How to respond (if at all) to bf's high conflict baby mama

[Anonymous]

I have been dating my bf for over a year. I started spending time with his daughter about a month ago and now see her regularly during his custody, pick her up from school twice a month during bf's custody weeks out of necessity, and spend the night at their house when she is there.

Because of the way his BM has disrespected me and our relationship, called me names, talked about me/us on social media, and not been willing to respect simple boundaries, she has not been kept in the loop about the escalation of our relationship and me meeting the child as she would have liked. I do not have any interest in meeting her at this time and my boyfriend respects this fully. After I met the child for the first time, she sent me a facebook message--the gist of which was "I'm glad BF is happy and you'll be in daughter's life I just want to meet you, I'm not a bad person he just made me angry " It sounded nice enough, but she was still leaving him angry voicemails, telling him he's not allowed to let me spend the night, calling him names, telling him he needs to do this that and the other etc. I only read the preview and it wasn't marked "read." A couple of weeks later, after he explained how things were going to be during his parenting weeks, including the fact that it's none of her business who he and their daughter keep company with, and stating clearly that neither of us want to be friends with her at this time, she sent me another message, this time guilting me about how I need to be friends with her because it's the best thing for the kid, she wants to get to know me one on one, take me to lunch, demanded that we all have to sit down together and talk about things. Again, I didn't really "read" it and as far as she knows I didn't see she messaged me at all.

More recently, she sent a christmas gift with the kid containing some borderline insulting gifts for us, clearly just stuff she had at home--cheap face masks, a lotion, and a lip scrub for me, some hot sauce (expired 2020, my bf remembers buying it before he moved out of their house), and a package of "Dude Wipes" for him (I guess?). Then when he did the exchange on Christmas day, I was in the car so he purposely parked far away from her so he could walk the child over to her car and she wouldn't try to approach me. Except she moved her car, pulled up right next to us and got out, and said to bf "Can I say hi?" And he said no, and she said "Really?" and he said yes, really. I don't understand why she refuses to respect that I don't want to be in communication with her and why that is such a problem for her.

So I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to have any kind of relationship with her until she shows she's willing to respect our boundaries. I know she feels disrespected that things are moving forward without her knowledge or consent, and I feel for her, but if she had respected boundaries and not started being nasty months ago it wouldn't be like this. I just feel guilty. My boyfriend says I can do whatever I feel is best and he will support me--left it on delivered, left it on read, block her, respond whatever I want, give back the gifts, or have him tell her to leave me alone.

[Anonymous]

OP again--forgot to say, I don't want advice to get out of the relationship, as well meaning as it is. You can assume that is something I'm considering as well. I really only want to the question posed in this discussion.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like baby momma is learning all of her coping skills from Instagram and YouTube. I can’t offer you any advice just commiserating.

[Anonymous]

I mean you sound immature as well. I'd recommend getting out of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean you sound immature as well. I'd recommend getting out of the relationship.

This. Grow up OP. If you want a relationship with this man then be an adult and address this woman. You can say that you are aware of things she has said about her and do not wish to build a friendship with her.

But if you want to be in this child’s life, then get over yourself and quit being so immature.

[Anonymous]

She only wants to keep tabs on you. She has no interest in you personally. This is a bad situation. Sorry this is happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean you sound immature as well. I'd recommend getting out of the relationship.

This

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t be happy if my child were spending so much time with you and I hadn’t met you. Don’t know what to tell you.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn’t be sleeping in the house when the child is there if you aren’t mature enough to even talk to her mother for 5 minutes during child drop off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean you sound immature as well. I'd recommend getting out of the relationship.

This. Grow up OP. If you want a relationship with this man then be an adult and address this woman. You can say that you are aware of things she has said about her and do not wish to build a friendship with her.

But if you want to be in this child’s life, then get over yourself and quit being so immature.

I don’t believe I’m immature for not willing to meet with someone who has called me a “f****** b**ch” among other disrespecting terms, verbally abuses my partner when given the opportunity, talks shit about me on social media, and will not respect a single boundary that my partner has put up out of respect for me.

[Anonymous]

There’s a child involved so it doesn’t get to be about you and your feelings. Best thing for kid is a civil relationship among adults. Figure out how to get there or get out of the way.

A mom has a right to know the person her kid is around all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean you sound immature as well. I'd recommend getting out of the relationship.

This. Grow up OP. If you want a relationship with this man then be an adult and address this woman. You can say that you are aware of things she has said about her and do not wish to build a friendship with her.

But if you want to be in this child’s life, then get over yourself and quit being so immature.

I don’t believe I’m immature for not willing to meet with someone who has called me a “f****** b**ch” among other disrespecting terms, verbally abuses my partner when given the opportunity, talks shit about me on social media, and will not respect a single boundary that my partner has put up out of respect for me.

Also I want to add that she did these things months to weeks before I had ever even thought about meeting the kid, so it wasn’t in response to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean you sound immature as well. I'd recommend getting out of the relationship.

This. Grow up OP. If you want a relationship with this man then be an adult and address this woman. You can say that you are aware of things she has said about her and do not wish to build a friendship with her.

But if you want to be in this child’s life, then get over yourself and quit being so immature.

I don’t believe I’m immature for not willing to meet with someone who has called me a “f****** b**ch” among other disrespecting terms, verbally abuses my partner when given the opportunity, talks shit about me on social media, and will not respect a single boundary that my partner has put up out of respect for me.

Whether you believe it or not doesn’t really matter. What matters is you’re handling this situation very immaturely by blaming some woman you’ve never even had a conversation with for your problems. Stay off social media, stop listening to your boyfriends messages, take an hour to have a conversation with the mother of the child you’re starting to raise. If you can’t handle that you’re too immature and don’t deserve to be in any type of parenting role to this child. You talk a lot about respect but you’re showing this little girl zero respect by ignoring her mother like you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a child involved so it doesn’t get to be about you and your feelings. Best thing for kid is a civil relationship among adults. Figure out how to get there or get out of the way.

A mom has a right to know the person her kid is around all the time.

NP. All due respect, I don't think OP is the one standing in the way of a "civil relationship". The BM sounds unhinged and since the BF is setting up boundaries she's trying to find a way to cause chaos through the GF.

But I agree that it's the kid who suffers. OP, would your BF be willing to do any kind of co-parenting therapy with BM, and then you all could let the therapist decided what your role would be in those sessions (I'm guessing pretty minimal at first). At the very least, offering to do that would call her bluff about her wanting what's "best for her kid." if she refuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean you sound immature as well. I'd recommend getting out of the relationship.

This. Grow up OP. If you want a relationship with this man then be an adult and address this woman. You can say that you are aware of things she has said about her and do not wish to build a friendship with her.

But if you want to be in this child’s life, then get over yourself and quit being so immature.

I don’t believe I’m immature for not willing to meet with someone who has called me a “f****** b**ch” among other disrespecting terms, verbally abuses my partner when given the opportunity, talks shit about me on social media, and will not respect a single boundary that my partner has put up out of respect for me.

Whether you believe it or not doesn’t really matter. What matters is you’re handling this situation very immaturely by blaming some woman you’ve never even had a conversation with for your problems. Stay off social media, stop listening to your boyfriends messages, take an hour to have a conversation with the mother of the child you’re starting to raise. If you can’t handle that you’re too immature and don’t deserve to be in any type of parenting role to this child. You talk a lot about respect but you’re showing this little girl zero respect by ignoring her mother like you are.

+1 Also, no one said you had to meet with her. Refusing to acknowledge this woman is immature enough.