I love that OP has to throw in how "intellectual" they both are, as if that somehow makes this different from many other situations. My oldest is a police officer married to an RN and they have the same difficulties with balancing shift work and kid responsibilities. And somehow they manage to do this on somewhere less than $200K a year in the DMV. |
Just too ridiculous! And what does having an "intellectual" job have to do with anything? Both parents working is difficult. You chose to have kids. You "can't afford to quit." That's BS. Hire help, change jobs, quit... Get over yourself. |
Honestly, one of you (at least) needs to take a step back and/or you need very involved grandparents. Alternatively, enough money to outsource a LOT of things.
We didn't have the the last two things. So I took a step out of my path to work from home and have flexible hours. My reasoning -for us and this is not a judgment on those who value career- was that I'd ever wish I worked more and no one would really care that I did. But my kid would know whether I was there and present and that was more important. (My parents worked shift work and I was the classic latch key kid. So they were not involved at all). |
That’s the guarantee for marriage falling apart, which OP is trying to avoid. They apparently love each other but just don’t know how to keep all the balls at the same time. |
I do not lack self esteem. I put my kids first above my career and spouse. I used to miss my kid’s bedtime almost daily because I could not get home early enough. When I got a less demanding job when I had two kids, I felt like I was not putting my all at work and felt like I was outsourcing my parenting life out. I am sure DH thought he was doing his part. When he is home, he is helpful. He is will play with kids while I make dinner or he will do dishes while I get kids to bed. He has always been and still is a hands on dad. The problem is he has an unpredictable demanding job. I know most people will not sympathize since Dh earns a few million per year. They will say I should be the default parent. When we first started, we had a similar dynamic as OP. This post brings back a lot of bad memories for me! |
This is OP. I emphasized the ‘intellectual’ part to say that such jobs don’t pay you enough to afford a stay at home parent, and there is a low earning ceiling of such jobs. Long hours do not translate into seven figure salary, ever. Yet such jobs are very addictive because of all the ‘fun’ come with it, making it harder to quit. Hence our struggle to want to ‘have it all’… |
I just wrote that I am about a decade ahead of OP’s family timeline. I have two masters, including one from Harvard. OP is probably trying to say she also has an impressive career. I was very ambitious and career oriented. DH and I were similar when we became parents. It is hard for both parents to stay in the same pace with children. |
You can make choices (particularly with that income level) but instead act like all of these things just happened to you and you had no choice. You made choices and now don't like them. Learn to like them or change the situation. The low self-esteem is that you can't seem to think that you can make this happen. |
wow both you and OP get worse by the second. |
Thanks PP. This is OP. I totally get it. It IS a gender issue. Women do all the invisible work, despite all the helps you can hire. The thinking, planning, scheduling, researching…. It takes us away from what we should focus on, and NO is acknowledging that. |
This is like those Atlantic pieces with entirely clueless rich people. |
Your spouses aren't acknowledging that. Have you actually tried getting them to acknowledge it? |
I made the choice to stay home with my three children. I loved those years with them. I got to spend time with my baby and do many of the things I could not with my older two. When Covid hit, I was able to assist my older kids with virtual school and enrich them and play with my toddler. I am sure it would have been a nightmare for me if I was working then. I think women get the short end of the stick. This is not just my situation. If I were not career oriented and an “intellectual”, I should be satisfied with my current situation. I have successful female friends who are unhappy in other ways with their marriage. The worse situation seems to be the female breadwinner who is often still stuck being the default parent with a husband who doesn’t pull his weight. The parents who have flexible not so demanding jobs that earn a few hundred grand per year seems like a nice sweet spot. OP and her husband could achieve this easily. |
Yikes. Uh, even people who are less "intellectual" than you can be unsatisfied with an unequal work/life balance between spouses. Yes, it's true that women do the brunt of the housework. Women also take steps to work on this and correct it. Sometimes that means divorce. Have YOU asked your spouse to try and change the situation? You keep avoiding this question, so I'm betting no. |
+10,000. A lot of these prestige jobs are meaningless to 99.9% of the world. And, you come to the realization that what you are doing really doesn't make a difference in whatever problem you are trying to influence. The sooner OP and her husband get over themselves the better. |