

What do you mean by unsafe candy? Was it a peanut M&M and she's allergic to peanuts or is it some candy that may have been made in a facility that may have nuts?

It was little wrapped chocolates that had filling that she is allergic to. But the individual chocolates weren’t labeled, just the bag that had been thrown away.

But not like peanut m and ms that look different.

I spotted it because I had seen the same candies in the store and checked the ingredients because they were cute so when my youngest texted me

“look at my candy” it clicked.

What is this unusual candy you and your ex recently became aware of?