Ex planned birthday party without me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say thank you for planning it then show up and enjoy the time with your child.

Yes, do that. Show up with a big present for your kid and a fake cast around your foot. Thank the GF loudly for planning it. Be very gracious and pleasant. Say hello to all your old friends. Don't let them sense any tension between you and the two clowns, Take lots of pictures and put it on social media even as the party progresses. Take pictures with the birthday kid and all the friends. And do not lift a finger to help (point at your cast and tell them that you have sprained your foot). Think of ex and his gf as your event planners who are doing all the labor. Also, do not pay them a dime for hosting the party.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We divorced over 3 years ago. Every birthday party has been joint for both of our kids (although I did get upset 2 years ago when he and his brand new gf planned my child's party at the gf's house without even collaborating with me).

Today I asked ex about making birthday party plans, and he said he amd his gf already have it all planned out and booked a venue. He then invited me, but clearly as an afterthought, and said "if you want to be there." Then he acted confused about whether birthday parties for our kids are planned jointly and attended by both parents. I have never planned a party without consulting with him about dates that work for both of us.

I don't need advice, just perhaps someone to tell me my hurt feelings are valid. As a mother, who sacrifices a lot to raise our kids, it feels like a gut punch being excluded from my child's birthday party.

God my sister was just like you. Her ex had his own life and their child had a separate life with his father in his father's neighborhood. He even did a sports team in that neighborhood. My sister was livid anytime anything was planned and she was included, they are divorced! We tried and tried to get my sister to back off on this joint parenting garbage, it clearly was not what her ex wanted and quite frankly, it did not need to happen. Fast forward to many years later, her son has no relationship with his father because my sister made it impossible for the father to have a life outside of her. She interfered in everything. Get your own life, throw your own parties and enjoy your child. This is not a problem for the dad, it is on you. P.S. no way would I want to attend a part with my husband's new gf, I can't imagine why you would put him in a position to ask you to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are right to feel offended. His GF also seems to be very low class and selfish. Tell him that they cannot plan birthdays without input and participation from you. Be firm about it.

Finally, let it go. There is a reason he is your Ex. Be prepared to have more issues from him in the future. He is a complete ahole and jerk.

LOL. Or what?!

[Anonymous]

s/b she was not included

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are right to feel offended. His GF also seems to be very low class and selfish. Tell him that they cannot plan birthdays without input and participation from you. Be firm about it.

Finally, let it go. There is a reason he is your Ex. Be prepared to have more issues from him in the future. He is a complete ahole and jerk.

LOL. Or what?!

I know, what a joke. He doesn't answer to her any longer and he has the right to celebrate with his child especially if it is an agreed upon visitation schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say thank you for planning it then show up and enjoy the time with your child.

Yes, do that. Show up with a big present for your kid and a fake cast around your foot. Thank the GF loudly for planning it. Be very gracious and pleasant. Say hello to all your old friends. Don't let them sense any tension between you and the two clowns, Take lots of pictures and put it on social media even as the party progresses. Take pictures with the birthday kid and all the friends. And do not lift a finger to help (point at your cast and tell them that you have sprained your foot). Think of ex and his gf as your event planners who are doing all the labor. Also, do not pay them a dime for hosting the party.

I already feel sorry for Op's kid, especially if she is as immature as you are suggesting she be with this post. Why would Op put herself through this? Just have your own party, family dinner, whatever. Let him do his thing and for goodness sake, don't let your child see your hostility about it.

[Anonymous]

As a divorced parent, I can plan any activities I want on the days I am scheduled to have my kids. I don't need to coordinate with their other parent. We're divorced for a reason.

I also think setting up the expectation that both parents are at the same birthday party seems really weird and confusing to the kid. I would drop that and say "This year you're with Dad on the weekend after your birthday, so you'll have your party with him. On the years you're with me, you'll have it with me." And then, since you don't have to pay for the party, do something extra fun on the years you don't have the party, like take kid and one friend to Great Wolf Lodge or an amusement park.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a divorced parent, I can plan any activities I want on the days I am scheduled to have my kids. I don't need to coordinate with their other parent. We're divorced for a reason.

I also think setting up the expectation that both parents are at the same birthday party seems really weird and confusing to the kid. I would drop that and say "This year you're with Dad on the weekend after your birthday, so you'll have your party with him. On the years you're with me, you'll have it with me." And then, since you don't have to pay for the party, do something extra fun on the years you don't have the party, like take kid and one friend to Great Wolf Lodge or an amusement park.

I think this is a healthy way to plan things and likely the norm. Over the years my kids have been close with 3 kids from divorced families. All the families planned the "big party" based on custody birthday weekend. Then the non-party planning parent might plan something special to do with just family and as kids got older maybe bring a friend or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just have your own party for the kid.

Lol, I can just see the posts now: My son is friends with Larlo, whose parents are divorced. DS got invited to Larlo's birthday party and happily went and I sent DS with a nice gift. Now we just got an invitation for ANOTHER birthday party for Larlo, this one hosted by his mom. Do I have to send another gift of the same value? Can I skip giving a gift since DS already gave one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have your own party for the kid.

Lol, I can just see the posts now: My son is friends with Larlo, whose parents are divorced. DS got invited to Larlo's birthday party and happily went and I sent DS with a nice gift. Now we just got an invitation for ANOTHER birthday party for Larlo, this one hosted by his mom. Do I have to send another gift of the same value? Can I skip giving a gift since DS already gave one?

I love that your takeaway is how you might be expected to provide two gifts. (you don't, by the way).

Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have your own party for the kid.

Lol, I can just see the posts now: My son is friends with Larlo, whose parents are divorced. DS got invited to Larlo's birthday party and happily went and I sent DS with a nice gift. Now we just got an invitation for ANOTHER birthday party for Larlo, this one hosted by his mom. Do I have to send another gift of the same value? Can I skip giving a gift since DS already gave one?

While somebody may post this on dcum, I really don't think this is a big deal in real life. Kids don't open presents at parties anymore and a lot of people have no present parties anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We divorced over 3 years ago. Every birthday party has been joint for both of our kids (although I did get upset 2 years ago when he and his brand new gf planned my child's party at the gf's house without even collaborating with me).

Today I asked ex about making birthday party plans, and he said he amd his gf already have it all planned out and booked a venue. He then invited me, but clearly as an afterthought, and said "if you want to be there." Then he acted confused about whether birthday parties for our kids are planned jointly and attended by both parents. I have never planned a party without consulting with him about dates that work for both of us.

I don't need advice, just perhaps someone to tell me my hurt feelings are valid. As a mother, who sacrifices a lot to raise our kids, it feels like a gut punch being excluded from my child's birthday party.

God my sister was just like you. Her ex had his own life and their child had a separate life with his father in his father's neighborhood. He even did a sports team in that neighborhood. My sister was livid anytime anything was planned and she was included, they are divorced! We tried and tried to get my sister to back off on this joint parenting garbage, it clearly was not what her ex wanted and quite frankly, it did not need to happen. Fast forward to many years later, her son has no relationship with his father because my sister made it impossible for the father to have a life outside of her. She interfered in everything. Get your own life, throw your own parties and enjoy your child. This is not a problem for the dad, it is on you. P.S. no way would I want to attend a part with my husband's new gf, I can't imagine why you would put him in a position to ask you to do so.

This is what most moms want. Dad is a paycheck and that’s it.

[Anonymous]

How old is the birthday kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a divorced parent, I can plan any activities I want on the days I am scheduled to have my kids. I don't need to coordinate with their other parent. We're divorced for a reason.

I also think setting up the expectation that both parents are at the same birthday party seems really weird and confusing to the kid. I would drop that and say "This year you're with Dad on the weekend after your birthday, so you'll have your party with him. On the years you're with me, you'll have it with me." And then, since you don't have to pay for the party, do something extra fun on the years you don't have the party, like take kid and one friend to Great Wolf Lodge or an amusement park.

As a (different) divorced parent who co-hosts kids birthday parties with my ex, it's not weird or confusing to our kids at all. It's normal to them. I do the planning and organizing, and exDH gives over half the cost and shows up with the drinks while I show up with the food. It's normal because it's what we've taught the kids to be used to. They are thrilled to have both parents at the same events and getting along.